Christmas in July

The day is drawing near. There is anticipation. There is excitement. There is a fleeting sense of reality and an increasing sense of a dream-like state.

The day after our engagement as Hunter and I drove to Louisville for a conference, we talked about the feelings of anticipation. Conveniently enough, we had just listened to a sermon on Christmas. It mentioned the feelings of hopeful anticipation for the day itself. The ABC 25 Days of Christmas Countdown begins, the turkey is eaten and Christmas music can finally be shamelessly played, and the decorations are in full force. But it’s not just Christmas day that we are preparing for. We are preparing for the birth of a Savior.

The danger in just preparing for the day itself is the sense of emptiness that will follow when that day is over. If our hope is just in the event, we will feel a deep disappointment following the conclusion of it. I hope this doesn’t sound too bleak, but it really is a serious matter to miss the point of the celebration. The good news in all of this is that after the day is over, we get Jesus. He isn’t born on Christmas and then vanishes 24 hours later when the day is over. He remains.

Yes, this is July. And yes, I have just compared our wedding day to Christmas, but soak up the incredible parallel that it provides.

Our marriage is not a wedding.      

And it’s not just a wedding day we are preparing for; it’s a till-death-do-we-part covenant.

The wedding ceremony begins our marriage but we do not cease to be married after the day has ended. When we wake up the next morning, July 23^rd, and it is no longer our wedding day, we are still indeed very wedded. The covenant doesn’t end when the wedding ends.

The tragedy of putting our hope in the wedding day is not only the disappointment that will follow, but also a serious lack of preparation. –It’s no different in preparing for Christmas day by hanging lights and garland, but forgetting to prepare your heart for the Christ Himself.

As we move forward to this incredibly joyous celebration, we remind ourselves that our end is not the celebration itself. It is in the covenant that we make to sanctify and selflessly serve each other until we are brought home to Christ, who is our ultimate end. Our lives begin with Christ, the Savior born on Christmas day, and our lives end with Christ.  

Lord, please keep our minds on the covenant we are making before each other and before you. Protect us from getting caught up in the excitement of the celebration and missing the point of what we are celebrating. Use the next 11 days, not merely as a waiting period, but to continue to prepare us and teach us about the gravity of the commitment we are making. And as we process the gravity of it, keep us from despair and remind us that it’s not ourselves that will make this marriage work, but it is Christ who holds all things together.

Walk by the Spirit

These thoughts were incited by a John Piper sermon called “The War Within: Flesh Versus Spirit”

As we continue moving towards marriage (12 days now), we are realizing how present that desires of the flesh are. 

We’ve heard lots of marriage advice, but the general consensus seems to be that marriage is a huge means of sanctification. This means that a LOT of dying to self and your own preferences happens. As Hunter and I spend more time together, we’ve been realizing just how selfish we really are. Anyone who knows us would probably stop me there and say, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourselves! You’re doing alright.” But the truth is, the subtle sin that has been covered becomes quickly exposed. Marriage, and even engagement for that matter, is a catalyst for uncovering sin.

The selfishness that I’m referring to isn’t overt. It starts to manifest itself in inconspicuous ways… through gentle nudges to get our way, making sure our own needs are met first, hinting at what we want the other person to do for us, even “innocently” justifying our own preferences.

In order to identify the solution, the first step is identifying the problem. What is it that makes me unable to love the man I love most the way I want to love him? Well, we know the problem. We are both sinners. As much as we want to do what we know is right, we just can’t.

I think Paul explains it best in Romans 7: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that it, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do –this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body, that is subject to death? Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Paul helps us clearly identify the problem, that is, we are still fighting a war against our flesh. Yes, we are regenerated (regeneration) and no longer slaves to sin because of the cross of Christ! We are made alive! But we are still being sanctified (Sanctification) and made new, which means we are still living in bodies that desire the flesh. And until we get to glory (glorification), that battle will be very present.

I know the outlook of this war between spirit and flesh isn’t looking good, but there’s more. Chapter 8 of Romans goes on to identify the solution, that is, the life believers have through the Spirit.

So where does that John Piper sermon that I mentioned way back in the beginning come into all of this? To be completely honest, I only listened to about the first 5 minutes of it. BUT those few minutes were rich, particularly the part about being “walking with” or in other words “led by” the spirit. Piper compares it to being led by a locomotive. If you think about it, all of the train cars behind really don’t have any power without the locomotive. Heck, they don’t even have engines! They’re really just wheels and axels. They’re good at following and that’s what they were intended to do. 

