Take Up Your Cross

As I sat and listened to my “Christian Playlist” on iTunes, I realized that I was ashamed to call myself a Christ-follower because of my actions. I sat there and knew I was wrong. I knew that the fight that I was trying to win, I had already lost. I had let my pride win. But I also knew that a more important victory had already been won on my behalf that I could never earn. That was the victory that my eyes needed to be fixed on.

As I turned around, tears in my eyes, and said, “You can have my seat”, I felt a humility that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Having to admit I was wrong and give up to something I was clinging onto so tightly was difficult. Having to unclench my fists and look the person I wronged in the face and say, well actually you see I’m acting like a child… that’s not a fun thing to do. As I tried to fix my mistake, things didn’t exactly go how I thought they would. She began to retaliate with “I’m not sure why you’re so upset, I told you that was my seat number…” the tears kept rolling. But then something happened.

It’s a strange thing when our walls come down. We can be whoever we want to be, but only for so long. Today what is valued most by society is strength. We want people to see us as someone who is strong and independent. It isn’t attractive to be weak or vulnerable, two characteristics that Christ values.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 “God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, “Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.”

1 Corinthians 1:28-31

The human side in both of us came out and instead of trying to keep up this front with her, I finally admitted, “No no, it’s not the seat. That’s not important to me. I’m just crying because I’ve had a rough day, that’s all. Please don’t feel bad!” Without even thinking, she reached over and hugged me. Yes, the girl I was just arguing with was now embracing me and comforting me. She quickly left her seat and came to sit near me. She asked what was wrong and continued to hug me. Now I was just crying because of how touched I was. As you can imagine, I was a hot mess.

As I looked into the eyes of my new friend, all I could see was Christ. I saw Christ reminding me of His promises and shifting my focus from something as insignificant as fighting over a bus seat, to reminding me that we are called to be His hands and feet. I saw His eyes of mercy looking right back at me reminding me that even though I constantly fail and get it wrong, His forgiveness is waiting and it’s not too late to turn around (literally) and get it right. I felt His embrace. I saw His nail pierced hands reminding me that He died so that I didn’t have to fight. He conquered death so that I could rest in His victory and not my own. 

            We sat and talked and she apologized for what had happened. All of that aside, we just talked. We talked about school, and life and enjoyed each other’s company. We quickly realized we had a lot more in common than the fact that we both rode red coach buses. As we talked, she told me about how she had not always come off so harsh but was now hardened by years of betrayal and disappointment. It hurt me to see how she had been carrying all of that for so long. I told her that it was no coincidence we were talking because I had experienced a lot of similar hurts. I listened and knew God was at work in our conversation.

The book I had been reading when the whole argument started, “Breaking Free” by Beth Moore, is all about letting go of past hurts and giving them to God for healing. I offered it to her to pass the time on the ride knowing that God didn’t just happen to give me the desire to bring it.

There’s something powerful about having the opportunity to be used by Christ when we’re the least prepared. (We’re never worthy, that’s for sure!) But it’s the times when I’m most overwhelmed by my own sin  and I need to preach the Gospel to myself that I can do so unselfishly as a witness to others. It’s the times when I realize that I’m ill as well that I can sit with others in the same boat and do so out of compassion instead of fear of infection.

Lord, help us to keep our eyes focused on you. The second we remove our gaze is when our vision gets blurry and we forget all you have done for us. I pray that you would give us hearts for the lost but remind us that we’re constantly in need of you as well. Keep us in tune to what you’re doing and help us to desire your will above our own. Amen..

 “For our light and momentary troubles are producing for us an eternal weight of glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:18

 "Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?"

Matthew 16:24-26

Glorious Ruins

Glorious Ruins

Hillsong

VERSE
When the mountains fall
And the tempest roars You are with me
When creation folds
Still my soul will soar on Your mercy

PRE-CHORUS
I'll walk through the fire
With my head lifted high
And my spirit revived in Your story
And I'll look to the cross
As my failure is lost
In the light of Your glorious grace

CHORUS
Let the ruins come to life
In the beauty of Your Name
Rising up from the ashes
God forever You reign

And my soul will find refuge
In the shadow of Your wings
I will love You forever
And forever I'll sing

VERSE
When the world caves in
Still my hope will cling to Your promise
Where my courage ends
Let my heart find strength in Your presence

 We’ve heard analogies on how the way our heavenly Father disciplines and corrects us can be compared to a father disciplining his son. We hear how he does it out of love and for our good. And although I firmly believe that God loves me and I’m sure the son in that analogy knows his father loves him, you can’t help but shriek in the midst of the discipline because it’s still unpleasant.

            Right now I'm just feeling worn out. I feel like in this season of my life it's just been trial after trial, and as I sit here and write, I feel like God desires my brokenness. It's a weird sentence to write, but perhaps God wants me to stop striving and finally allow him to repair the broken areas of my life (his way, not the way I tend to patch them up.) 

There has not been a single time in my life where I’ve left a season of God’s discipline lacking anything. I’m puzzled by my attitude in times of hardship because I think that I would rejoice in times like this, knowing that like it says in James “knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:3-4). If I truly believe what God’s Word says, I would be joyful throughout the whole process, awaiting the end result where I can see that God is producing more of His character in me.  

