You Don't Even Know

“You don’t even know…”

These words came from my husband as he attacked my cheeks with kisses. He was implying that I don’t understand his deep passion, love, and commitment to me. And I don’t. Although I understand what he means, it’s not a phrase that I can fully comprehend. In that moment, hearing him say those words, I heard those words from my father. “You don’t even know… how much I love you, how much you’re worth, how much you cost, how severing your sin is, how great Jesus’ victory is on your behalf, how much grace there is for you…”

It’s true. I really don’t know.

Things are happening…

In my job, there are lots of days when progress seems pretty non-existent. Although special education takes on a misconception of mostly being baby-sitters or teaching insignificant lessons that are way over students’ heads, there are moments of growth and new mercies in it every day.

I confess, much of the time I don’t see the growth. There have been many moments when in defeat I’d tell my husband, “What’s the point? He’s not going to college.” Or “Why am I wasting my time? He doesn’t care” or “He hasn’t made any progress. If that was going to be the end result, I could’ve put in way less time and effort and gotten to the same place.”

But God was gracious to lift the veil yesterday and show me all of the miraculous things happening beneath the surface. I saw progress. I saw moments where it all clicked. I saw hours of labor that had, despite my own blindness, been cultivated into something beautiful.

These moments were sacraments to my soul. There were moments that pointed me back to the glory of God in a broken, obviously broken, world.

These moments looked like…. a student traveling a route and using problem solving skills I didn’t even know he had. A teenage student who almost exclusively communicates with mumbles and grunts, joking and laughing and talking to me more than he has in the past 2 years. A student who pushes back against any kind of help asking me if we had our counseling appointment today. A student who hates school asking if he could attend our after school program on Mondays. A student with autism asking our van driver how his Christmas break was (Let’s just say this student only ever wants to talk about toys and never asks people how they are just because).

When blessings become burdens

I was able to spend some time (trying) to be still yesterday. After sitting down and wrestling with to-dos and things I wanted to accomplish, I finally relented. I was trying to be still but the only thing I wanted to think about in my “stillness” was how much I wanted to be “doing”. I jotted down all of the things that had been stealing my attention –groceries, cleaning, reaching out to people, making a gift for a friend who is expecting her 4^th child this month…

As I glanced down at my list, I felt like God gave me some clear eyes for a moment. I wrote:

“Lord, I feel weighed down by things that are meant to be blessings.”

In that moment, God spoke truth where I needed to hear it. You’re making things that I meant to be blessings into burdens.

At first I felt a little defeated. Here’s another thing I messed up. But then, I felt free. Rather than letting me continue to sit in my anxious and overwhelmed state, God spoke truth.

I tried to trace back to the root of this. When did opportunities to serve friends, and pray, and even the gift of free time become so overwhelming?

A familiar thought came to mind. I think one of the thoughts at the core of this anxiety is not wanting to waste any opportunity.

I have this vivid memory from childhood: I was at Disney World with my family –I must have been 8 or 10 years old. My dad told me, my brother, and my sister that we could each pick out a souvenir. I walked around the bright store captivated by toys, and stuffed animals, and those cheap little light sabers with Mickey Mouse on the end (you know the one!). The world was my oyster! I could choose anything! My brother and sister both quickly chose their souvenirs. But then there was me. I wandered. And looked. And pondered. And tried to decide, but just couldn’t!

In the midst of my toy deliberating, I looked up to make sure I didn’t get left behind. I could see my dad waiting at the register and giving me that “you ready yet?” look. So I quickly wandered back through some aisles and then grabbed the Mickey art set off the shelf.

I was glad with my selection but, my goodness, what a process! What was meant to be a blessing, my dad letting me pick out a Disney souvenir, turned into such a burden! I can still remember the emotions my little self was feeling… I just didn’t want to pick the wrong thing. I didn’t want to waste this opportunity of free choice.

Guess what? I think big Christina still struggles with the same thing.

