Now What?

We listened to a Sermon entitled “Now What?” on our way to Louisville the day after our engagement. It was very timely encouragement, not just relating to the Christmas season but also for the season we were about to walk into. The message addressed the empty “now what” feeling that many people experience after Christmas. The presents are opened, the shopping is finished, the decorations are taken down… but now what?

There have been countless moments in my life where I had something I was really looking forward to: A concert, a trip, a plan to meet up with a friend, the annual Cru chili cook-off. While these things aren’t bad, they aren’t where our desires will be fulfilled. They can be live-giving, but only for the moment. It isn’t a sustaining or enduring feeling that we get. It’s just a brief high.

As I listened to the message, I thought how we (I) often spend so much preparing for the event itself that we forget to prepare for what is after.

So what do we do? The sugar crash after Christmas. The fleeting feelings. Jesus is the substance that gives Christmas its meaning. He’s the “protein”.

Christmas is about coming and seeing. Our visiting rights don’t go away after Jesus is born on Christmas day. We aren’t just invited to see the infant Jesus on that glorious night. Christmas is an invitation to keep visiting for all of our days.

This was a good reminder that the excitement from engagement won’t last and it won’t sustain us. We don’t need each other. We need Jesus to be the main thing. We need to be neon signs pointing each other to the source of all satisfaction and deepest joy. Jesus is totally different than any earthly excitement. We don’t have the feelings of emptiness or dissatisfaction after it’s over. We get to be in the presence of God, who is perfect joy, and enjoy Him forever.

No fleeting feelings. No mixed emotions knowing that it won’t last. Never ending. Now what? We look up, bow down, and worship.

December 28th: Did we just get engaged?

The events of December 28th

1. Went to The Hill

Sat in the coffee shop vault and attempted to have time in the word but ended up talking about visual disabilities and the different career possibilities. Maybe consulting with teachers at schools: assessing their teaching styles and giving them specific strategies (considering the student and the teacher’s teaching style) for how to best instruct them.

Totally unaware of what was coming

Initial frustrations with the lack of organization in the vis dis major. Feeling deceived… like everything wasn’t presented up front. A lot of “oh, by the ways…”

Some frustrations with Hillsborough county:

-not much structure

-no clear cut answers

-teachers don’t really take ownership for students

-hard to teach all of the areas that I’m supposed to with academics in the mix

Talked about how I think schools aren’t the best place to provide visually impaired services

2. Forest Park

2. Mexican food
3. Continuum/ family partners

Hunter seranades his ladies

2. Bread Co. with Emily and Mikey
1. Tampa and my job
2. Butler and Marketing
3. Talked about Indy
4. Crystal River

(took the job a week ago); excited to go, sad to leave st. louis friends, good to be close to family

Thought we were going home. Pulled into a neighborhood and thought we were looking at Christmas lights. Drove around the church. The thought crossed my mind but parking lot was empty/ didn’t think it would happen until March at the earliest. Went inside covenant and played around on the piano. Didn’t think anything of it since we’ve “broken into” places to play piano before.

I needa pee

Came out of the bathroom and ran into old couple. Asked if I was a custodian. No. Were looking for the prayer meeting, do you work in the church office? Uhh, I’m not even from here. Just visiting covenant with my boyfriend. Walked back into the sanctuary. Prayed for Mikey and Emily and Blakely. Really didn’t think we were getting engaged. Praying for them was really moving… looked up and read John 3:16 and was cut to the core by the peace of God.

Saw the letters and thought something was fishy…

Hunter play some of my favorite hymns. It was so sweet and worshipful.

Come behold the wondrous mystery

Be thou my vision

All Glory be to Christ

Hunter Original

Then he popped the question. I took a deep breath, let out a weep, and then softly whispered "yes" between sniffles.

We prayed and rejoiced and thanked God.

Forrest called and asked about Chinese food. Facetimed Laura. Drove home. They left to get Chinese food. Drove around and prayed before talking to my family. Phew, went better than expected! They came home, we went inside….

Champagne toast, face time rejoicing with Laura, barely slept…

For the 21st Century Feminist

Questions that seek to understand are life-giving.

I'm going to be honest, I don't entirely understand feminism or what drives it so deeply into the hearts of many young adults. I have a feeling it's about much more than gender equality. My belief in God as a good and purposeful creator causes me to praise him for the differences in gender. I think it is a beautiful thing that he created male and female in his image. I see my status as a 23 year old female not as something that limits me or makes me unequal to men. No, I see it as a deep honor to be so thoughtfully created with unique purpose. I see myself as infinitely valuable, not because of my gender, but solely because I am created in the image of the Father.

As I sat in a sauna with my passionately feminist sister, I laid aside my own "points" and opinions and asked that God would help me genuinely seek to understand why she believes so strongly what she believes.

Some of the questions used to understand were:

What is feminism? 
The equal treatment of men and women. So feminism isn't just about women? No girl, feminism is for both genders. So why don't they call it humanism? Umm, huMAN. It has the word man in it. Plus women are the ones who are more often treated unequally. Well, Katie even female has the word MALE in it.

