4/16/13

As my Sophomore year is quickly ending I can't help but look back and be anything less than amazed -amazed that my expectations were far exceeded and that His plans really are so much better than my own.

Throughout this year, God has really been teaching me a lot about "expectations." About how my expectations seem good to me when in reality I really have no idea what is good for my soul. I have this vision problem... You see, I'm only able to look at what is right in front of me instead of being able to look into eternity. I tend to come up with these elaborate plans thinking that I've got my needs all figured out when I'm really just feeding into this huge lie. But God is so gracious and He knows that I'm so prone to falling into this trap called sin. So in His mercy, he foils my plans time and time again to give me what I need -more of Him. And to be honest, a lot of the time it's painful to let go and surrender to Him. It's hard to say "God I really want the chocolate dipped strawberries but if you're saying I should eat broccoli right now, I'll eat the broccoli." Do you get what I'm saying? And this is exactly what I feel like God has been teaching me this year. Yes Christina, you're telling me you want this, but I'M telling you you need this.

At the end of last year, I planned where I would be living in the fall. (yes, there's the first of my mistakes. I planned.) I had talked it over with some friends and I decided that I would move into an off-campus apartment with them. The idea sounded great to me and these were the ways I believed God called me to it aka I justified it:
-I could have some great Christian community
-I would know my roommates
-I could build better relationships with some of the girls
-It would be fun (and God wanted me to have fun)
-It would be cheap
-I thought it was a good idea

And here was my list for staying on campus:
-

Exactly. There was no reason. Campus was dumb. But the more I pushed to move off campus, the more I realized that it wasn't working. God was making it impossible for me to have my way, so He got His and I was living on campus for the fall.

I finally found out my room assignment and I saw that I would be living with a girl named Ramey. I facebook stalked her and quickly realized that she was not the perfect roommate that I thought God would provide for me for my obedience. She's not the type of roommate I could picture myself having dinner dates with or riding down Tennessee Street with the top down singing Barbie Girl at the top of my lungs. I cried at the thought of next year.

I closed out the remainder of that year with a bitterness towards God and towards the friends who were excited to move off campus in the fall. I couldn't understand this arrangement that I had somehow gotten stuck with.

During that summer, I wouldn't say my attitude toward the situation changed, but my approach to it did. I knew that no matter what, I would be returning to school in the fall and I would be moving into my dorm and not an apartment. But I began to pray. I started to pray for Ramey and that something would come from what seemed to me like a hopeless situation. At first, it was whenever I would remember. Then it was daily. Just asking God to soften her heart and mine for our living situation.

***

The first few weeks were rough. I remember feeling very alone on campus and questioning why I was placed there. I didn't see any "results" from my prayer and Ramey was intimidating to say the least. I felt uncomfortable in my room and around my friends who were quickly becoming close to each other while I was being left out. The only word I can think of to describe what I was feeling at the time was abandoned. Abandoned by God and by my friends who were too caught up in the excitement of their new homes to notice how I was feeling. It was a long first semester, but God didn't give up on me. Slowly (very very slowly) but surely, Ramey and I started to break the ice and things were going better between us. She even attended a weekly Bible study I led once or twice. The friend situation eventually worked itself out and although I couldn't be over there with them, I met a group of freshman girls who were fun and helped me feel welcome on campus. But what was God's purpose in all of this?

Fast forward to April 16 of Spring semester. It's been a year since I initially wrestled with the idea of God "wrecking" my plans. It's a funny thing though... reading the beginning of this post you would think my life was over but a year later I can honestly tell you that God's plans are SO much greater. Every single time. A year ago if someone had told me everything that would've come had I just lived on campus I never would've believed it and it only makes it so much sweeter that I had no choice but to trust God blindly.

 So what if I told you that about a month or two ago I was faced with the same dilemma? Do I accept an RA job on campus for next year or live with my friends? After reading this, the answer would seem quite obvious. But to be completely honest, I had the same doubts. And my lists for both options looked the same as they had before. But this time around God revealed something to me that was on my off-campus list.
-Selfishness.

All of the reasons I had for wanting to live off-campus really just boiled down to my own desires and not wanting to trust God. Although making the decision the second time around was no easier than the first, God used this year to show me that no matter what my reasons are, His are better.

So what if I told you that tonight I just got back from going out to dinner with my roommate Ramey, driving down Tennessee with the windows down, singing Barbie girl?....