I’ve graduated from picking out toys to stressing out about how to best serve a friend or spend my free time. Serving others is a blessing that the Lord lets us take part in. And free time is a gift!

The verse from Galatians 5 comes to mind, “You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.”

How fitting is this verse? It addresses this issue of using your freedom that I'm wrestle with spot on. God, like my earthly father, gives us a command with a pretty wide range of options. God tells us what NOT to use our freedom for but he leaves it up to us to figure out what to spend our freedom on, as long as it’s serving others. This is a gift! I know I keep reiterating it but that’s because it truly is a gift. God gives us the freedom to decide what to do with our freedom.

I’m trying, with God’s help, to become more free in my freedom –more free in my decision making. All of my striving to choose the right thing actually just turns into an inward-focused, indulging of my flesh. Those certainly aren’t my intentions, but that’s the result. This is the exact thing that God warns us about –you are free, just use it to be self-serving. Rather than agonizing over what to choose, I want to focus more on the heart.

So here’s my plea to be free in Christ and to use the freedom that he gives me to influence my decision making about my freedom:

Father, I praise you that I am free from sin and bondage and the pressing cares of this world. You know my heart, even my little heart back in the Disney gift shop. You know my desire to do the “right thing” and to not waste my freedom, but God, don’t let that cripple me from enjoying your gift. Allow my heart to experience the joy of serving others without being worried that I’m not doing enough. Allow my heart to experience the fullness of your presence in serving, praying, and even the down-time. Lord, help me to aim at heaven’s joy, and protect me from trying to create that on my own through experiences here on this earth. Amen.

Christmas in July

The day is drawing near. There is anticipation. There is excitement. There is a fleeting sense of reality and an increasing sense of a dream-like state.

The day after our engagement as Hunter and I drove to Louisville for a conference, we talked about the feelings of anticipation. Conveniently enough, we had just listened to a sermon on Christmas. It mentioned the feelings of hopeful anticipation for the day itself. The ABC 25 Days of Christmas Countdown begins, the turkey is eaten and Christmas music can finally be shamelessly played, and the decorations are in full force. But it’s not just Christmas day that we are preparing for. We are preparing for the birth of a Savior.

The danger in just preparing for the day itself is the sense of emptiness that will follow when that day is over. If our hope is just in the event, we will feel a deep disappointment following the conclusion of it. I hope this doesn’t sound too bleak, but it really is a serious matter to miss the point of the celebration. The good news in all of this is that after the day is over, we get Jesus. He isn’t born on Christmas and then vanishes 24 hours later when the day is over. He remains.

Yes, this is July. And yes, I have just compared our wedding day to Christmas, but soak up the incredible parallel that it provides.

Our marriage is not a wedding.      

And it’s not just a wedding day we are preparing for; it’s a till-death-do-we-part covenant.

The wedding ceremony begins our marriage but we do not cease to be married after the day has ended. When we wake up the next morning, July 23^rd, and it is no longer our wedding day, we are still indeed very wedded. The covenant doesn’t end when the wedding ends.

The tragedy of putting our hope in the wedding day is not only the disappointment that will follow, but also a serious lack of preparation. –It’s no different in preparing for Christmas day by hanging lights and garland, but forgetting to prepare your heart for the Christ Himself.

As we move forward to this incredibly joyous celebration, we remind ourselves that our end is not the celebration itself. It is in the covenant that we make to sanctify and selflessly serve each other until we are brought home to Christ, who is our ultimate end. Our lives begin with Christ, the Savior born on Christmas day, and our lives end with Christ.  

Lord, please keep our minds on the covenant we are making before each other and before you. Protect us from getting caught up in the excitement of the celebration and missing the point of what we are celebrating. Use the next 11 days, not merely as a waiting period, but to continue to prepare us and teach us about the gravity of the commitment we are making. And as we process the gravity of it, keep us from despair and remind us that it’s not ourselves that will make this marriage work, but it is Christ who holds all things together.