Whenever I think of God refining me, I am reminded of this scripture:

“And I will put this third into the fire,

    and refine them as one refines silver,
    and test them as gold is tested.
They will call upon my name,
    and I will answer them.
I will say, ‘They are my people’;
    and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’”

Zechariah 13:9

The thought of being refined through fire scares me! Fire is painful and unpleasant. Fire burns and scorches. Fire engulfs! But listen to what it says in Isaiah:

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2)

The Lord promises that when we face these trials, we will not be scorched! He tells us that we will not be engulfed by the flames but that he will be with us and provide safe passage! So why should we rejoice in trials and ‘Glorious Ruins’? Because we know that we are being broken to be made anew. Because God is tearing down our idols to build our faith in Him! Because we are going through the fire to be purified and not broken, but reshaped and remade to His service. Lord, help me to walk through the fire with my head lifted high, and my spirit revived by Your story. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast Spirit within me. 

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Single and not waiting

Posted by Rachel Selinger on Thursday, October 24, 2013 ·
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Flickr photo by Acy Varlan

I’m 23, I just graduated from university, and I’m single.
Many of my friends are married, and a few are starting to have children. And I feel as if I just graduated from high school again. You could say my life is in transition. And it’s true; I am in the middle of shifting myself from university to the career world. But I’ve started to wonder about whether it’s right to refer to my singleness as an in-between stage.
What exactly am I in-between again?
“It’s the first day of the rest of my life.” I recently I heard someone on TV say this about her wedding day, and it really bothered me. While I don’t want to discount the gift of marriage, I must say I’m a bit confused and frustrated with this sentiment. I’ve heard the cliché before, but I suddenly felt the weight of it. As if it equates marriage as the start of life, or at least the good part.
Don’t misunderstand my frustration; I think there is a beautiful element of starting a new family with your spouse. I’m all for godly marriage. But what I’m afraid of is viewing life through the lens of marriage as the goal. For waiting to get married before life starts.
I’m afraid, because I’m afraid it has happened to me. I’ve been living like I’m waiting for someone to get here. And it isn’t Jesus.
I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth. And this mentality has robbed my joy.
As much as I’d like to place all the blame on Christian culture, the perpetual “Have you met anyone yet?” question the world asks me, and the reality that my Facebook feed looks more like a Pinterest wedding board these days, I am convicted of my own failures.
I’ve been living like God owes me something. Like he hasn’t held up his end of the deal. He has given me the desire for relationship and marriage, and he just hasn’t followed through.
I’ve been living under the impression that I deserve a relationship.
I’d be lying if I said Christian culture does much to inhibit this mentality. There seems to be a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift of marriage, but not so much for the gift of singleness (if it’s treated like a gift at all). Rather, singleness is something to be cured. Like I’ve got a disease, and introducing me to your single friend might perhaps cure us both. Singleness is the lump of coal, the gift that is never on your Christmas list.
There are at least a handful of us standing around, wondering what happened. (After all, I have been pretty nice this year.)
But it’s never been about being entitled, or even about being nice. I have to stop thinking that I’m doing something wrong here.
Well actually I am, but it isn’t about fixing something that will magically make a boyfriend appear. It is about changing the direction of my heart.

 “I’d rather have the right God than the wrong man.” –- Christen Rapske

People talk all the time about pursuing people or things for the wrong reasons, but maybe we pursue God for the wrong reasons. Maybe subconsciously I’ve been treating God like he’s a vending machine. And my pursuit of him has really been a pursuit of someone else.
When did Christ cease to be enough?
And when did I stop finding my identity, self-worth, and fulfillment in Him, only to place my life on hold for someone I’ve never even met?
Each day is a gift, and I’m not waiting for it to get here. It is present in every moment, and it begins anew daily.  Man-less or not, I want to wake up every morning and be excited because I get to spend my day with the God who created the universe.
And I want to do that for the rest of my life.

I Count it All as Loss

“Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.”

Philippians 3:8

 

Lately God has been showing me what following him costs. You hear over and over again that “In this world you will have trouble” and that this Christian life isn’t easy; that it requires sacrifice. But what does that even mean? When I first heard that I though okay sure, things could get a little tough but God will help me so it’s no big deal. But today especially, God has just shown me that following Him costs EVERYTHING. Yes, everything. That means your pride, your plans, in some cases a relationship, and even our friends.

            Tonight there was a roller skating event and if you know anything about me, you know that I would’ve been there in a heartbeat. Except I had to work and I was not too thrilled about that. But get this, tonight as I sat at the desk, God showed up in one of the coolest ways. When I got there, one of my co-workers was just hanging around so we sat and talked for a while. Looking back I’m thankful for our conversation but at the time I was so frustrated. I just needed to get some homework done. What the heck? First my roller skating plans are ruined and now I can’t even do my homework? Can I do anything that I want? But as we talked and talked, my focused shifted from myself and ‘what do I need to do’ to how can I love her as Christ would? You see, it’s so easy to get wrapped up in that schedule game. It’s so easy to put our lives into constrictions and planners that when something doesn’t go “according to plan”, we just freak out. (as shown above) But what if our schedules didn’t matter? What if every day instead of opening up our planners and rushing to make that appointment at 9:15, we were open to God changing our plans?