What really frustrates you about the way society treats gender?
From a young age, gender stereotypes are ingrained in us. Separating boys and girls during PE when there's no physical difference yet and telling girls it's because the boys are stronger. Mom and dad pushed Alex to be better at math because he's a boy and males should be better at math. You could've been so smart in math. you weren't bad at it, you were told you were.
Mom and dad don't believing I (Katie) have a medical problem with my sleep but they care about Alex's blood pressure. It's because women are seen as weak and when we complain it's not as significant. But when a "strong male" complains, it must be serious.
Girls are raised to believe and fantasize about being mothers and wives. They aren't career-driven or pushed to be as successful as men. They just want to get married.
Mom and dad basing her intelligence off of her SATs and not her potential. It negatively effects her.
Well, what about self motivation. That only goes so far. What about students whose parents aren't involved in their education (students from low SES backgrounds). Feminism doesn't stand up for them. It's different to have parent's that just don't care than parents who are telling you that you can't.


So what's the ideal?
Gender wouldn't exist. There would be no male or female

But even if gender didn't exist, there would still be societal conflict. People would still kill, and steal, and commit crimes. Even if we didn't have to worry about makeup or appearance, we would find another way to occupy our time with ourselves. People are inherently selfish and inwardly focused. Solving the gender problem is just a small slice of the problem. 
Eliminating gender doesn't make you more valuable. I know that. Then where do you find your value. God.
Okay, what does God say about your value? About your value as a woman.
Well here's what the bible says about your value.

The Bible says your role as a female (in marriage) calls for your husband not only to honor and respect you, but to DIE for you. To love love you as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her. I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like a God that really cares about you being valued. And as wives, women are called to submit to their husbands, who are submitting to God as their ultimate authority. So when a woman is following her husband, she can be confident that it is not the selfish motives of man, but the sovereign care of God that she is submitting to.

So why can't we just eliminate the middle man (husband)? That's just unnecessary. Why can't each person just listen to God on their own? If you don't want to submit to a husband, God gives you the freedom not to marry.

So do you really think God is a man. The bible opens up with "He." Do you really think he isn't above gender...

I believe God is the creator of gender. 

The Bible is so sexist. It's one-sided. Why did only sexist men write it?

It is divinely inspired by God and it's infallible. Even if it's written by man, it's really the words of God without error, regardless of what gender wrote it. 

Really? Do you really believe that? It's hard to believe that a loving God would be so sexist. Yes God inspired it, but it isn't infallible. You're trying to tell me that sexist men didn't have any influence on writing how men were created first and then women came second. And they didn't have any influence over blaming Eve for eating the apple. Yes, I know Adam chose to eat it by his own will, but they still try to place the blame on her by saying she offered it to him. I just can't believe that a loving God would write that...  and you really think God is a man? I think he's a strong black woman.

As the conversation progressed, it became apparent that neither one of us would budge. A mind that is not believing truth won't understand truth. That's the hard part about trying to share God's heart with people who do not hold it to be true. It doesn't make sense. Why should it make sense! So I chose to diffuse the conversation and turn to God. I know that I'm completely helpless to change hearts. It's a work that only God himself can do, so I turn to him.

Here are some of my unorganized reflections:

The issue is not gender.

There is defensiveness and bitterness that need to be healed. -Towards parents
Self-worth that needs to be re-examined. Self-esteem issues. Not something that you can do by yourself. Need to look to GOD. Your value is established. It doesn't need to be earned, it needs to be thoroughly believed.

"The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God." 2 Corinthians 4:4

"They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts." Ephesians 4:18

"But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away." 2 Corinthians 3:14

Long-Suffering

10/26/16

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship.”

Sacrifice is one of the first words that come to mind when I think of how my job has been producing growth in me lately. It has required a lot of sacrifice and dying to self, which is extremely painful for a prideful sinner like me. 

Being a living sacrifice involves being totally engulfed in flames. It’s not a task that allows you to choose which parts you are willing to give up. Instead, it involves surrendering everything to the flame knowing that it is completely impartial in choosing what it consumes… it only stops until everything has been burned.

I’m also learning what it means to be long-suffering. An example of how God is stretching me in that way was an IEP meeting I held yesterday for a student. As the primary service provider for the student, it is my responsibility is to write the draft myself and facilitate the discussion of the document at the meeting. Don’t get me wrong, I get lots of good feedback at the meeting, but the majority of the work falls on me to manage the meeting. I’m pretty much on my own to write the 20 page document and have very little experience or support on how to do so. 

As I mentioned in the previous post, my attitude towards writing this IEP has really changed. While originally my objective was to just get it done, my heart began to change and desire to work at it wholeheartedly and really want to do a good job on it for the sake of my student. The hour before the meeting was quite stressful. The system was not working properly so I had to retype a few of the pages. At 2 o’clock it was game time. All of the attendees whom I had invited were there –the guidance counselor, IEP specialist, general education teacher, O&M specialist, Nurse, Coordinator of visually impaired programs, and the school psychologist. 

By 3:30, we had discussed some very practical ways to emotionally support the student and I was thankful for such in-depth conversation by the participants. But one by one, the majority of the attendees left (since school gets out at 3) and eventually I was left to finish the IEP on my own. I sat there trying my best to type in the information, but felt like I really didn’t understand many of the parts. 

Earlier in the meeting, there was discussion about what to do about his class schedule. 