Could you imagine how ridiculous it would be for one of those train cars to try to deliver their cargo without being attached to the locomotive? SPOILER ALERT: Nothing would happen. The engine-less car has no power or momentum on its own. I know it’s more plain to see the futility of relying on our own efforts through the analogy of these train cars, but really let it sink in. No locomotive; No power. No Spirit; No power.

If we are not drawing from the power of the Holy Spirit to complete even the most simple of tasks, we are making a futile and power-less effort. It is so very essential for the Christian to be “attached” to the spirit if we are ever to begin to do the work of the Lord. Hear this and tell it to your soul: It is impossible to live the Christian life on our own. It is impossible. There is no back door to living the life God calls us to without God.

But hear this very very good news. God gives us Himself. God gave us Himself in Jesus, God incarnate, to reconcile His people to Himself through Himself. And God is presently giving us Himself in the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is God. He is God -- with all the attributes of deity. He is the third person of the Trinity -- co-equal with God the Father and God the Son.

Thanks be to God who delivers us through Christ Jesus our Lord!

Lord, help us to be more bendable to your leading. Just as a rigid train car will have a difficult time following, our rigid hearts will make it difficult for us to be led by you. Keep us humble and teachable, forsaking our own wills to pick up yours instead. Help us delight in following you and give us hearts that desire to attach onto you.

A Gentle and Quiet Spirit

This morning I was talking with my soon to be husband about our church’s Meditation for Preparation to get ready for the gathering. It’s a short reading and some questions that our pastor sends to all of the members of our church to help us get our minds right.

Scriptures for this Sunday:
Read Psalm 11. Where does David say the Lord is in the midst of your troubles? Does the Lord see or care for your concerns? Does your life reflect that truth?

As I thought through these questions, I couldn’t say that I always run to God in the midst of my troubles, even when being reassured by His word that “The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord is on his heavenly throne. He observes everyone on earth; his eyes examine them.” (Psalm 11: 4)

We discussed that it’s so difficult to be consistent with the way we trust God. Personally, I find myself doing either of two things: 1.) running towards God or 2.) away from him and turning to myself for help. The pattern for my own life seems to be that I turn to God with life’s “bigger” things, but tend to want to trust myself for smaller things. I think my reasoning is that the big things feel more out of control and daunting –I believe that I can control what I eat for lunch but I am more aware that I can’t find a job or sustain a marriage on my own. The truth is, though, that I can no more control the small seemingly insignificant life events any more than I can control whether or not it rains or whether or not I get into a car accident driving on I-275.  All of it is controlled by a very sovereign and all-powerful God.

Reflecting on these questions did something really important for my forgetful mind this morning. It reminded me of a simple yet day-changing and life-changing truth. “The Lord is on his heavenly throne.” This ought to change the way I approach things.

We’re either fixing our eyes on the transient things around us or on a never-changing God. Our eyes are fixed on something. But think about it, it is much more difficult to fix your eyes on a moving target than on something secure. It’s exhausting really. When I try to keep my eyes on the temporary things around me, it mostly just results in confusion and a lot of unrest. My mind is constantly swimming and trying to keep up with where my eyes should be. But when my gaze is steady on God, I can just keep my eyes on one place. I know that no matter what, I can keep my eyes anchored to the one who is on His throne and never leaves his throne. There’s no guessing or trying to find where he is. He tells us exactly where He is and where He will remain.

Patience With Joy

Waiting is hard. Especially when it comes to engagement. Last month, the Hughes family took a vacation to the beach. Forrest and Kristen Hughes (Hunter’s brother and sister-in-law) had just gotten back from a trip to South America. They brought some fun things back –weird fruit snacks, farmer’s tans, cortisona cream –but there was one in particular that made the crowd go wild… CHOCOLATE! 

We all gathered around the coffee table as 3 exotic chocolate bars emerged from Forrest’s bag. He explained the flavor of each and where they came from –Peru, Colombia, hint of espresso, milk, dark…

As the whole family looked on the chocolate bars with eager anticipation (I could see Bill Hughes wiping away traces of drool), Forrest added an important twist. “We learned the right way to eat chocolate.” Kristen and Forrest had been properly educated on a new approach to chocolate eating. He explained that you first break off a piece and listen for the “Snnaaap” as it breaks. The more crisp the sound, the better. Now, contrary to the American way, South Americans just place the chocolate on their tongue and patiently wait for it to dissolve. No biting. No chewing. Just enjoying the fullness of the experience.

That sounds lame.

But we all obliged and entertained this new chocolate eating procedure. I picked up the milk chocolate bar. “Snnaaap.” My fingers tingled as the tension build and finally released, a treasure waiting for me between both thumbs and forefingers.