            So as the night went on, our conversation grew. It was not only me and my co-worker anymore, but an international student from London came up and talked to us for close to 2 hours. She and my co-worker instantly connected because they’re both of Persian descent, so they spoke of their traditions and customs and I learned a ton! But then out of nowhere, she began to talk about her religious views. She described herself as Muslim but says that it’s more of a cultural label and that here in America she calls herself agnostic. She talked about how she gets weird looks when she tells that to people here in America and my co-worker chimed in and said that she gets weird looks all the time since she’s atheist. Those words pierced my heart but gave me a much needed wake up call. There are so many things and emotions that come to mind but all I can think about is how desperate that made me to share with her how much God loves her. When she said those words, everything just made sense. That’s why life is so difficult. That’s why you can’t seem to find satisfaction or answers. I have an answer!

            As I sat there listening to them talk, I just kept thinking “God, this is crazy.” I always talk about how I want to do missions but I’m not able to and here God was bringing a missions trip to me, right there at work! He placed someone from London right there in front of me. Sitting there in the midst of this incredible opportunity made me realize that while I would love to be overseas, I have to finish the work in front of me first. I have to be willing to give up my plans so that God’s plans can prevail. Because when we give up our plans, we might become an RA when we didn’t “plan” on it. And we might be working at the desk instead of roller blading with our friends like we “planned.” But we might be sharing something far more important with ears and hearts like God has planned.

Lord, I Need You

      Do you ever just worry about everything you can possibly imagine? Of course you do, who doesn’t? Well I was having one of those weird days today. One of those days where instead of looking at what’s right in front of me, I was trying to look so far into the future that it absolutely terrified me. I found myself just in this “funk.” What will happen to me when I’m older? With the way politics are going and policies are changing, how will I even survive in this world? How can I do all of the things that God calls me to do in a world in which God doesn’t even seem to matter? All of these questions just entered my head and once they were there, they sunk in and wouldn’t leave.

I think uncertainty, fear, and worry all hit us hardest when we are furthest from the truth.

The truth says:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7

 “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19

“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7

     When I look at what the creator of every single thing, every being and principality, every atom and molecule, has to say about my future, everything else grows strangely dim. But in order for that to happen I need to turn from the world and the worries it brings, and listen to what God says.

      I don’t have a solution to government policies and healthcare decisions, I don’t know what the retirement plan will look like when I’m 67, but I also don’t even know if I’ll live that long. To be completely honest, when we look at eternity and our own mortality, these “pressing issues” seem to not be so pressing. But when I look at my life right now and what I do know, I know that I am promised that God will fight for me. In this moment, I don’t know anything else except for the fact that I desperately need God to direct my life and remind me of His truth.

      So this is what God is reminding me of, “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-20

      These struggles are momentary. Everything that I know will pass away and fade, but God will remain. Today, as I wrestled with the idea of turning my eyes towards heaven, this song kept replaying in my mind over and over. It wasn’t until I stopped long enough to hear God’s voice that I realized what he was trying to tell me.

"Lord, I Need You"

Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

You're my one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

 

     The following passage sums up how I felt God communicated this truth to me today. Not by ripping everything out from underneath me and making me learn to trust him the hard way, but by gently whispering his promises.

       The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. 1 Kings 19:11-13

He is a friend of mine

        Today at church we listened to a song called “Whom Shall I Fear.”

Here’s part of the song so you know what I’m referring to:

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song
Though darkness fills the night
It cannot hide the light

 Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still

 Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side

So what’s the big deal? Why this song? Well today when I was singing it, the line that always struck me was, “The one who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine”…

This idea that I am able to call God, the Almighty One, the Creator of everything that I know, a friend of mine completely blew my mind.  Compared to Him I am nothing, yet I am able to call Him a friend. When I think of a friend I think of a close bond, someone who understands where I’m coming from, a person who you can count on. This image that comes to mind when I think of a friend is someone with a huge smile putting their arm around me. But now to think that God considers me that person to Him is absolutely crazy. But it just makes sense because God is all of those things: reliable, trustworthy, and constant.

But as great as the thought of Him being my friend is, I have to remind myself how and why this is possible. This friendship came at a price, the price of Jesus’ blood. This friendship cost a life and not just any life, but the life of His Son. Why would God do that? Why would he allow His son to die just so He could be friends with me? Because to Him, the idea of not having a relationship wasn’t an option.

After reflecting on the lyrics of that song and everything that it cost, God’s love for us becomes so real. Despite who we are, God wants to be a part of our lives. He doesn’t desire to know us distantly, but personally and completely. Our God who is infinitely greater meets sinners where they’re at so that we can call Him not only our Lord, but our friend.

Fall Semester

Lord, in this moment I have peace that I know could only come from you. This week has been difficult. It was the first week of new classes and I wasn't sure why I was sitting where I was. I was anxious and afraid for the semester. I doubted your faithfulness and refused to believe that you are sovereign.

All week I was wrestling with this idea: "Why this major, Lord?" I couldn't get past how difficult is al seemed, and by doing so, I just made things more stressful. But in your faithfulness you removed my worries and showed me your face.

Why am I in this major Lord?
Why visual disabilities?

Because You have purpose in it.
Because You will use this for Your glory.
Because you are faithful, "And he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6

Warning: This will disgust you

      It took vomit in a water fountain to make me realize how much Jesus loves me.

     I can’t say I ever thought I’d say that and I certainly didn’t imagine waking up to clean someone’s vomit on a Friday night. For all of you who are grossed out, that’s completely okay. It’s disgusting. But as much as I didn’t imagine doing this on my Friday night, I also didn’t ever picture myself saying a prayer of thanks to God for it.