You see, most of his teachers don't know what to do with him and because of that, they don't want him in their class. His reading teacher told me that she thinks it’s a waste of her time to teach reading to a kid who can’t see the words. Then, when we asked the culinary teacher if the student could take his class, he said that he didn't think it was a good idea. Teacher after teacher kept turning us away. My heart was saddened. Why is nobody fighting for him? Nobody wants him i their class. Nobody is staying for his meeting. Nobody wants to take responsibility for him. People are giving up on him. 

Normal me probably would've been very annoyed and frustrated that nobody was there to help me, especially since I was new at this. But something very different happened. I felt God working in my soul. 

As I sat there by myself, I was completely calm. I found it interesting that at 5:45, I was the only one still there fighting for this student, even when he didn't attend his own meeting. What would make me want to do this? Nothing from my own strength. It was totally God who gave me the joy and desire to keep fighting for this student!

So how does any of this relate to sacrifice? I truly believing that God is teaching me about sacrificial love through this student. I am being challenged to sacrifice my time, my comfort, my plans, my own convenience all for him. All for a student who I know I won't receive a "thank you" from or any other recognition for that matter.  

So what's the point? Why fight for someone who I know will not give me anything in return? For someone who is totally undeserving... For someone who doesn't even want to fight for theirself? 

Because God.

His Word sums it up best:

Romans 5:6-8

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. 7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

This student and I are really not so different. Before Christ, I was totally helpless. I was undesirable. I was totally undeserving of God's love and totally deserving of Him turning his face away. But God kept fighting for me. While others might've said don't fight for these sinners, God saw a broken people who were worth fighting for. He saw people who were lost causes and would've been totally just to leave us that way! But instead of giving us what we deserve, God stepped in and gave everything for us. Jesus knew that some would acknowledge what he has done and some would turn away and He still chose the cross? Does this give you chills? Does this good news fill your eyes with tears?

Let this news make you become undone! We are so deeply loved. 

It is because I know and believe this truth it that I can continue joyfully sacrificing and suffering for this student. I love because he has loved me. God loves you my dear student! Lord, let my long-suffering and joyful sacrifice point this student to the greater sacrifice and joy found in You!

What is love? Baby don't hurt me

Can I even love unselfishly?

That's a great question. Until recently, I don't think I've ever really considered that thought.

It seems like the only love that I know is a selfish love. Let me explain. My intentions aren't totally wrong, at least they don't seem to be, but I've only ever received something in return for my "love". Whether it's a fuzzy feeling, acknowledgment, an ego boost, or even an "I love you too."

My view of love is tainted by selfishness.

I've noticed that lately my heart is so hardened toward loving my students because they are love-suckers. They just like to suck the love out of you without giving anything in return. But wait a minute...

This bothers me because I'm not getting anything in return. Until now, I've never experienced having to give this kind of love.

My combative fists begin to fall and my hardened heart begins to soften... Hmm.

Another reminder that my life is not my own

Another reminder that my life is not my own

When I woke up today, I was grumpy to say the least. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I definitely did not want to go to work or trust God with my day. The 30 minute drive to work was work in itself, fighting to pray and believe that God could redeem my day and my heart. I knew that it would be best if I trusted him with everything that was ahead of me, but I was so stubborn in believing that my day would just be bad because I had made up my mind that it would be so. I did the only thing I knew: Reached out for prayer because I was helpless.

As the day unfolded, I saw more and more evidences of God’s grace weaved into it –you see, nothing had really changed. The day was still full of the same problems… paperwork, difficult students, way too much to do and too little time… but my heart had dramatically changed. I felt a lightness towards those very same burdens that seemed too heavy to lift just a few hours previously. The load hadn’t changed, but the one carrying it had.

The dreaded IEPs:

This past weekend, I brought some work home with me. You see, I have an IEP coming up Tuesday afternoon (tomorrow :0) that I needed to write up. My attitude towards it was just wanting to get it done as quickly as possible so that I could get it off my mind and enjoy my weekend –I already do enough for these kids! Plus, I don’t even get paid to work on these in my personal time!

As I worked on the same unfinished IEP today though, I noticed something had changed in my approach to this cumbersome task. There was a desire to work on it and do it well. (I know, that should always be the goal). I sincerely wanted to do a good job and not just get it done. I wanted to provide information that would be beneficial and set goals that would be helpful to my student.

The invitation:

As I went through my day, I received an invitation to go over my friend Hope’s house for dinner. I was a bit hesitant to accept, especially since I felt that I would need the whole rest of the afternoon to complete the IEP, but I accepted anyways. (Poor decision or good decision… stay tuned!)

As I sat outside enjoying a nice homemade bowl of chili with Hope and her family, I was very thankful for God’s provision of some great friends. Hope mentioned that her friend Kaydee would be coming over for dinner (Summarize kaydee: moving soon, high school friend of Hopes, smart, science, praying for opportunities to share with her)

We prayed that our time with Kaydee would be glorifying to God. Kaydee actually walked in the door just as we had finished praying.

Over a game of Settlers of Katan, God totally showed up in our conversation. Shared about our experiences with depression and aniety. Wow God. Totally not how I expected this conversation to go, but your name is all over it.

