8/1/15

Thankful for the daily reminders!

"Jesus, my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord"

The past couple of days have been a sweet glimpse into how glorious it will be on that day when I’m finally free.

I feel like the veil has been lifted… a veil I’ve looked through for so long that I learned to accept it. It’s amazing what sin and darkness can do and it’s amazing how sneaky and believable lies are.

For several years, I have believed the lies that:

• I am unworthy of anything different
• I am alone
• I need to change
• I am unable to change
• This is my fault
• I just don’t have enough faith
• I am unlovable
• I don’t have purpose
• I need to fix myself
• That my righteousness depends on my performance

Today with a clear mind and spirit, I can so clearly recognize these lies. What has become my identity for so long is slowly being peeled back and I’m able to see how deeply rooted and damaging these lies really are.

When I look at these lies with a renewed mind, I can see them being shattered by this incredible truth:

“But God  shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

I am chosen. I am loved. I am a sinner, but Jesus is enough.

I am thankful that suffering means more of God. While I cannot even begin to comprehend the depth of God’s infinite wisdom, suffering has shown me the depths of his mercy. During this time, the Psalms have been a book where I have found much comfort. As David cries out to the lord, God assures him that his cries are heard. I am able to collapse at his feet in dependence, knowing that he is all sufficient and will hear my cries for mercy.

“Hear my prayer, Lord;
    let my cry for help come to you.
 Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.”

Psalm 102

“Lord, hear my prayer,
    listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
    come to my relief.”

Psalm 143:1

“You have kept count of my tossings;
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?”

Psalm 56:8

What a comfort it is knowing that my cries for mercy are nothing new to God and that he is familiar with comforting the suffering.  What a relief knowing that God not only hears these cries, but that these cries also came from the mouth of his own son, Jesus, as he suffered on our behalf. What a greater relief knowing that those cries led to hope and freedom.

I write this with tears in my eyes as I say I have seen God’s grace in my pain. It is extremely heavy and seems impossible on most days, but because of the cross I can truly rejoice in suffering. Rejoicing in suffering is not easy nor does it come naturally or even make sense. Suffering hurts and isn’t something I would choose for myself. But because God has measured my trials and sifted them through his holy hands, I know that while it hurts it is also good.

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:3-5

^“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

1 Peter 5:10

“And the Lord will guide you continually
    and satisfy your desire in scorched places
    and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
    like a spring of water,
    whose waters do not fail.”

Isaiah 58:11

Lord, I thank you for lifting the veil and reminding me to take heart. Thanks for being near and for times of restoration and refreshing. I pray that as I continue, I would remember that you are an ever-present help in trouble. Thank you for lifting my eyes long enough to be reminded of the joy set before me. Help me to stay grounded when the feelings fade and remind me where my help comes from. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

5/29/15

“We love because he first loved us”

God gives us the capacity to love people, and to love them well.

My definition of a day well spent is sharing my soul with others and getting a glimpse of theirs. It’s risky, it’s vulnerable, it’s time-consuming, it’s tiring, and it’s only possible because of the gospel. The lord gives us the only thing worthwhile to talk about through the death of his son. God is the author of creation and the reason for conversation.

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.” Psalm 28:7

What better song to sing than one that rises up to the writer of all songs? How unthinkable is it that a sound from unclean lips could reach the ears of a holy God, that a sinner would even have the capacity to mutter words of any significance to God most high? 

I am learning more what it means for the lord to be my reason for joy. Sometimes it seems like there’s not much to rejoice about. I can get stuck drawing upon uncertainties and worries as my source of life instead of drinking from the well that does not run dry. Life can be overwhelming, but so can the joy that contentment in the Lord brings.

One of my favorite lines from a song says “The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.” As I went through my day, watching it twist and turn and go in directions completely different than I intended, I was reminded that it’s okay, and even better, for my own goals and plans and ambitions to get lost for the sake of God’s glory. It’s better for my plans to be overridden by praise.

May 2nd

As I get ready to graduate in just a few hours, it’s breathtaking to look back over the past four years and see God’s provision, faithfulness, and plan for my redemption.

We always hear how he loves us, fights for us, protects us, delights in us, and has good plans for us; Walking through familiar buildings and hallways this week brings back fresh memories of all of the ways I have experienced all of these things in just four short years.

I remember walking into my first class ever at FSU not knowing anybody and being very worried that they would take attendance and pronounce my last name incorrectly… (Seriously, it was a real fear and they did). I remember sitting at a desk in this new environment and feeling like a stranger. Having gone to private school since pre-k, I had the comfort of being at the same school with my siblings and being known by all of the teachers. At Florida State, it felt like I wasn’t known by anyone.

I left the Williams building on that first day of school feeling defeated and sat on a bench outside. College was not as fun as everyone made it sound. A few days earlier, I had a fight with a trusted friend and it seemed like any sense of security I had was lost through hurtful words.