As the morsel sat on my tongue, I tasted more flavors than ever before…. A chocolate eating experience different from any I had previously experienced.

It was smooth. The small piece literally melted in my mouth and the creamy goodness spread across my tongue. As the flavor dispersed, I tasted new hints of chocolate that were so foreign to my “stuff my face with Dove chocolates and eat them in seconds” approach.

Tonight as Hunter and I talked about engagement and our excitement, this previous experience came back to mind.

Let’s not rush through the sweetness of engagement just to get to the “good part”. I want to savor this time, knowing that God is intricately involved in the process. I was to embrace the tension of wanting so badly to be married, but also waiting patiently and rejoicing in the waiting. I want to acknowledge that this method of tasting chocolates is very new and foreign to me, but that it might… just might… be better than the way I’ve been doing it. Yes, the desire to just want engagement to be over and rush through to the marriage is there. But God is suggesting I try a new approach. A more savoring approach.

It’s difficult. A lot of days I lack this new perspective. But God is reminding me to slow down, sit quietly, and savor. And through this process, not only do I experience chocolate in a whole new way, I get to experience God in a whole new way.

Joy of the Redeemed

My loving fiancé reminded me of this truth this morning found in Isaiah 35.

“The desert and the parched land will be glad;

the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;

it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

…

They will see the glory of the Lord,

the splendor of our God.

Strengthen the feeble hands,

steady the knees that give way.

…

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,

and the ears of the deaf unstopped;

Then shall the lame man leap like a deer,

and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.

For waters break forth in the wilderness,

and streams in the desert;

And a highway shall be there,

And it shall be called the Way of Holiness;

the unclean shall not pass over it.

It shall belong to those who walk on the way;

…

But the redeemed shall walk there.

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return

and come to Zion with singing;

everlasting joy shall be upon their hands;

they shall obtain gladness and joy,

and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.”

It speaks of the redemption God brings to his creation. “The blind will see… there will be streams in the desert.” And He makes a highway back to Zion, our home, that is called the Way of Holiness.

This promise blows me away. It is overflowing with hope and only possible because of my redeemer who shed his blood for me. I get to be a partaker of these things, not through any effort of my own, but by the covering Christ has made for me to be seen as the holy and blameless, pure, undefiled, bride of Christ!

Hunter told me of how it makes him think of the aisle I’ll get to walk on July 22. The death and impurity of this world and of ourselves in wiped away and we are called Holy, set apart by God FOR God. We walk towards Him, towards home, on that day and all the days after. 

Thoughts on Forgiveness

You know how sometimes everything you’re learning in your life starts to overlap and it couldn’t be clearer that God is trying to get a message across?

Well you guessed it, it’s happening to me. And the topic is forgiveness.

I’m a piece of work when it comes to this topic, but God is really good at working with difficult and messy pottery. He’s like one of those tattoo artists whose job it is to cover up a really regrettable tattoo decision. (Don't act like you've never impulsively gotten a butt tatt with your friends..)  I’ve seen some pretty crazy transformations happen on the show… a woman with a sleeve of junk food and donuts that they were able to turn into a veggie tattoo sleeve. That’s pretty impressive! −to take two completely opposite things and be able to creatively see how it can be changed into something better. While the comparison is very loose, hopefully you can make some sort of connection with it ;)

Anyways, I digress.

About 2 weeks ago Hunter and I had a conflict arise. At the root of it were a lot of miscommunicated thoughts, misinterpreted thoughts, and shame. I won’t speak for Hunter, but I will speak for myself. I was extremely frustrated and bitter. Not only did I emotionally feel angry, but physically my body felt tense. The best way I can describe it was feeling like I had clenched fists. I admitted to him that I was reacting this way and that I knew it was not of the spirit but of the flesh. I felt helpless to react differently. Eventually, I cried out to God and asked for him to help. And he did. It felt as though God had applied a healing balm… my muscles relaxed and I fell into his arms.

The next day at our Easter service, the sermon was on Colossians 3:12-14

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

In summary, this passage commands people to put on these 5 things:

1.) Compassion

2.) Kindness

3.) Humility

4.) Gentleness (Meekness)

5.) Patience

Putting on these things lead to these 2 actions:

1.) Forgiving one another –surrendering your right to hurt someone who has hurt you

2.) Bearing with one another – an ongoing action

·         I can forgive Hunter because God has forgiven me much.

·         Forgiveness is only possible with your eyes fixed on the cross. If my eyes are any place else, my self-righteousness makes forgiveness feel nearly impossible.

