What is love? Baby don't hurt me

Can I even love unselfishly?

That's a great question. Until recently, I don't think I've ever really considered that thought.

It seems like the only love that I know is a selfish love. Let me explain. My intentions aren't totally wrong, at least they don't seem to be, but I've only ever received something in return for my "love". Whether it's a fuzzy feeling, acknowledgment, an ego boost, or even an "I love you too."

My view of love is tainted by selfishness.

I've noticed that lately my heart is so hardened toward loving my students because they are love-suckers. They just like to suck the love out of you without giving anything in return. But wait a minute...

This bothers me because I'm not getting anything in return. Until now, I've never experienced having to give this kind of love.

My combative fists begin to fall and my hardened heart begins to soften... Hmm.

Another reminder that my life is not my own

Another reminder that my life is not my own

When I woke up today, I was grumpy to say the least. I didn’t want to get out of bed and I definitely did not want to go to work or trust God with my day. The 30 minute drive to work was work in itself, fighting to pray and believe that God could redeem my day and my heart. I knew that it would be best if I trusted him with everything that was ahead of me, but I was so stubborn in believing that my day would just be bad because I had made up my mind that it would be so. I did the only thing I knew: Reached out for prayer because I was helpless.

As the day unfolded, I saw more and more evidences of God’s grace weaved into it –you see, nothing had really changed. The day was still full of the same problems… paperwork, difficult students, way too much to do and too little time… but my heart had dramatically changed. I felt a lightness towards those very same burdens that seemed too heavy to lift just a few hours previously. The load hadn’t changed, but the one carrying it had.

The dreaded IEPs:

This past weekend, I brought some work home with me. You see, I have an IEP coming up Tuesday afternoon (tomorrow :0) that I needed to write up. My attitude towards it was just wanting to get it done as quickly as possible so that I could get it off my mind and enjoy my weekend –I already do enough for these kids! Plus, I don’t even get paid to work on these in my personal time!

As I worked on the same unfinished IEP today though, I noticed something had changed in my approach to this cumbersome task. There was a desire to work on it and do it well. (I know, that should always be the goal). I sincerely wanted to do a good job and not just get it done. I wanted to provide information that would be beneficial and set goals that would be helpful to my student.

The invitation:

As I went through my day, I received an invitation to go over my friend Hope’s house for dinner. I was a bit hesitant to accept, especially since I felt that I would need the whole rest of the afternoon to complete the IEP, but I accepted anyways. (Poor decision or good decision… stay tuned!)

As I sat outside enjoying a nice homemade bowl of chili with Hope and her family, I was very thankful for God’s provision of some great friends. Hope mentioned that her friend Kaydee would be coming over for dinner (Summarize kaydee: moving soon, high school friend of Hopes, smart, science, praying for opportunities to share with her)

We prayed that our time with Kaydee would be glorifying to God. Kaydee actually walked in the door just as we had finished praying.

Over a game of Settlers of Katan, God totally showed up in our conversation. Shared about our experiences with depression and aniety. Wow God. Totally not how I expected this conversation to go, but your name is all over it.

Going into the time of prayer at Hope’s, I had a feeling that it would be costly. Let me explain: I had a feeling that even though I badly needed to leave early and work on the IEP, God would challenge me to surrender my plans and my timeline. And he did. On a day where I expected to use all of my time to work on this paperwork, I am just now getting home for the first time today. Still no completed IEP. But get this, I get to rest because something of much more value is already completed to a perfect standard. I get to rest in Christ’s completed work on the cross and know that even when a day starts out feeling like it’ll end in defeat, I get to be victorious, no matter what, because Christ has done it!

Praise God for that!