Going into the time of prayer at Hope’s, I had a feeling that it would be costly. Let me explain: I had a feeling that even though I badly needed to leave early and work on the IEP, God would challenge me to surrender my plans and my timeline. And he did. On a day where I expected to use all of my time to work on this paperwork, I am just now getting home for the first time today. Still no completed IEP. But get this, I get to rest because something of much more value is already completed to a perfect standard. I get to rest in Christ’s completed work on the cross and know that even when a day starts out feeling like it’ll end in defeat, I get to be victorious, no matter what, because Christ has done it!

Praise God for that!

Stories from a Sick Teacher

This week has been a humbling reminder of a lot of different things, including God's sovereignty.
If you asked me to plan out my week, I probably would've filled it with things that I know would forsure bring me enjoyment, ease, and joy. My desire for comfort leaves little room for scheduling some hard lessons learned through suffering into my week.

On Monday, I was able to wake up a bit earlier than normal which gave me time to be still before the leaving for work. Trying to get back in the word is something I've been discouraged by but oh my, it was so good! I love having God at the center of my life and work! It brings so much joy!

Tuesday started out much the same. Woke up a bit earlier and had some time to read. As I got ready, my stomach hurt a little bit... it just felt empty and like I needed to eat something. I drove to school encouraged by the time I had spent with the Lord and was excited to spend another day leaning on his strength as I went about teaching and planning.

By 10:45am I had thrown up twice and decided to head home. I felt awful and nauseous. After fighting back sickness the entire drive home, I stumbled up the sidewalk, pausing to throw up in the bushes before I climbed up the stairs to my apartment.

I continued throwing up for the next 3 hours and dozed in and out of sleep on the bathroom floor. I finally reached out to my friend Hope and asked if she would take me to the clinic. I waited and mustered up a few prayers... Lord, please help.

I heard Hope knock on the door.

I love that part of the story. Where I am helpless and unable to even sit up and then help comes. Sound familiar, eh? If that story isn't ringing a bell, I will explain later.

In case you're dying to know the end of the story, a few pills and good conversations later I was on my way to recovery. Still weak and exhausted, but feeling well cared for by Hope and my God.

I'm not gonna lie, I hadn't felt that sick in a couple of years. I was pallid and weak and drained. But at the end of the day, I couldn't help but feel so thankful! I've lived in Tampa for about a month and a half and am incredibly grateful that I had a good friend I could call who was able to drop everything and come to my help. Thank you Lord for community! I had just been to that same clinic the week before to refill a prescription so I knew it was close by and already had my info on file. Thank you Lord for your planning! It was Tuesday so my students had mobility lessons aka I wasn't missing any lessons. Thank you Lord that you know all of the details of my life!

This little excerpt from my short life here on earth reminds me that I am weak. I live in a fragile body that gets sick, tired, and breaks down. This world isn't my home, and that's a good thing! I get to wait with hope and experience more and more of how God loves and cares for me.

Thank you Lord for protecting and providing for me through friends and your sovereign timing.

Teacher Teacher

This post is gonna take a different spin... I am still convinced that the title is appropriate. I don't know everything and I'm well aware, but this is the irony. I'm a teacher. Aren't teachers supposed to know things? Aren't they supposed to be super smart and educated? After all, they teach others, right? How can you teach other people without knowing a thing or two yourself.


After 5 years of college, 3 of those years which were spent studying in detail how to educate visually impaired individuals, and countless hours of internships and observations I feel... weak. You would think that I could solve any problem and spit out every eye disease and how to treat it, but that's just not the case. In my pride, I have convinced myself that I'm now capable of handling everything at my job alone. After all, I should be "the expert" right? But God has quickly been bringing to my attention that no amount of education makes me self-sufficient. I am totally in need of Him, not just for the things that are out of my control, but also in the things that I have the illusion that I can control on my own.
This job is no different than surrendering the future, or sickness, financial hardships, or even my next breath to Him. Although those situations seem like a no-brainer to bring to God, I am just as needy as a teacher because underneath it all, I am a sinner who is in constant need of grace.

As I look to the future and what this school year could be like, I desperately want God's help. After only a week in, I am exhausted and left feeling helpless. But praise be to God whose grace is sufficient! No, I don't know it all and I might be the first teacher willing to admit that. But what I do know is that He who is in me is greater than anything I could conjure up on my own. He is Abba Father. He is the Great Physician. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Rock of Ages. He is the Great I AM. He is Creator. He is Savior of the world. He is Redeemer. He is Wisdom. He is Teacher... and He is more than qualified to equip me to teach.

Is One Important?

What difference does it make teaching this ONE kid? Is it worth all of the time and planning and effort…

I follow Jesus as my example. He counted that ONE kid important enough to leave the 99 to go find them. He loved this ONE student so much that he laid down his life for him.

Lord, help me not to see one student as insignificant or question if my teaching will really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Give me the mind of Christ towards my students and help me to love them fiercely and know that Christ fought for them!
  
If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices more over that one sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray.…

Post Summer Thoughts

The past summer months have brought floods of emotions and thoughts... It's been a season of mountains and valleys and everything in between.

... they've involved many quickly changing events, feelings, and cities. From Tally to Ft. Lauderdale to St. Louis to San Francisco to New Zealand --and back again to San Fran, the Lou, and SoFLo. Then to Daytona Beach, a few weekend trips back and forth to Tampa, and ultimately ending up in Tampa at my first teaching job.