     At around 3 o’clock I woke up to my phone ringing and a text message from one of my co-workers telling me about the incident. I asked if she needed help but she told me everything was under control. Before I knew it, I was up and out of bed walking to her floor of the building. I’m not sure why I didn’t just take her word for it and fall back asleep. I'm not sure what compelled me to action. But I am sure that I am extremely selfish most of the time, and 3 o'clock in the morning was no exception. Part of me still can’t believe it…  But there I was, running to the bathroom and grabbing handfuls of paper towels.

      Earlier this week, I was extremely discouraged and frustrated with certain things about my new job. I was tired of how rude the students were and how disrespectful they acted towards me. I felt angry because I felt entitled. I felt that I deserved all of their respect and they just weren’t giving me any. The smallest things would make me upset. One of their sly comments to me as they walked by or just being looked at the wrong way completely set me off. I realized how my lack of patience and grace was affecting me and as badly as I wanted to let God help, I just didn’t feel like asking him for any.

      Something about me was strangely peaceful tonight. Just yesterday a simple comment would make me enraged but this mess in the water fountain didn’t upset me at all. As gross as this is, the first thing that came to mind was “Thank God they did it here and not on the floor” instead of “I can’t believe they had the nerve to do this. I’m going to knock on every single door until someone decides to own up to this.”

      There is something surprisingly humbling about cleaning up vomit at 3am. Humbled… this is the word that kept going through my head the entire time. Not enraged, not furious, not disrespectful, just humbled. As I stood there literally cleaning up another humans mess, this crazy thought came to mind. This is what Jesus did for me. When in all of my self-righteousness I made this huge mess of sin and left my mess for someone else to take care of, He took full responsibility. He didn’t once think, “I don’t deserve this”, but instead when I was unable to clean up my own mess, He did it for me.

      My sin is so filthy. When people think of vomit they cringe, and for some it’s one of the filthiest things imaginable, but I was hit with the realization that my sin is still more revolting. My sin is absolutely disgusting but thankfully God doesn’t see it as just that. Because of what Jesus did for me, although I am defiled and unworthy, all God sees is righteousness.

      I still can’t completely wrap my mind around this concept. That God loves me SO much that even on my worst day I am deeply loved by him. I can’t understand how even when I am standing before him completely filthy that all he can see is the good about me. I can’t believe that God still pursues me even when I am unfaithful. But He does.

     The ways God chooses to reveal himself to us are strange. Tonight as I witnessed His grace through a pile of throw up in a water fountain I realized that God never ceases meets me where I’m at. That although I am stubborn, He still pursues me and wants what is best for me. Tonight I witnessed His mercy in a whole new way.  Tonight it took cleaning up vomit to realize how much he loves me and what Jesus paid for me.

 

Psalm 139:5-12

"You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

⁷ I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
⁸ If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave, you are there.
⁹ If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
¹¹ I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
¹²     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you."

 

So then it depends not on human will, but on God

             Something that’s been on my mind lately is this feeling that Christians are approaching the Gospel “wrong?” The whole premise of the Christian faith is love, but when observing my own actions and the actions of other Christians, love seems to be so absent. Instead, it has been replaced by greed, self-ambition, striving, and force.

Whenever we meet a new person that isn’t a believer, we quickly make it our “mission” to shove as much Christianity in their face as possible. Their salvation somehow becomes our responsibility. I’m not writing this to condemn or as an outsider looking in and nitpicking all of the things that I think Christians are doing wrong, but as a perpetrator myself. I’m writing it as someone who has come to the realization that I do all of these things myself.

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with this next thought but let me just try to make some sense. I think that sometimes we as Christians get overzealous. We want something so bad, that we end up forcing it too much and it puts un-needed pressure on a situation. Yes, I’m talking about sharing the Gospel. And if this doesn’t sit well with you that’s totally fine, because it’s just a humble opinion of mine.

Let me use a personal example to help you understand what I mean. When I meet a new friend, and they seem like a nice person, I oftentimes just assume they are a Christian. But upon hearing that they aren’t, this switch flips in my mind and I no longer see them as a child of God, but as a prize to be won over. My focus is no longer on the friendship for the sake of the friendship, but my mentality has switched to let me stay in this friendship for the sake of the “Gospel” aka the satisfaction of knowing I shared Jesus with this person that NEVER would’ve know about Him apart from me. (That last sentence was meant to be taken extremely sarcastically and as conceited as it sounds, that’s my mindset at times.) But, as you can probably already tell, there are so many things wrong with the previous example.

1.) God does NOT need me to save that person and I can guarantee you that God could reveal Himself to that person had they been friends with me or not.

             2.) Hearing that they aren’t a Christian shouldn’t be what changes the game. If I need to alter the way I act based on circumstances, then I need Jesus just as much as that person.

We are called to share the Gospel. Not force, push, or distort the beautiful message of the Gospel. When I hear the word share, I think of two kids sharing toys and the innocence that is associated with that. I don’t think of deception and condemnation or scare tactics. When I hear the word share, I think of a simple presentation done in love, and not a forced decision. Because when it comes down to it, we don’t decide or change anything. God, the author and finisher of our faith, is the one who changes hearts and lives. We are simply called to share His message in obedience and I think that’s the part we fail to remember.