Walk by the Spirit

These thoughts were incited by a John Piper sermon called “The War Within: Flesh Versus Spirit”

As we continue moving towards marriage (12 days now), we are realizing how present that desires of the flesh are. 

We’ve heard lots of marriage advice, but the general consensus seems to be that marriage is a huge means of sanctification. This means that a LOT of dying to self and your own preferences happens. As Hunter and I spend more time together, we’ve been realizing just how selfish we really are. Anyone who knows us would probably stop me there and say, “Oh, don’t be so hard on yourselves! You’re doing alright.” But the truth is, the subtle sin that has been covered becomes quickly exposed. Marriage, and even engagement for that matter, is a catalyst for uncovering sin.

The selfishness that I’m referring to isn’t overt. It starts to manifest itself in inconspicuous ways… through gentle nudges to get our way, making sure our own needs are met first, hinting at what we want the other person to do for us, even “innocently” justifying our own preferences.

In order to identify the solution, the first step is identifying the problem. What is it that makes me unable to love the man I love most the way I want to love him? Well, we know the problem. We are both sinners. As much as we want to do what we know is right, we just can’t.

I think Paul explains it best in Romans 7: “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that it, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do –this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body, that is subject to death? Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!”

Paul helps us clearly identify the problem, that is, we are still fighting a war against our flesh. Yes, we are regenerated (regeneration) and no longer slaves to sin because of the cross of Christ! We are made alive! But we are still being sanctified (Sanctification) and made new, which means we are still living in bodies that desire the flesh. And until we get to glory (glorification), that battle will be very present.

I know the outlook of this war between spirit and flesh isn’t looking good, but there’s more. Chapter 8 of Romans goes on to identify the solution, that is, the life believers have through the Spirit.

So where does that John Piper sermon that I mentioned way back in the beginning come into all of this? To be completely honest, I only listened to about the first 5 minutes of it. BUT those few minutes were rich, particularly the part about being “walking with” or in other words “led by” the spirit. Piper compares it to being led by a locomotive. If you think about it, all of the train cars behind really don’t have any power without the locomotive. Heck, they don’t even have engines! They’re really just wheels and axels. They’re good at following and that’s what they were intended to do. 

Could you imagine how ridiculous it would be for one of those train cars to try to deliver their cargo without being attached to the locomotive? SPOILER ALERT: Nothing would happen. The engine-less car has no power or momentum on its own. I know it’s more plain to see the futility of relying on our own efforts through the analogy of these train cars, but really let it sink in. No locomotive; No power. No Spirit; No power.

If we are not drawing from the power of the Holy Spirit to complete even the most simple of tasks, we are making a futile and power-less effort. It is so very essential for the Christian to be “attached” to the spirit if we are ever to begin to do the work of the Lord. Hear this and tell it to your soul: It is impossible to live the Christian life on our own. It is impossible. There is no back door to living the life God calls us to without God.

But hear this very very good news. God gives us Himself. God gave us Himself in Jesus, God incarnate, to reconcile His people to Himself through Himself. And God is presently giving us Himself in the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is God. He is God -- with all the attributes of deity. He is the third person of the Trinity -- co-equal with God the Father and God the Son.

Thanks be to God who delivers us through Christ Jesus our Lord!

Lord, help us to be more bendable to your leading. Just as a rigid train car will have a difficult time following, our rigid hearts will make it difficult for us to be led by you. Keep us humble and teachable, forsaking our own wills to pick up yours instead. Help us delight in following you and give us hearts that desire to attach onto you.

A Gentle and Quiet Spirit

This morning I was talking with my soon to be husband about our church’s Meditation for Preparation to get ready for the gathering. It’s a short reading and some questions that our pastor sends to all of the members of our church to help us get our minds right.

Scriptures for this Sunday:
Read Psalm 11. Where does David say the Lord is in the midst of your troubles? Does the Lord see or care for your concerns? Does your life reflect that truth?