The first few weeks, I remember going out at night with high school friends. It seemed like the goal was to get as drunk as possible in order to enjoy the night, even if it meant not remembering much of it. I woke up one morning after a not-so-classy night and as I walked home to kellum in last night’s clothes and still feeling sick, I vividly remember thinking: “How am I supposed to do this every weekend for four more years? I don’t think I can do this…”

The first few weeks of college were less than ideal and filled with great despair. Looking back on those weeks, it’s easy to have an overwhelming feeling of shame or regret, but it is because of what God has done that I can remember these difficult weeks with great joy. I think this verse nicely sums up the great turning point:

“For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.”

2 Corinthians 1:8

As I walked around this new campus realizing that my “strength” just wasn’t cutting it, I cried out to God. I don’t remember the exact words, but I flung up some sort of angry and desperate prayer along the lines of: “God where are you? If you’re real you need to help me out or I won’t make it.”

I look back on those times now and see how utterly hopeless I was. I can remember taking many walks across campus alone and wondering what I did wrong to be feeling the way I was. I was hurt, lonely, confused, desperate, disappointed, and couldn’t imagine any way out—  I was angry that a loving God would allow so much hurt, but what I did not realize at the time was that God’s love was entirely woven into that pain. It was through that death that God chose to bring the means of my redemption; which pointed me towards an even more beautiful exchange.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:3

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:8-10

When I decided to follow Christ, I don’t think I really knew what it would cost and I certainly did not  realize it would involve suffering, but a kind of suffering I would be willing to endure for the sake of knowing Christ.

I am continually amazed at how God continues to meet me where I’m at, not when I had my act together, but when I kept running the other direction and refused to acknowledge him… seeing him stoop down to lift me out of the pit of destruction I was in and clean me off… and seeing a good shepherd carry home a lost sheep and place me on solid ground.

There is not a doubt in my mind that I worship a GOOD shepherd and that I am loved by a GOOD Father! A Father that knew that light and momentary pain was necessary and better than an eternity spent suffering; a Father that decided to break the legs of his sheep rather than let it continue to wander in darkness. Today I am reminded of a time of darkness, but reminded how because of grace I am able to see a more glorious reflection of my Savior because of it.

Praise the God who faithfully brought me to my graduation day!

"Comfort, comfort my people,

    says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins.

³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
    the way for the Lord^[a];
make straight in the desert
    a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
    every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
    the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
    And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
    and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
    Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    but the word of our God endures forever.”

⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
    go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
    lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
    say to the towns of Judah,
    “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
    and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young…"

Isaiah 40

My Blank Check

Lord I want to do so many things…

Lord, I want to be a counselor,

But if the counsel you would have me provide looks different…

Let it be so.

Lord, I want to be a speaker for the masses,

But if the script you gives me sounds different or even silent…

Let it be so.

Lord, I want to lead people into worship,

But if that song needs to rise out of my own sorrow…

Let it be so.

Lord, I want to be a living sacrifice,

But if that means counting the cost and being faithful unto death…

Let it be so.

Psalm 118

Psalm 118

“Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

This verse seems so simple and straightforward, but I think it’s one of the most difficult for me to truly understand. It reminds me to give thanks, remember that God is good, and that his love is unfailing. It reminds me that God has not made a mistake, does not need reprimanding, and has not allowed me to lose a battle. Instead, it breathes hope and allows for trust.

To me, this verse means trusting God in the middle of sorrow and believing that he is still worthy to be praised. It does not necessarily mean that my sorrow will be lifted, but I’m beginning to understand that it’s okay. I’m coming to a place where I feel defenseless but I find freedom knowing that my life is not my own.

God is reminding me that I have a lot to give thanks for, that he is my good Father, and that he has not forgotten me.  And God is teaching me how to quietly and beautifully bear my sorrow through his grace and power… Because my sorrow means that God will be near, and I desire his presence more than a life of contentment without his presence.

 “So what if sorrow shakes my faith,
And what if heartache still remains?
I'll trust you, my god I'll trust you.
'Cause You are faithful 

You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
Find you on my knees, my knees.

When my hope is gone,
When the fear is strong
When the pain is real,
When it's hard to heal
When my faith is shaken
And my heart is broken
And my joy is stolen,
God I know that...”

4/12/15

 “Some men came carrying a paralyzed man on a mat and tried to take him into the house to lay him before Jesus. When they could not find a way to do this because of the crowd, they went up on the roof and lowered him on his mat through the tiles into the middle of the crowd, right in front of Jesus.”  (Luke 5:18-19)

I feel like I can relate to this man. Sometimes I get to a place where I know that I need to encounter Jesus for healing but am unsure how to go about it. I realize I need Jesus, but I feel incapable of getting to him because of whatever “crowd” is in the way. Sometimes that crowd looks like my sin, apathy, lack of faith, or even just physical weakness and tiredness.

Lord, I know I need to eat but I cannot feed myself.

Lord, bring me to the water…  For I need to drink, but I cannot get there on my own.  

Let my faith bring me to the feet of Jesus.