(Parable of the two debtors)  : Who am I to withhold grace when my own debt far exceeds theirs…

In the case of my conflict with Hunter, I was a sinner being offended by another sinner.

This pales in comparison to my sin against a holy & perfect God.

This Good Friday was a timely reminder of that.

There’s no doubt that forgiveness will continue to be a challenge in my life. My first reaction to being hurt is usually to withdraw in order to protect myself from further damage. Then bitterness sets in along with defensiveness –if I don’t stand up for me, who will? But, through God’s word and the counsel of others, I am aware that these reactions only create a further distance and separation. By saying “Yes” to forgiveness, we are able to see how God takes broken relationships and redeems them. I can honestly say that God has brought Hunter and I’s relationship even greater sweetness and closeness following the difficult conversations. That’s what God does, He redeems!

As we walk forward, we know this is just the start of a long road of “I’m sorrys” and difficult “I forgive yous.” But, by God’s grace, we can walk forward assured that God will not abandon his children. We can confidently own our shame and come out of hiding knowing that we are first and foremost forgiven by God through Christ, and that changes everything. 

Lusting in the Workplace

I'm curious what this title brought to mind for you...

Hopefully this will be different than what you had originally thought but refreshing and a new perspective.

This evening I read in Numbers about the Israelites complaining to Moses for better food. The Lord had promised to give them enough manna every day, but after a short time wandering in the wilderness, they got sick of eating the same old thing. "Give us meat to eat!"

So the story continues...
Moses brought their complaints before the Lord. The Lord gave the Israelites what they wanted.... quail for days! Seriously, the Lord said to Moses, "I will give them meat for a whole month."

It's not because the Lord is incapable. He made that clear to Moses when he told him the plans. “Tell the people: ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!” Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?”’

And listen to Moses' response: “Here I am among six hundred thousand men on foot, and you say, ‘I will give them meat to eat for a whole month!’ Would they have enough if flocks and herds were slaughtered for them? Would they have enough if all the fish in the sea were caught for them?” Moses doubts that the Lord can do what he has said. I don't think Moses' response is that crazy if any old person had said that. I agree, Moses, that's a lot of quail. But Moses forgot who he was talking to. This wasn't a limited man. This is the Divine and Almighty God. Considering that truth, God's reply to Moses gets me excited. God doesn't have to explain himself, but here He is reminding Moses that he is infinitely capable and that his supply is endless.

The Lord answered Moses, “Is the Lord’s arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you.”

So what's my obsession with this Old Testament quail story. I'd love to tell you the strange connection between Moses, an elderly man from the tribe of Levi, and Christina, a 23 year old from the town of Davie, FL.

I feel like the Israelites. Lately, work has been difficult and it's so so frustrating. I often feel as though I deserve a more rewarding job instead of an exhausting one that often seems thankless. My requests for quail come through complaints for feeling successful, impactful, and craving the approval of my students.

These aren't bad things, but they are so harmful when I make them an inappropriate desire. The Israelites desire for quail wasn't wrong, they were craving good food, but a good desire turned sinful when they felt it was their right to have it and they could think of nothing else. I could relate so much to this. My desires aren't inherently "bad", but they have oh so subtly moved from harmless thoughts to sinful lust in my heart. Lately, I can think of nothing else. The story of the Israelites lusting after better food has showed me that when you become preoccupied with something to the point where it affects your perspective on everything else, you have moved from desire to lust.

God is Rich in Mercy

Yesterday I drove to a community group potluck at around 5. I noticed myself on edge and frustrated by a prior bean purchasing incident at Walmart. I just wanted to run in and out but, of course, found myself stuck in a check-out line for 15 minutes behind a woman who took her coupons very seriously.

As I made my way over to Hope’s house, God helped me snap out of my ungrateful attitude.

Christina, remember just a few months ago when you drove this same route to your very first community group? … Having no idea what to expect but praying and trusting that I would provide community. Well I did! And now you’re driving to share a meal with these people who have been such a blessing for the short time you have known them.  

My clenched fists opened and praised the Lord for his faithfulness. After some really refreshing time eating and playing games, I headed out to go to my friend Liz’s house. I pulled up and joined Liz, Jenn, and Savannah on her porch for some tea and chilly fellowship. It was so sweet to my soul to be able to sit and share life and have conversation about what God has been doing with these new sisters in Christ in Tampa.

At around 11:00 pm Jenn and I headed out, deeply satisfied from the fellowship that had God’s goodness written all over it. Jenn had reached out to me earlier in the day and asked if she could stay the night at my place. I asked if she wanted to follow me to my apartment but she said she had the directions and would meet me there.