As I thought through these questions, I couldn’t say that I always run to God in the midst of my troubles, even when being reassured by His word that “The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord is on his heavenly throne. He observes everyone on earth; his eyes examine them.” (Psalm 11: 4)

We discussed that it’s so difficult to be consistent with the way we trust God. Personally, I find myself doing either of two things: 1.) running towards God or 2.) away from him and turning to myself for help. The pattern for my own life seems to be that I turn to God with life’s “bigger” things, but tend to want to trust myself for smaller things. I think my reasoning is that the big things feel more out of control and daunting –I believe that I can control what I eat for lunch but I am more aware that I can’t find a job or sustain a marriage on my own. The truth is, though, that I can no more control the small seemingly insignificant life events any more than I can control whether or not it rains or whether or not I get into a car accident driving on I-275.  All of it is controlled by a very sovereign and all-powerful God.

Reflecting on these questions did something really important for my forgetful mind this morning. It reminded me of a simple yet day-changing and life-changing truth. “The Lord is on his heavenly throne.” This ought to change the way I approach things.

We’re either fixing our eyes on the transient things around us or on a never-changing God. Our eyes are fixed on something. But think about it, it is much more difficult to fix your eyes on a moving target than on something secure. It’s exhausting really. When I try to keep my eyes on the temporary things around me, it mostly just results in confusion and a lot of unrest. My mind is constantly swimming and trying to keep up with where my eyes should be. But when my gaze is steady on God, I can just keep my eyes on one place. I know that no matter what, I can keep my eyes anchored to the one who is on His throne and never leaves his throne. There’s no guessing or trying to find where he is. He tells us exactly where He is and where He will remain.

Patience With Joy

Waiting is hard. Especially when it comes to engagement. Last month, the Hughes family took a vacation to the beach. Forrest and Kristen Hughes (Hunter’s brother and sister-in-law) had just gotten back from a trip to South America. They brought some fun things back –weird fruit snacks, farmer’s tans, cortisona cream –but there was one in particular that made the crowd go wild… CHOCOLATE! 

We all gathered around the coffee table as 3 exotic chocolate bars emerged from Forrest’s bag. He explained the flavor of each and where they came from –Peru, Colombia, hint of espresso, milk, dark…

As the whole family looked on the chocolate bars with eager anticipation (I could see Bill Hughes wiping away traces of drool), Forrest added an important twist. “We learned the right way to eat chocolate.” Kristen and Forrest had been properly educated on a new approach to chocolate eating. He explained that you first break off a piece and listen for the “Snnaaap” as it breaks. The more crisp the sound, the better. Now, contrary to the American way, South Americans just place the chocolate on their tongue and patiently wait for it to dissolve. No biting. No chewing. Just enjoying the fullness of the experience.

That sounds lame.

But we all obliged and entertained this new chocolate eating procedure. I picked up the milk chocolate bar. “Snnaaap.” My fingers tingled as the tension build and finally released, a treasure waiting for me between both thumbs and forefingers.

As the morsel sat on my tongue, I tasted more flavors than ever before…. A chocolate eating experience different from any I had previously experienced.

It was smooth. The small piece literally melted in my mouth and the creamy goodness spread across my tongue. As the flavor dispersed, I tasted new hints of chocolate that were so foreign to my “stuff my face with Dove chocolates and eat them in seconds” approach.

Tonight as Hunter and I talked about engagement and our excitement, this previous experience came back to mind.

Let’s not rush through the sweetness of engagement just to get to the “good part”. I want to savor this time, knowing that God is intricately involved in the process. I was to embrace the tension of wanting so badly to be married, but also waiting patiently and rejoicing in the waiting. I want to acknowledge that this method of tasting chocolates is very new and foreign to me, but that it might… just might… be better than the way I’ve been doing it. Yes, the desire to just want engagement to be over and rush through to the marriage is there. But God is suggesting I try a new approach. A more savoring approach.

It’s difficult. A lot of days I lack this new perspective. But God is reminding me to slow down, sit quietly, and savor. And through this process, not only do I experience chocolate in a whole new way, I get to experience God in a whole new way.