It's not something that I think writing about can adequately express. I am reminded of the extreme reluctance and fear that I had going into my time at Daytona. The first week left me frustrated and confused... Lord, why would you bring me here? Why this major? Why can't I be anywhere else?

When I first start out in a new place or find myself in an unfamiliar circumstance, my first reaction is often to doubt and question and doubt some more. I have such a hard time believing that God is exactly who he says he is and that he will do everything he promises, and then some! But I am consistently left speechless by God's grace and power when he shows up! ...not if but when.

In Daytona, God showed up in the form of a spirit-filled and encouraging security guard. My prayers for discipleship and community did not fall on "deaf ears", instead they were carefully answered according to a purpose that was bigger than my own. God showed up in the form of students who taught me what it means to labor and believe and hope! Clients who initially seemed difficult or undesirable became a joy to work with and taught me about the value of patience. As I learned to challenge them and take risks, I witnessed freedom. I gave high-fives, bought mountain dews, accepted sincere apologies, rejoiced after successful street-crossings, and salsa danced.

God provided what I need, when I needed it. He gave me my daily bread through the encouragement of an eternity-focused security guard. He chiseled away my sins of selfishness through the daily "frustrations" of running into students and staff after work hours (what can you expect when you live where you work.) He grew my compassion for people who are walking through recent vision loss and are fearful of what their lives will be like.

Although it's not what I would have chosen, God continues to teach me that I can fully, confidently, and expectantly trust Him.

Lord, help me to not lean on my own understanding. You were faithful before, you are faithful now, and you will be faithful again. Thank you for your grace in giving me what I need and what is best for my soul. Thank you for your grace in saying no when I beg for my "cup" to be taken from me. And thank you for your grace that keeps flowing and sustaining me as I walk forward holding tightly to your hand. Amen.

Psalm 63

Lately it seems like God is really chipping away at my heart. From learning about how to be generous with money to realizing that honor and esteem do not belong to me. I’m here to serve. “But God, my time can be used better someplace else. I’m not being challenged. The world doesn’t care if my student learns the routes to her classes. Why can’t I be in ministry? Why here? Why this?”

Christina, my son left His throne to serve.

Wow, what a powerful reminder filled with grace and truth. Jesus, the King of Kings, became a man but didn’t live as a king on this earth. He knew his worth, but never once demanded to rule an empire or for the current king to fork over the throne which so rightfully belonged to him. He bowed to the Father’s will and humbly served.

I’m learning how to live moment by moment by God’s strength. It’s like a constant lifeline that I’m connected to… I can’t unplug myself for a single second without crashing.  I’m tempted to think that I can just go, recharge, and leave until it’s time to run back again. However, I am becoming so aware that I won’t get very far. There’s not a single second that I don’t need to be drawing my strength from Him.

Im finishing week two of my internship at the Rehabilitation Center for the Blind and I’m exhausted. I’m spiritually and physically dry. 

“You, God, are my God,

Earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you,

My whole being longs for you,

In a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

Psalm 63

My soul is so thirsty for God. The only problem is that I’m neglecting the first part of that passage: “Earnestly I seek you.” I desperately know I need to drink and I know where the well is, but I’m either too lazy or prideful or busy to actually go.

Lord, help me run to you. I don’t have the strength on my own to even get there, so strengthen my feeble bones and bring me to your fount. I am weak and needy. Please refresh my soul and help me rejoice in You!

I can hear your heartbeat, for the world you love…

I hear John 3:16 all over but it never really occurred to me that God loves the world. I always think of him being displeased with the state of how things are. It’s easy to focus my eyes on the negative. The innocent people being killed, the broken marriages, the stealing, the closed-hearted way we treat one another… sin is running rampant.

I know that it’s hard for my soul to tolerate what is going on around me. I often long for heaven because I can’t bear to look at the state of this broken world. But God doesn’t turn his head and say “Well, you’re all hopeless.” No, God loves the world. He fights for this world. He longs for things to be made new. He left His throne and the endless praise he was receiving and entered into our mess. He gave His Son. There is no greater love than that.

I think that I need to start fighting for the world that way that God does. First, I need to fervently pray for heaven to come here. I need to truly trust and believe that God will make all things new. Second, I need to be light in the darkness. I need to ask God to help me to love people well and in deep and earnest ways. Third, I need to take on the eyes of Christ and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me and strengthen me to even get anything accomplished.

Now don’t hear this. God does NOT love murder, he makes that clear in his word: “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.”  Proverbs 6:16-19

However it is important to keep in mind that God is well aware of the state of how things are BUT, unlike me, he does not lose heart and he doesn’t want to flee the continent or hop on the first spaceship to Mars. No. God still loves this broken place. He doesn’t want to abandon ship. God knew the detestable sin that we were, and still are, capable of and yet “while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.” The truth gives me hope in the love that defeated death and conquered the grave! Praise God for that!

Sheep Playdates

Today I went to Ponce Inlet. It's a bit south of Daytona and there's a lighthouse, a marine life center, and some little docks. There's not much to do there, but Patrick (a security guard that I met here on my first day) did tell me about the jetties down on the beach so I walked a bit in the general direction and found them, Bill Hughes style. I was pretty pumped about finding them because my goal today was to stand on the rocks and look out at the waves. Mission accomplished.