15 minutes or so later, as I turned onto Brandon Causeway I answered a phone call from Jenn. When I saw she was calling, I figured she probably needed directions or help with the gate.

Jenn calmly started speaking: “Christina, I just got T-boned. I was just following the directions… I can’t move. I’m fine… They’re taking me to the hospital…”

 …”Hi Christina, I’m one of the paramedics. Your friend is fine but we need to take her to the hospital because of the severity of the impact.”

“Okay. Wait, where are you going? Can I meet you there? ” Click.

A million different thoughts and scenarios rushed through my mind. Pray. I need to pray. I called Liz and told her the situation as calmly as I could. Pray with me.

I asked God for these things:

Please give Jenn calmness and peace that only comes from you.

I pray for the doctors who treat her. Give them wisdom and help them care for her.

I pray that she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the logistics and details with the car and insurance.

I showed up a little while later at Tampa General. I felt more calm after praying and worshipping as I drove there. I walked into room 4 of the ER to see both of my friends. Jenn looked at me and her eyes immediately filled with tears. I held her hands and just stared at my friend, thanking God that she was in front of me and safe.

Jenn shared that she felt strangely calm when she got there… “Idk if it was from shock or what.” And everyone here that’s taken care of me has been so nice. My car is totaled but it’s okay. Those were the exact three things I had prayed for her. Yes, God hears our prayers.

The next few hours were filled with worship. I shared with Jenn something that I had been learning recently. God’s love doesn’t always look the way we want it to… it’s not always the warm and fuzzy kind of love. Sometimes it hurts or feels more like discipline than love. But it is so obvious that God loves and cares for you, even through this.

As Jenn processed through more of the shock, I sat there so encouraged by her worshipful heart. Jenn felt weak, rightfully so, but there’s something about being rocked by the transience of life that made even the two women sitting by her bedside equally as weak.

As I listened to Jenn quietly and with heavenly calmness say, “We just never know when our last moment will be” I was caught by the weighty-ness.

Weighty-ness:

 Can you imagine how people who don’t know the Lord respond to situations like this? Yes, with a weighty-ness but one born out of fear. A realization of their impermanence that causes them to panic and consider what their purpose is and why they’re here.

But can you imagine how a person who knows that God is with them responds? With a confidence knowing that this momentary suffering is God-ordained and is indeed just that, momentary. They know that their life is temporary but they do not fear death because they know their life is secure with Christ. It’s a different kind of weighty-ness… one that acknowledges the sovereignty of God and his mercy towards the lowly.

The past 24 hours have been a lot to process.  

But I am confident of this:

God loves me. And gave himself for me. And I get to know him and enjoy him forever… even after I take my last breath in this temporary body. Life is a gift and God is such a gracious gift-giver.

Lord, I thank you that we can know you. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to live life apart from you but that I get you. I get to worship you through the hard stuff and know that there is divine purpose weaved into everything I experience. I am reminded that my salvation is a gift. I can take no credit for knowing you… “And if you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still.” I could do nothing to work my way to you, but in your great mercy you gave me yourself. Thank you for the body of Christ and that even though Jenn’s family is in Georgia, that Liz and I could love her by your strength. Thank you for the opportunity to love and serve Jenn last night. It is so obvious that you care about Jenn so much. Keep my eyes heavenward. Thank you for making even the most unideal circumstances an opportunity to worship you and behold your glory. Amen.

Dear American,

I’m not one to talk about politics, but with all of the women’s marches and protests the last two days, my mind needs to process.

I am perplexed. People are losing their minds. There are riots and marches and protests all standing up for "morality" while in doing so, people seem to have thrown aside all morals. This isn't everyone, but some are even lighting fires, breaking windows, defacing vehicles, and yelling obscenities on TV.

The events I have been witnessing hurt my soul. We are acting recklessly, abandoning sound judgement, and creating our own standards of what is morally acceptable behavior.

We are holding Trump to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. We have been quick to point a finger and verbally assault him with talk of how he is not behaving according to “our moral standards.” And I agree, he is wrong in the way he speaks and acts. But so are you and I. It is okay for us to lie, cheat, and swear, but not him. But wait, isn’t he a sinner just like us? Yes, the leader of our country should be held to high standards, but so should we.