The question that comes to mind after all of this is how can an imperfect person present the Gospel? Well, the Gospel is the greatest love story ever written so what better way to show it to others then with love.

 

¹⁴ What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! ¹⁵ For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” ¹⁶ So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. ¹⁷ For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.”

Romans 9:14-17

Peace Among the Chaos

*Before I start, just a warning, I'm feeling a lil bit cheesy right now. So if you choose to read this post, you have been warned.

     Now that I got the disclaimer out of the way... Let's see, where do I even begin. Well I guess I'll start by addressing the purpose writing this post in the first place. These past two days I have felt completely overwhelmed. When I say that I don't mean that I am doubting God, but rather that I am having to completely and totally rely on Him because my own strength just won't do it these days (which isn't a bad thing). But it's exhausting. When circumstances bring you to your knees and you find yourself in the midst of total surrender, it's never an easy thing. Its a constant minute-by-minute second-by-second decision to give these things up to God instead of trying to control them myself. But don't get me wrong, I never regret that decision to place my problems in the hands of my Almighty and totally capable God. In life there's a Plan A and Plan B, but the beauty of surrender is that it takes the Plan B out of the equation.

    Although being in a state of surrender is something that I know is absolutely essential for the Lord to work, it's difficult. Surrender is a battle term which has to do when an opposing army lays down their arms and gives up all rights to the conqueror, allowing them to take control from then on. Surrendering to God works the same way. In order to experience the fullness of the plans He has for our lives, we must surrender to Him by setting aside our own plans. Just like no army wants to be "conquered", nobody wants to lay down their defenses. It's in our nature to want to look out for ourselves and to do our own protecting. We live in a world that sends this message to "trust no one",  so to lay our arms at the feet of God sounds absolutely ludicrous. How can we be safe if we have nothing to protect ourselves with? The Bible tells us that "God is a refuge, a stronghold, a very present help in trouble." (Psalm 46:1) "In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me." (Psalm 120:1.)

    The past few days of "laying down my arms" have been some of the most difficult. I feel extremely vulnerable. But at this very moment, the verse that keeps coming to mind is Philippians 4:7. It says "And the peace that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." In the beginning of this post, I described how I was feeling overwhelming by my circumstances... now let me tell you how I am overwhelmed by Christ's peace.

    Lately I've been into painting so let me describe to you this cool image that I guess you could say in my mind goes with this verse. Here's an image that unfortunately many of us with be familiar with. Imagine the destruction in Oklahoma from the tornados of the past week. There's flattened houses, splintered wood, and shards of glass from chinaware... Now imagine a pre-K classroom with about 15 children. Some are crying, while others are running about, while still others are banging toys against tables. Now I want you to imagine any restaurant of your choice (preferably a very popular one.) Its loud inside. About 10 different conversations are taking place in your vicinity and on top of all that, the waiter just dropped a tray of plates, which causes the patrons to collectively yell, "Opa!" All of these images together create a symphony of chaos (it stresses me out just thinking of it.) But amid this collage of chaos is a person simply standing. Just standing. And here's where the verse comes in. All of these events are taking place around them, natural disasters, yelling, screaming, but in the midst of all of that, there is this unexplainable peace. This peace that, given the situations, shouldn't be there and makes absolutely no sense, but it's there and it's real. I wish I could do a better job of explaining it but that's just what it is. A peace that is so unexplainable that it could only be from God.

    So I could ramble on for a few more paragraphs, or I could just leave off with this. This peace is real and God offers it to you. It doesn't matter how far you've run or how damaged you think you might be. This might be the truest thing I've ever heard in my life: "God accepts you the way you are, but refuses to leave you that way." So don't just take my word for it, go see for yourself. Take it all to the feet of Jesus and exchange your efforts for His peace.

The Only Difference Between "Christians" and "non-Christians" is the Cross

Making Mud Pies

Lord, I am so unworthy.

     Just the other night I was talking about expectations. About how I have them and you exceed them time and time again. And it's funny to think how I'm so content with such small things. C.S. Lewis puts it in this way: “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” -C.S. Lewis

     I feel like I relate so well to that child making mud pies in the slum. I think that that's as good as it gets and I cannot even fathom a better life apart from it, because it's all that my human mind knows. But once God reveals to me the smallest taste of His goodness, I go mad! I just need to have more. It's like when you give a child a small sample of ice cream. They just keep asking for more. They’ve tasted this wonderful creation that we call ice cream, and they want more of where that came from!

     So where I'm going with this is that I was feeling pretty content the other night. I had experienced a great night with my roommate and I was very thankful that God had allowed that to happen. But there I was, just making my mud pies and not even realizing it. Yes, it was a phenomenal night and something to definitely praise God for, but it didn't mean I should only be okay with that. It didn’t mean that I had experienced all of the goodness that God had to offer.

     The reason that I am going to go into specific details about my day on Thursday is because I am just so amazed at how God perfectly orchestrates our lives in order to make His plans prevail. And that’s exactly what happened with my day on Thursday. God had rearranged my plans so that His could work together for my good.