My PB&J was already thoroughly digested and my stomach began to politely ask for more food. So I looked up some restaurants nearby and found one called "Black Bean Cafe". I had some of the most tasty fish tacos of my life. It was a family owned business and the staff was super friendly. I was so satisfied, not only from the delicious meal, but because of the way God planned my whole day out for me. From watching the waves crash over the rocks on the beach all the way down to finding some lunch. It was all so effortless on my part but God was so clearly involved.

I headed back to my dorm and saw one of the dorm staff, David (I later learned his last name is Hughes) outside. We talked a bit and he asked what I had been up to. I think he's around my age, but he's pretty quiet and keeps to himself. As I was talking to him about some of the places I went, Patrick saw us through the glass doors and came out to join. After a solid day of solitude, it was nice to talk to some people.

Fast forward a few minutes and I ran into Patrick again as I wandered around the building... this place really isn't all that huge. We talked a bit and I thanked him for the suggestions on my activity itinerary that he wrote for me and gave me on Friday when I ran into him on campus. He asked what I had planned for tomorrow and I told him that I was gonna try out a church. I saw his eyes light up. I knew it... I just knew you had to be a believer. You know, there's just something about you, you just give off light. I told him that the other day when I talked to him I meant to ask him if he was a Christian because I also had my suspicions.

Wow, there's nothing more humbling and exciting than hearing from someone that they know you by your fruit and can tell that Christ is alive in you.

Patrick mentioned some things about how God has provided for him financially and even through meeting his wife. He told me how it had been a long awaited answer to prayer meeting her. (Patrick is in his forties and has a 3 year old daughter named Hannah).

 After talking abut our faith a bit... we basically talked about how creation just shouts God's glory and how we can't understand why people don't believe... we ended our conversation praising God and with a solid high five. I wish my words could adequately express how much joy there was in that hallway as two of God's children just bragged about how great their Father is.

I'm in awe tonight as I see how quickly God answers prayers.

 My first day here was a bit hectic, I arrived on Wednesday and immediately started working. I met my supervisor, Steve, and a woman named Holly who also works in mobility. I was pretty intimidated by them and could some major personality differences. I was convicted of my judgmental heart towards them but couldn't help but feel like "Really God? These people... This internship...This place..." On Friday I had a really good conversation with Steve about why he chose this profession. He also told me how much he genuinely cares about his interns and desires to see me grow from now until the end of the internship.

In only a few days, God has already been faithful. I'm excited to look back when it's all finished and be amazed at how God weaves this all together.

Lunch Break Thoughts

Lately it has been occurring to me how much we are expected to work at making other people like us.

The goal is to make a good first impression. –build rapport with the boss, listen to them talk (about themselves), go above and beyond, nod your head, politely laugh…

(*takes another bite of juicy chicken tender publix sub)

And boy am I feeling the pressure! There’s something so nice about others liking us but so tiring about the process of earning those affections. This all got me thinking about how different God is and praise God for that! We don’t have to work hard to please him in order for God to just “like” us… Rather, we get to come as we are, messy and sinful and broken, and God LOVES us.

I don’t have to find out what his favorite things are or ask about his latest accomplishments or hold doors for him or fan his ego…

God LOVES us. God just loves us.

We don’t do anything to deserve it… in fact, all we’ve really done through our efforts is prove how undeserving we are of it. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved” Ephesians 2:4-5

What an unbelievably comforting truth. I can come as I am because of what Jesus has done for me. I don’t need to feel ashamed, inadequate, or overwhelmed about whether or not I will live up to expectations. Instead of striving, I can rest. I can rest and trust that Christ truly is enough. I can rest and trust that God’s approval is far greater than the approval of man. And I can rest that I am loved by God and accepted into His unshakeable kingdom, not based on my achievements, but because of grace alone.

Amen!

Coming full circle

God has met me at this little desk more times than I can count in the past 3 years.

Some of the most impactful worship sessions I've had have occurred here. Times when I thought i'd just come to work and get homework done turned into raw times with the Lord.

I remember...
Praying for the strength to do this new RA job well
Praying about whether or not I would join staff with Cru
Processing counseling appointments
Praying for clarity on how to best serve in Cru
Praying and listening to God about who I needed to forgive
Being convicted over my judgmental heart, and messaging a friend to get lunch
Praying for my internship in Texas
Praying about grad school
Asking the Lord to lift heavy depression
Praying over brokenness
Asking the Lord for clarity in my relationships
Asking God for His strength to get through tough classes
Praying for a future spouse that would love me tenderly and point me back to God (I think this prayer is in the process of being answered)
And now I sit here, on Sunday, the eve of the last week of school. And I find myself returning to the "quiet place" with God. I'm letting his truth touch my ears and his promises fill my soul.

I am so unsure of what will happen. I don't know where I'll be come August or what I'll be doing. But I do know this. My God is faithful and he loves me. And because he loves me, I know that I can trust Him.

Longing for the Old Road

Longing for the Old Road

The title is pretty straightforward. Sometimes I find myself just wishing I was on an old familiar road, or just a different road altogether. This semester of college has often felt that way. I’ve felt a tension between struggling to be present, wishing I was back in Texas, wishing that college was the same as it was in undergrad, missing various far-away friends, and only a small portion of the time thankful for the present.

I was reading a short post about Laura Story (a songwriter) that shared my sentiment.