Think of the music on the radio that the majority of Americans listen to. Lyrics that demean and degrade women. Songs praising a warped view on sex and intimacy. But he is worse than us? American, you are angry but you are no different. Why is it okay to watch pornography from the comfort of your own bedroom but when Trump publicly talks about the way he has violated a woman that is far worse? Why is it okay to buy into America’s cheap culture of viewing women as objects for your pleasure but when you hear “locker room talk” you cringe.

Examine yourselves. Are you better than this man? Or are you quick to point a finger, blind to your own hypocrisy? In the midst of all this “not my president” talk, honestly evaluate yourself… Does this president represent you? Yes. He does. He represents hopelessly rebellious, sinful, hell-bound people.

But God.

There is hope. Let this leader point you higher. Let this man, whom you despise and who might, just might, make you despise your own blood-stained hands, direct your eyes to another leader. A heavenly king. King Jesus. 

Pre-Sunrise Thoughts

I woke up this morning feeling jittery and unable to sleep. Perhaps it’s from all of the excitement of looking at wedding venues yesterday. Whatever the reason, here I am, awake at 5:30 on a Sunday morning. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but thoughts of wedding details and future hopes kept coming to mind. While it’s not an entirely bad thing, I didn’t like it. I wanted my thoughts to be anchored on something more certain. Not just hopes or dreams. I decided to listen to a sermon on Job, a book of the Bible that I’m reading through. It’s not that I don’t understand the basic theme of Job –I know it’s about suffering. But I wanted a greater understanding of this divinely inspired, 42 chapter book, that God has given us.

“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he

feared God and shunned evil. 2 He had seven sons and three daughters, 3 and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.”

This seemingly “fairy tale” introduction is a stark contrast with what happens in just a few chapters.

“So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

The question “why” rings through the minds of most people who read these chapters.

            Why would God allow this?

            Why curse an upright man?

            Why give Satan the go-ahead to afflict him?

            Why take everything he has?

            Why kill his entire family?     

            Why, if God is good, does he allow suffering?

I think these are normal inquiries from people who just don’t see the whole picture. Our minds can’t comprehend the purposes of God, we are well aware of this. While the reading of the 42 chapters of Job won’t satisfy our “whys”, it will do something even greater –give us a deeper faith to accept the unanswered whys and trust that the answer God has, though unspoken, is sufficient. 

The other evening, Hunter and I were talking about the job situation. I had called Indiana School for the Blind on Monday but there weren’t any open positions. The woman I spoke with was nice, but the only advice she could give was to keep checking their job posting website and maybe something would open this Spring.

Spring. That feels way too unpredictable. If I really am moving to Indiana in the Summer, the idea of hoping for a job to open up just a few months before I move makes me uneasy. I want security. I want a guarantee. I want everything sorted out well in advance.

As I talked to Hunter, his comments were hopeful and filled with faith. He didn’t seem as worried as I did. Am I not trusting God enough with this? Should I be as peaceful as he is? Am I foolish for being afraid or is he foolish for being too confident?

The job situation has definitely been on my mind… not consistently but enough to keep me uncertain about the future. This morning I had some honest time with God. 

Lord, I’m more fearful about this job search than I thought I would be. Is it right to want to be prepared before we move?  Or is that just me trying to justify my lack of faith… I don’t think I trust you.

This afternoon, just before three o’clock, I got a phone call from Indiana.

“Hi, this is Christina.”

“Hello Christina, this is Toni (couldn’t quite hear the last name) from Indiana School for the Blind. I’m just returning your call, is now a good time?”

Now, before you start jumping up and down, I didn’t get offered a job just like that. But please, keep reading. It’s a cool story.

Toni and I talked for about 10 minutes. Her voice was kind and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation.

“So why the heck would you want to move from Florida to Indiana?!”

I explained, “My fiancé lives in Indianapolis. We were really considering either place, but it seems like he has some pretty cool opportunities in Indiana. So I’m thinking I’ll probably move there in July.”

Although there weren’t any current job openings, Toni invited me to send my resume so they would have it on file should something open up.  She also mentioned that a lot of the staff start out in part time positons and then apply for other jobs as they open up. Definitely sounded like some feasible options. Instead of a no, it sounded more like a not yet.

As we wrapped up our conversation, Toni told me that I could send her an email if I ever wanted to tour the school when I was in the area.

“My name is Toni Hughes.”

“Did you say your last name is Hughes.”

“Yes, H-U-G-H-E-S.”

“ No way, that’s soon to be my last name too!”

God is writing our story. Sometimes sentences at a time, other times paragraphs, and still other times only letter by letter. But his timing and his thoughtful detail always out-do my own vain attempts. Praise God that he is the author and finisher.

Naked I came and naked I will return.

Naked I came and naked I will return.