     On Thursdays before Cru, I usually volunteer from 6-8 at Miracle Sports. But for a number of reasons, I decided it would be best not to go this week. Instead, my friend Jody called and asked if I would help with the Cru set up this week. I agreed and was excited to be of use. After I got out of my last class at 4:50, I grabbed something to eat really quick and received a call from Jody. “Christina, can I ask you for another huge favor?!” If you know Jody, there’s a sense of urgency in everything she does, so although she sounded somewhat stressed, I wasn’t too worried. “Can you print the chord chards for the worship this week?” I was passing by Stroz anyway on the way to setup, so I had no problem helping her out. I printed everything out and got to the auditorium at 5 to help finish set up. By the time all of that was done, it was about 6:30 and I headed back to my room to shower.

      I had also agreed to help greet that night (another reason why I had wanted to skip Miracle Sports) so the plan was to leave my room by 7:45 the latest so that way I’d be there in time to open the doors. Well… that didn’t happen. I left my room at 7:55 and the meeting starts at 8. To be honest, I’m usually much later than that, but since I had told someone I would help them with something, I felt bad being late and I began my “power walk” to Moore. About half way there, I ran into my roommate. She was coming back from a meeting and asked me where I was heading to. Not even thinking twice, I said “Cru, wanna come?” Without even pausing to think about it, she agreed and before I knew it, the two of us were both power walking to the Cru main meeting.

The whole way over there, I was playing it cool meanwhile my thoughts went something like this: Did that really just happen?! God are you serious?? No way. No way. This isn’t happening. No way.

     I was in complete shock.

     When we got there Ramey helped me greet everyone and I couldn’t contain my excitement when friends of mine came up to her and greeted her with big hugs. (Ramey hates to be touched). We picked a row somewhere in the middle and while we waited for it to start, I assured Ramey that if she was uncomfortable, she could leave whenever she wanted and that I wouldn’t be offended.  

 Then the meeting started. This was it, no turning back. God’s work would be done.

     The band began to play and the people began to worship. I stood and so did Ramey. I took the first song to thank God for Ramey and letting me live with her and be her friend. What used to feel like a forced living situation now felt like a blessing and something that I couldn’t thank God enough for. I thanked God for his perfect timing and for hearing my prayers. I thanked Him for His faithfulness and bringing Ramey to a Cru meeting, which is something that I had been asking for since last semester. The first song finished and the next song started playing.

     I began to sing the words to God. As I listened to the words, I felt like they matched the desires of my heart but I wondered if they were what was on Ramey’s heart too.

     I feel like prayer is so essential in order for God to work in our lives. It’s like the “okay” button if you will, the confirmation that lets him know that we are on board with Him changing our plans and invading our lives. But without prayer, without us talking to God and letting Him know that we are okay with His intervention, I believe that it severely limits His work in our lives. So when I was singing those words and allowing God to do all of those things in my life, allowing Him to draw me closer to Him and experience His love, I thought that I should do the same for Ramey. Putting aside all of my own desires to know God, it became about Ramey knowing God. I remember standing there next to her, and with everything just crying those words out to God. 

“Your love has ravished her heart and taken her over, taken her over.

And all I want is for her to be, with you forever, with you forever.

So pull her a little closer

Take her a little deeper
She wants to know your heart
She wants to know your heart
‘Cause your love is so much sweeter than anything she’s tasted
She wants to know your heart

Whoa, Whoa, how GREAT your love is for HER,

Whoa, Whoa, how great is your love”

     God, please reveal your love to Ramey! God please show her how much you love her!

      After how perfectly he had planned for her to come to Cru that night, there was no doubt that God was thinking about her.That God cares for her and is pursuing her. That God wants His daughter to come home and to be with him.

     The rest of the night was an emotional experience to say the least. Drew’s talk completely touched me and assured me that God has purpose in my suffering. That everything I’ve gone through and am going through is not unreachable for His understanding and is useable for His Kingdom’s glory. Not only was the meeting one of the best I have ever been to, but I left feeling overwhelmed by how God hears my prayers and loves me personally and completely.

     I am completely confident that God loves Ramey and that He is radically changing and invading her life. If He wasn’t, she wouldn’t have come that night. But there’s something in all of us that wants to know this almighty God… We were made for it. There’s no denying that when we are standing in the midst of a beautiful sunset, something just takes our breath away and in that moment, we realize that we are incredibly small. This deep longing is in all of us and is what makes us feel at times that we aren’t made for this world, because we’re not. We are made for a person and a place. That person is God ,our Father, and that home that we feel so homesick for while here on earth is heaven.

4/16/13

As my Sophomore year is quickly ending I can't help but look back and be anything less than amazed -amazed that my expectations were far exceeded and that His plans really are so much better than my own.

Throughout this year, God has really been teaching me a lot about "expectations." About how my expectations seem good to me when in reality I really have no idea what is good for my soul. I have this vision problem... You see, I'm only able to look at what is right in front of me instead of being able to look into eternity. I tend to come up with these elaborate plans thinking that I've got my needs all figured out when I'm really just feeding into this huge lie. But God is so gracious and He knows that I'm so prone to falling into this trap called sin. So in His mercy, he foils my plans time and time again to give me what I need -more of Him. And to be honest, a lot of the time it's painful to let go and surrender to Him. It's hard to say "God I really want the chocolate dipped strawberries but if you're saying I should eat broccoli right now, I'll eat the broccoli." Do you get what I'm saying? And this is exactly what I feel like God has been teaching me this year. Yes Christina, you're telling me you want this, but I'M telling you you need this.