Everything radically changed after her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Watching him struggle to breathe and withstand significant memory loss, Laura begged God to heal her husband and restore their lives to the way they were.

Life hadn’t been perfect, but it had been good.

Laura told her sister of her desire to return to the normal trial-free life she had before. And her sister insightfully responded, “You know Laura, I think the detour you are on is actually the road.”

What if the detour is actually the road? Hmm…

That statement rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. My thoughts go something more like this: Just gotta keep walking and push through, the other road is up ahead…. This is just a temporary thing…. Just one more turn and around the corner will be what I’m looking for….

What a faithless and fruitless way to live.

As I look back on my past semester, I see a little girl thinking that she knows best where the path should be. Instead of trusting the good Father who has carefully and thoughtfully paved the path, she just walks along constantly discontent and telling him where she thinks it should lead.

(Picture some prospective homeowners walking through a house and pointing around while they make suggestions for how they can change it for the better)

“Now, if we move this bush and this rock, we can build the path through here and… ah, yes, then it can wind through her and connect back to where I wanted to go in the first place.”

But as I walk through, just straining to see what I wish was in front of me, God patiently walks along with me. Then he gently whispers, “Be still and know that I am God.”

My face becomes flushed… I am immediately convicted and embarrassed at my self-righteousness.

Once the shock settles, I begin to look around and think to myself:

“Hey, I never noticed those flowers over there before… and wow, the stones lining the path that I’ve always wanted to move make it look so beautiful… and check out all of these people I’ve been meeting along the way…”

I think that’s the part of this little illustration that I’m presently at. I’m looking around and simultaneously repenting and praising.

Who knows how the rest of the story will go. I could stop and appreciate the detour but again return to anxious thoughts and plans and just continue to see it as that, a detour. Or I could recognize that it is the road and mourn all of my wishes for how it looked. Or I could rebel and begin to just plow through the unpaved brush, hoping that if I just push my way through enough that I’ll get to where I want to be. Or I could praise God that he knows more and ask him for the strength and faith to walk this new road and rejoice…

(I’m really hoping for the latter response)

Lord,

Thank you for your presence. I confess that my pride often leads to discontentment by causing me to believe that I know better. But you lovingly remind me that “Your thoughts are not my thoughts nor are your ways my ways.” I have no clue what I’m doing. Please help me to long for a changed heart instead of changed circumstances. You are with me and I trust you. Thanks for loving me first. 

Leviticus 16

This morning I was reading through Leviticus 16 and it made me think of a comment a friend said the other night at community group. She shared how hard it is for her not to rely on our works to make us righteous. I feel that! But check it out. So God has established the basis for relationship with Himself, which is by the shedding of blood. Hebrews 9:22 says “For without the shedding of blood, there is no remission of sins.” So it is only through blood that atonement is made.

The chapter I read today specifically deals with Yom Kippur. I never knew this before but on this day Jewish people hope that their good works outweigh the bad. (You can definitely fact check that, but that’s the idea I was getting from it). A commentary I was reading says “If God could only be approached through blood sacrifices, how do Jews think they can approach Him with their own works, which God declares as “filthy rags in the sight of God.”

So it only makes sense that Jesus is the answer. I know you probs already know this, but it was such a good reminder to me that my own standard of a “good work” doesn’t even come close to making things right with God.

The only things I’ve ever heard about Leviticus are basically how hard and boring it is to read. I have been so pleasantly surprised by how much I am enjoying it.  It is making me realize how holy God is and I always walk away from the reading being more thankful for Jesus. It also making me realize how costly our sin is, not just in terms of separation from God, but how much atoning these people had to do. (I don't think I would've had enough doves, bulls, or rams to sacrifice if I lived back then…)

The one word that keeps summing things up for me as a study God’s word in Leviticus is ‘Holiness’. It all comes back to the problem of sin. That God is holy, we are not, and we can’t be in relationship with Him. God makes a temporary fix for the people, but it is highly specific and difficult to keep up with. Through the High Priest, the people of Israel are able to make a temporary covering for their sin by following the law, but it just isn’t sustainable. Eventually, they sin again and have to repeat the whole process again.

I am thankful that all of these regulations in the Old Testament point to the hope we have now because of Jesus.

“Where, O death, is your victory?

    Where, O death, is your sting?”

56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

58 Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”

1 Corinthians 15: 55-58

Thank you, God, for making a way for sinners to be near to you again. When I read the Old Testament I am reminded just how serious my sin is but at the same time of just how great your desire for us to know you is. Help me to trust in Christ alone for my salvation and not in any of my own attempts at righteousness. Thank you for loving me first!

Exodus 30-32

Moses is on Mt. Sinai for 40 days and 40 nights receiving instructions from the Lord on how to prepare the tabernacle (the ark, the table, the lampstand), the altar of burnt offering, the courtyard, oil for the lampstand, the priestly garments ( the ephod and the breastpiece), the altar of incense, atonement money, basin for washing, anointing oil, incense, etc.

The Lord says to Moses: “Go down, because your people, whom you brought out of Egypt, have become corrupt. They have been quick to turn away from what I commanded them and have made themselves an idol cast in the shape of a calf. They have bowed down to it and sacrificed to it and have said, “These are your gods, Israel, who brought you up out of Egypt.”