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

I don't have a single item to my name.
I know what you're thinking... yea right, girl. You have plenty of stuff. I do. I have a lot of things on loan, but truly, I don't own any of it.

We're born... Butt Naked. We don't even own clothes. It's just us and maybe some hair on our heads. And by God's grace, we're born into families that can feed, clothe, and provide for us. Then, these families send us to school and help us learn to read, write, add, and subtract. (Not even our intelligence is our own doing.) We get through school and then, perhaps, we go to college. Our minimum wage jobs in high school most likely can't afford such a pricey education, so someone helps us finance it -mom, dad, loans, a wealthy great Aunt, however you do it. Then we graduate with a degree. We're a "big shot" now. We get a job, and start earning our "own" money. We quickly forget how we got here and suddenly begin to believe that our salaries and everything we buy with them is our own.

But I believe differently. I believe that while we do put forth the effort, that it is still all a gift. Yes, a gift. Something that we have not purchased on our own, but a gift: something given voluntarily without payment in return. Take a moment to consider that.


As I am reminded that nothing is own, I am reminded that not even my life is my own... but a life granted to me by a gracious Father.

At the end of the day, anything that we feel God unjustly takes from us --a dear friend, our job, our health, a comfortable bank account, and even our own life --is, in fact, giving God back what we're just borrowing.

I love the thought of being (H)is

I love the thought of being (H)is.

As I’ve returned to a life without Hunter (physically present, that is) I’ve noticed something. I get excited to show off my engagement ring. This isn’t out of wanting to be “flashy” or show off “status” (I still can’t believe I’m wearing something that costs the equivalent of hundreds of subway sandwiches on my hand without a body guard to protect my little ring finger). I get excited to show off my engagement ring because it’s me saying to the world “Look, I’m taken! Don’t even think about it, I am committed to a man who I love deeply and who loves and cherishes me.”

I get excited to pay for groceries at Publix and hand my debit card to the cashier…

I get excited to hold and sip out of my coffee cup at the blind tiger as I’m writing this…

I get excited to type boring emails…

I get excited to read braille with my students...

I get excited to hold my pencil, or silverware, or anything! (It’s not so bad being left-handed afterall)

As I think of why I’m so excited to show the world that soon I get to be Hunter’s, it brings up a thought that I hadn’t considered until just now.

I can let this excitement point to another sweet kind of belonging. I am God’s. No, I don’t have a ring to show it. But I get something better; I get his Spirit inside of me. And here’s the cool part, while this diamond on my finger is shiny and brilliant, God’s Holy Spirit living in me shines even more brilliantly. No, I don’t have a physical outward sign of belonging to Christ, but I have this insanely powerful inward transformation, which in turn affects everything else about me, even my outward appearance. 

When I pay for my groceries, I don’t get to show off the ring on my finger. Instead, I get to show off how God has changed me! I can genuinely ask about their life and care for them during our brief interaction.  

It’s the same with any of these scenarios that I mentioned above. I get to be a living sacrament that points people to God. I get to walk around confidently and excitedly, knowing that I am His. I get to live loved and show others where to run to so they can find deep satisfaction and belonging. 

Praise God I have something so joyful to make even the most common-place activities filled with the excitement of telling others “Come and See.”

Giggling at God's Grace

1/5/17

Meanwhile at Armpit…

I woke up feeling particularly excited that I would get to call and ask about Granada today.

Praise God for some good time in the word and a sweet morning to “take a moment to remember.”

Funny enough, on my morning playlist shuffle “Be thou my vision” and “Take a moment” came on one after another. In that order. The exact same order Hunter had played them the night we got engaged.

***

Christina called Granada and left a message at around 10am:

Around 10 am, I went outside to call Granada. I prayed honestly and told God that I really did desire to get married here and it would be sweet if that happened but that I trusted him.

During planning period (around 11:40) Christina had gotten a frantic call from a student’s mom asking if she would find out why he was in the guidance counselors office. I sprang into action and checked all of the logical places –my desk, the trashcan, climbed up a tree and peered into a bird’s nest. Jk… but really, I checked a handful of places and no luck. As I was walking through the guidance office, I overheard someone say “Let’s get the vision specialist to come down”. Moments later as I walked by her office, Tania told me that there was a new VI student at Armwood and it was her first day. I walked quickly to my classroom and gave Sheri the 411 and told her they wanted to speak to her.

I checked one last place… Alas! I see Nathan sitting at a table in Deb Seeley’s room. He was on the phone with his mom and I asked if everything was good. No sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth, the phone rang. I looked down and saw “Granda Lord willing, were getting married here. (I had saved the contact under that name last night.) I answered the phone and scurried outside of the front entrance.

