12-19

      Knowing you don't know anything... the reason I picked that title is because this year I have truly come to the point where I've realized that I know nothing. After encountering God and all of his holiness, after having just the smallest taste of all of his power and knowledge and majesty, how could I even claim to know anything? Being before a God so big makes me realize how truly small I am. Every time I learn something new, whether its in church or at a Bible study and I think that I finally get it, that I finally understand God, I find myself quickly brought back to reality by my sin and by the sheer fact that God is God, and I am just human. In the words of my high school math teacher, you can't add apples and oranges, and its so true because how can we even try to compare our sinful selves with a holy God?? But thats the thing that completely blows my mind, that this righteous God would want to hang out with a sinner like me, that His thoughts about me, a sinner, are too numerous to even count! A love like that I will never even be able to begin to understand other than to look at the love his son had for us when he freely (asking for NOTHING in return) gave his life, so that we might gain life.

      So how does someone respond to this beautiful exchange... to Jesus taking the penalty I deserved and paying it all for me so that I can one day have eternal life, to him choosing to die for me even though I have rejected him more times than I can count! When I think of how I should react, I picture myself giving him eternal praise and gratitude but in reality how do I actually react? In my relations with others and just my attitude alone reflects that I act in way thinking that I deserve all of the praise. How often do I get frustrated when I do something and I don't receive credit for it, or how mad does it make me when I'm "underappreciated". These attitudes of mine reflect a state of my heart that is prideful and entitled.

      Its so easy to lose focus, or even to place our focus in a place where it doesn't belong (ourselves). God, I pray that you would become my focus again. This life doesn't and isn't supposed to make sense unless youre in the center of it. I lift up this sinful heart to you and ask that you would refine it not to worship myself, but instead worship you who is so worthy of praise! God, Im frustrated, frustrated that I'm corrupt and that my heart has this tendency to make things about myself when I so badly want them to be about you. Please strip me of this ego and pride and replace these things that are of me with things that are of you! I pray that my response to your sons sacrifice would be a response of humbleness and eagerness to serve, that I would respond in a way fit for the one who gave it ALL! God, you are so gracious to someone who is so undeserving and I pray that my love for you would grow in response to your great love for me!