Then he comes down from the mountain and sees that the Israelites grew impatient and fashioned an idol.

When I read this passage, it makes it so clear how wrong idol worship is. I am reminded of how quickly my own heart runs to worship other things.

Lord, help me to remain steadfast in you. Keep my heart and affections from turning to other things in the waiting. Lord, remind me to trust your timing instead of believing the lie that you have forgotten about me.  Remind me that you are working all things for my good and that I don’t need to take matters into my own hands. Instead, help me to cease from striving and to wait with my hands outstretched to you.

Exodus 13- 17 God makes a way

I know that most people, Christian or not, can recount the story of the Israelites crossing the red sea. It’s a story, which if I’m being honest, becomes numb to my ears. I’m not amazed anymore because I’ve heard the plot time and time again. It sounds so ridiculous to say that... It just doesn’t amaze me anymore that God allowed the Israelites to escape the Egyptians by walking on dry land through the sea. “Yea, I know. I’ve heard” Tends to be my attitude. But today, by the grace of God, I was able to once again hear this story with awe and wonder.

Let me just set the stage. The Israelites have just escaped Egypt and are being led by a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fie by night. A commentary that I read says this:

“Now the interesting thing is that by far the closest route to Israel would be right up the coast. It'd be the easiest way to go. Right through the land of the Philistines, right on into the land. They could actually make the journey within a week or so and be in the land. But God knew that they were not yet prepared. That if the Philistines would come out to meet them with war, their faith in God was not yet strong enough. Fear would grip their hearts; they would seek to return to Egypt.

So the wilderness experience is necessary in order that they might have the experiences of trusting in God, learning what it is to have faith in God, learning the power of God. So that when they did finally come into the land and face the enemies, they would have great confidence and faith in God to deliver the land into their hands. So we find the wilderness experiences are experiences where they are learning how that God can meet their needs no matter what they be. That God is sufficient to take care of their needs, and how that God will answer and will respond to their prayers and to their needs.”

This is thought-provoking. So the journey that took hundreds of years did not actually need to take that long? It’s interesting that God chose to delay their entry into the Promised Land because he knew they still had a lot to learn. It’s also interesting that God is more concerned with the process of our sanctification instead of just immediate results. By reading that passage, it seems that God is more concerned with preparing their hearts through the journey in the wilderness than leading them quickly and safely into the Promised Land with unchanged hearts.

There is no one like God. I can’t think of anyone I know who would be able to withhold something good because they know that by doing so, it will be best for us. We just don’t have that kind of ability to comprehend and see past the current conditions. I’m so thankful that God’s mind does not work like my mind.

When I read this story this morning, it reminded me of my own journey through “the wilderness” last year. I can remember planning to do my internship in Texas in the spring. Throughout the process, I felt so reluctant to surrender that last semester of college to the Lord. “But God, you just don’t know what I need” were my thoughts. After a lot of wrestling, God finally gave me the ability to pry my fingers from something that I held onto so tightly and say “Thy will be done.”

It would be much easier had it ended there, but God had something very different in mind. After all of this wrestling and surrendering, I found out that I was missing 3 credits and could not do my internship until I completed them. Hmm, didn’t see that one coming. Once again, I found myself crying out to God. “I just don’t understand…  I’m trying to do what you wanted” I pleaded.

Reading the account in Exodus I think my response to the situation was very similar to the Israelites’ reaction: “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?” They look around and noticed that they have mountains to the left and right, the Red Sea in front of them, and the Egyptians closing in behind them. My modern translation of this event goes something like “What the heck God? Are you serious right now? We’ve been following your lead and you brought us here. Do you even know what you’re doing?”

Thankfully God can confidently answer yes; I do in fact know what I’m doing.

Now, if you haven’t heard the story and you’re wondering what happens to the Israelites… They make it out alive by the power and provision of God. He swallows up the entire Egyptian army into the sea. As for the Israelites, God makes a way for them to pass through totally unharmed while also giving them a lesson in faith.  After Moses and the Israelites witness God’s power, their response is worship.

A year later, I can look back and thank God for withholding. Although the waiting felt frustrating and purposeless at the time, now I thank God that he used that time to prepare me. Had I gone to Texas when I thought it was right, I would not have experienced God’s provision in the same ways. The church that blessed me so much during my time in Austin wouldn’t have existed.  I wouldn’t have met the same students and worked with the same supervising teacher. I wouldn’t have encountered the same people. I also probably wouldn’t have met Hunter.

All of this to say, I am just so thankful for God’s timing. I am thankful that He leads us into impossible situations to show us more of His glory. I am thankful that through faith, I can be confident of He who goes before me and trust Him more than I can trust myself. I am thankful that those moments often lead to worship and remind my soul of the powerful and faithful God that I get to serve.

Now if you haven’t heard the story and you’re wondering what happens to Christina…I am still walking through the wilderness. Some days are filled with bursts of faith and other days are filled with bouts of faithlessness. Throughout the journey, my emotions waver. Throughout the same journey, God remains present and steadfast. Similar to the Israelites, I am so quick to forget to trust the God that is leading me. There are a lot of details that I’m uncertain about. I don’t know the route that I’ll take or how long the journey will last. But I do know that I’ll make it to the Promised Land and that one day it’ll all make sense. And I do know that this life will end in worship... not only to God, but in front of God.