The conversation was easy and natural. She gave me some of the details, I told her how crazy the day had been, she shared that she’s pregnant and also has a head cold from traveling… she had just gotten back from Indiana, no way, that’s where my boyfriend (oops) lives. Things were looking good but then came the moment of truth. I knew I liked the place, but would they be available in July? I asked Crystal if they had any openings in July and she, to my surprise, had openings for every weekend in July. Yippeee! I can’t wait to call Hunter. Oh dang, I need to find Nathan. (Had to die to myself for a moment). Ran back inside, found Nathan and spoke with him for a few minutes, wrote a tardy pass for him, and then ran back outside, calling Hunter before I was even out the door.

“I think we have a venue!”

There wasn’t much time to talk. We prayed. I remember just being so awe-struck but how quickly God had worked out these details. Less than 24 hours ago, we were just discussing the venue options and here we were. As I prayed, the words “I feel like Sarah laughing, not because I’m skeptical, but because you’re so good” (← or something like that) slipped out of my mouth. Seriously, I don’t even remember knowing I was gonna say that until they were coming out of my mouth. Hunter giggled… and giggled… and giggled…

No kidding, he had just read that passage earlier in the morning. Whoa. God you are so involved and love to show up in the big things and even the small things.

License Plates

When I think back to an important decision I made 2 years ago to do an internship in Austin, it seems like God made it abundantly clear through people, conversations, prayer, and even license plates. I remember the first appearance a Texas license plate made in my life that summer. I was talking with Emily Knight outside of starbucks on Tennessee St. I remember I was telling her about how quickly and recently Austin had entered my mind. As I told her about some of the confirmation I thought I was getting for it, I remember turning my head just as a car exited the drive-thru... a car with a Texas license plate. I totally freaked out. As silly as a license plate sounds as confirmation from the Lord, I remember really feeling him speaking through it.

As I've been recently considering a move to Indiana, I've been experiencing familiar wavering emotions of fear and excitement. One song in particular that I've been really using to quiet my soul is "God I look to You." Through prayer, conversations with Hunter, and a big change of heart, I have felt God leading me to really consider Indiana. Though at first I was wrestling with a lot of different variables and thinking through all of the things a move would mean, recently God has given me peace in the midst of all the vacillating thoughts.

About a week after I felt His peace in it all, I headed home to see my family for Christmas.
As I made my journey to Ft. Lauderdale, I was caught in the midst of a caravan of Indiana license plates.




1/2/17 Way back to Tampa: 2 Indy



1/3/17: coming home from Armwood




"I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord."

Covenant Sermon

Post thoughts on Ryan's sermon:

Preparing for marriage like we're preparing for christ to come again




Notes from 1/3/17 convo with parents:

• Taking a beautiful gift and using it as leverage (will say something if it continues to be an issue in the future.
• So we gave you the ring and you're just going to do what you want anyway
• Salary and benefits:
• bleh. Not theirs to worry about. I am doing fine on just my salary. God will provide. Not theirs to choose, it's Hunter's choice what he chooses as a career/vocation
• It's going to be hot and your make-up will run down your face
• Told them about possiblity of Indy
• You need to be in Ft. L for more than a week before the wedding (need to discuss)
• NOt good listener
• This isn't set in stone, I wanted to run the dates by you first... you already picked July?
• Are you looking for jobs in Indiana? Resumes?

Positives:

• I can understand where youre coming from... July does make more sense
• time off
• lease is up
• more people can come
• venue is available
• Dad can still pick details
• Can your pastor do it at the church? Meant alot that she asked and was cool with it
• I can also look for more churches (send em to me. Want to hear your input)
• Coral Gables is a beautiful area
• Will, Lord willing, be done with internship
• Start to set boundaries

At the end of the day:

• Reminder that I deserve worse
• Think I deserve to be treated better by them. Is it my pride though...
• It's not their wedding, it's not our wedding... It's God's
• We are still trying to honor and respect them, but need to be firm
• After the fact, things will simmer down. Just a short period of time that we need to get through
• Makes me appreciate Hunter's family... They aren't the norm and the way they respond isn't my standard for my parents... it's just another example of Grace
• Not willing to compromise on the ceremony. But do want to explain my reasoning why I'm doing certaint things/ the significance
• Reception is a celebration... more for the parents anyway
• Could be sweet for my relationship with Dad
• showing him my desire to be married... it's not just to leave and make him sad
• might make the transition easier