At the end of last year, I planned where I would be living in the fall. (yes, there's the first of my mistakes. I planned.) I had talked it over with some friends and I decided that I would move into an off-campus apartment with them. The idea sounded great to me and these were the ways I believed God called me to it aka I justified it:
-I could have some great Christian community
-I would know my roommates
-I could build better relationships with some of the girls
-It would be fun (and God wanted me to have fun)
-It would be cheap
-I thought it was a good idea

And here was my list for staying on campus:
-

Exactly. There was no reason. Campus was dumb. But the more I pushed to move off campus, the more I realized that it wasn't working. God was making it impossible for me to have my way, so He got His and I was living on campus for the fall.

I finally found out my room assignment and I saw that I would be living with a girl named Ramey. I facebook stalked her and quickly realized that she was not the perfect roommate that I thought God would provide for me for my obedience. She's not the type of roommate I could picture myself having dinner dates with or riding down Tennessee Street with the top down singing Barbie Girl at the top of my lungs. I cried at the thought of next year.

I closed out the remainder of that year with a bitterness towards God and towards the friends who were excited to move off campus in the fall. I couldn't understand this arrangement that I had somehow gotten stuck with.

During that summer, I wouldn't say my attitude toward the situation changed, but my approach to it did. I knew that no matter what, I would be returning to school in the fall and I would be moving into my dorm and not an apartment. But I began to pray. I started to pray for Ramey and that something would come from what seemed to me like a hopeless situation. At first, it was whenever I would remember. Then it was daily. Just asking God to soften her heart and mine for our living situation.

***

The first few weeks were rough. I remember feeling very alone on campus and questioning why I was placed there. I didn't see any "results" from my prayer and Ramey was intimidating to say the least. I felt uncomfortable in my room and around my friends who were quickly becoming close to each other while I was being left out. The only word I can think of to describe what I was feeling at the time was abandoned. Abandoned by God and by my friends who were too caught up in the excitement of their new homes to notice how I was feeling. It was a long first semester, but God didn't give up on me. Slowly (very very slowly) but surely, Ramey and I started to break the ice and things were going better between us. She even attended a weekly Bible study I led once or twice. The friend situation eventually worked itself out and although I couldn't be over there with them, I met a group of freshman girls who were fun and helped me feel welcome on campus. But what was God's purpose in all of this?

Fast forward to April 16 of Spring semester. It's been a year since I initially wrestled with the idea of God "wrecking" my plans. It's a funny thing though... reading the beginning of this post you would think my life was over but a year later I can honestly tell you that God's plans are SO much greater. Every single time. A year ago if someone had told me everything that would've come had I just lived on campus I never would've believed it and it only makes it so much sweeter that I had no choice but to trust God blindly.

 So what if I told you that about a month or two ago I was faced with the same dilemma? Do I accept an RA job on campus for next year or live with my friends? After reading this, the answer would seem quite obvious. But to be completely honest, I had the same doubts. And my lists for both options looked the same as they had before. But this time around God revealed something to me that was on my off-campus list.
-Selfishness.

All of the reasons I had for wanting to live off-campus really just boiled down to my own desires and not wanting to trust God. Although making the decision the second time around was no easier than the first, God used this year to show me that no matter what my reasons are, His are better.

So what if I told you that tonight I just got back from going out to dinner with my roommate Ramey, driving down Tennessee with the windows down, singing Barbie girl?....

The Holy Heart

The Holy Heart

The Holy Heart was broken,

Sent from the Father’s side.

The Son of God forsaken,

the holy sacrifice.

Chorus:

For me He was forsaken, for me He died alone.

My sin forever taken, that I might be His own.

The Holy Heart was stricken,

Abandoned and alone.

He bore the world’s affliction;

He bore it as His own.

And when my heart is broken,

Torn by my sin and pride.

The Son of God now risen

Will draw me to His side.

~Barbour/Skidmore

 

 

Thank you Jesus for your love for me.

A limitless God!

Why do we limit God when He is capable of accomplishing more than we can ever think or imagine? This is a God who created the universe, everything we see, everything that is known and unknown to us in just 7 days! The God who is able to perfectly design the human body so that every organ serves a specific purpose and functions so perfectly in sync with the others that if you or I tried to do it ourselves, we would fail miserably. This is a God, who in a planet of over 7 billion people, did not create any two people exactly alike! Even identical twins have their own unique features! He took the time not only to create the big things about us, but also to design the intricate patterns on our retinas and the loops and swirls of our fingerprints... this is a God who has thought about YOU and cares deeply about you, a God who didn't just throw us all together like mass quantities of a product made in a factory, but carefully planned and thought about each one of us. It absolutely blows my mind that anyone could be capable of this, but when I think of who I am talking about, when I remind myself that this is GOD, I know that the things I am amazed by are only such a small glimpse of what such an awesome God is capable of.

Something that I've been tested with lately, though, is do I actually believe that this awesome and mighty God is able to meet my needs? After everything that I just said about him, I would hope so. How could the very God who created me not be able to supply me with everything I need? But time and time again, I doubt His promises and provision for my life.

The Bible says in Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus." Not only does this promise that my needs will be met, but it says according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus! The provider of my needs is God and God alone, and the creator of my needs is the best and only one that is able to satisfy them. When I read that Christ's riches are the ones that will satisfy me, I think of how Christ is eternal! I will be eternally satisfied if He is who I choose to be satisfied by. I will have eternal satisfaction in Christ. Not only will he just quench my needs for the time being, he will go above and beyond and supply my needs not with things of this world that will just satisfy temporarily or rot and rust, but with HIS glorious riches that can satisfy and will last for an eternity! How blessed I am to stand as a victor with my Lord who has conquered all things and who can supply all things!

When I doubt if God will provide for me, I need to look at the cross where God made the ultimate provision for my sins. If God would provide a means to redeem my sinful soul, how could He not provide all else? If God would put my penalty, the penalty of an unrighteous person on His own Son, how will He not also meet me for the small things? The answer to these questions is that He will and He has! We have been paid for by the blood of Christ and God has met us where we're at so that we can bask in the promise of an eternity with Him! When you're doubting God's goodness or provision, take comfort in Jesus Christ, God's ultimate provision to meet all of our needs.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Galatians 2:20

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Hebrews 12:2

Holocene

        We are always told that God is actively pursuing us. Every second. Every hour. Every moment of every day and into eternity. But what does our pursuit of God look like? For some, it's a few seconds of prayer here and there, for others it's flipping through a Bible or devotional, and for some, we have no idea how to even begin to pursue God.

         As I was listening to some music a few moments ago, this crazy idea of us pursuing God finally clicked for me. In the particular music video I was watching (bear with me on this one), this little boy sees a bird and scrambles to climb to the top of a mountain just so he can be a little bit closer to this bird, who is so much higher than him. The boy dropping everything and hastily climbing excited me because I could see how, in that moment, nothing but the bird mattered. It didn't matter that the bird was completely out of his reach and it didn't matter that the mountain he had to climb was extremely tall. His sole ambition was to be close to it.

        What if this is how we pursued God? When, just catching a glimpse of His glory, we couldn't help but drop everything to chase after Him! What if our Christian walk was not just a slow aimless walk or the dragging of our feet, but instead was defined by chasing and pursuing! What if our sole ambition was to be close to Him?

        This idea of us chasing after God excites me because He is definitely someone to be chased after. When you experience God, when you experience just a small amount of His glory, it should be enough to make you go into an all out sprint to experience more. After encountering our God, how could you still be complacent with the same slow-paced walk you've been doing your whole life? And if you are, the issue could be that you really don't fully understand his breath-taking, life-changing, majesty, or that your eyes are fixed on something else (something other than God) that doesn't make you feel like changing your pace.

         As I examine my heart after seeing this incredible example of pursuit, I think of how many "mountains" have stopped me from actively pursuing something so glorious. When we are faced with obstacles, it is not for discouragement, but so that we would rely on the Lord for His strength! The Bible makes it so clear that our own strength will constantly fail us, but that the strength of the Lord is forever.

"Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty" (Zechariah 4:6).

       I pray that we would be child-like in our pursuit of the Lord, not fearing the unknown but instead trusting, and I mean really trusting, the promises that we DO know.


Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TWcyIpul8OE

All I have is Christ

"I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way.
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave.
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will.
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still.

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross.
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life
Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me.
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose.
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You."

-All I have is Christ

         These lyrics have never proven more true in my life. The Lord knows my heart all too well and the fact that He had to seek me first because I would never seek His presence on my own completely humbles and shatters any confidence I have in myself. I openly rejected the power that saves me. Who am I to boast in myself or any of my own strength? I am so weak! But how incredible that the Lord provides me with the strength that I lack.

         Even as someone who calls themself a Christian, I rely entirely too much on the world and not on my Savior. I've noticed myself being consumed with worries and anxieties lately and when a friend asked me where they stemmed from, I paused and then replied, "I don't have enough faith." I knew that I was worried, but I had never even taken the time to realize why I felt that way. Once I finally admitted to my lack of faith and reliance of God, these fears of mine that I couldn't understand seemed to make a lot more sense to me. I've fallen into this trap of being satisfied with the world. But theres one huge problem here: the world does not and cannot ever satisfy people who weren't created for the world. We were made for eternity.

         As I reflected on the doubt in my life, I realized that the only things I doubted were things of this world: having enough money, good enough friends, a nice place to live, my grades, etc. But as I thought deeper, when I lifted my head long enough to focus on eternity, I realized none of this mattered. None of it. You see, when faced with the fact that God will provide everything we need and more for eternity with Him, it seems frivolous to worry about our temporary stay here on earth. This example seems kind of silly and might not be the best comparison, but it helps me gain some perspective on my situation. Imagine your mindset when you go out to get the mail. Do you put on the best outfit you own, or do your makeup and hair, or spend hours preparing for that short trip? I don't! I know that the mailbox is only a few feet from my house and I just go! How silly would it be for me to get myself so worked up for a trip that will last literally seconds! I like to relate this to our stay here on earth because how useless would it be to get so comfortable for a journey that lasts only moments in comparison to eternity. Really, our stay here on earth is so brief! James says, "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."(v 4:14)

       We are also told in Ecclesiastes 3:11 that, "He has put eternity into man's heart!" So let us rejoice in that!

        While we wait for eternity with Christ let us wait, not anxiously, but with a joyful endurance! Let us allow him to use our ransomed lives, bought and purchased with HIS blood, as He chooses... let us be joyful in the fact that any strength we have to run this race comes from Him and Him ALONE! And let us glorify Him continually by choosing faith over doubt and trusting that He WILL fulfill every single one of His promises.

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life