12/9 Draft

To treat no person as if they are an interruption or an "inconvenience" to the schedule I have in mind. Time is not mine but belongs to the creator of time.

Making a response with gentleness

What a blessing it is to be "interrupted" for the sake of setting aside myself to introduce others to Him in whom I have found my hope.

Deny yourself... I feel like God is constantly having to reteach me that my life is not my own.

God, I am so far from these things. But I pray that my hearts anthem would be "not my will, but yours be done."

I just didn't know

I did not know at the time,

That signing up for college meant:
Committing finances, freedom, and “finding” faith
Choosing a sensible career
Developing in maturity
An increased awareness of my fears of growing up
Breaking free from bondage of self and slavery
Diving headfirst into a major I knew nothing about
And staying longer and differently than anticipated.

I did not know at the time,

That following Jesus meant:
Giving up my plans, my pride, and my preferences for sin
Learning to love sacrificially
Reckless Obedience
Being called to love the seemingly unlovable
That it would cost everything.

And all the while I could not see it, oh, I could not even perceive it.
Oh but Lord,
I would not trade this sweetness for any amount of knowledge, other than the knowledge that your love knows no bounds.

And I still don't know. 

11/24/14

Carefully scribbled thoughts went from heart, to pen, to paper
Each private sorrow finally acknowledged

Everyone knelt
Not beneath but beside her pain
And control was given back in the form of light
The decision to strike a match & overcome

Some hands were shaking, others sturdy
Some burned fast & all at once
Others took time.
But all of them were in their own way, very beautiful.

Let's call her... Pink

I thought she was “evil”, no good, and lacking in truth

But today my calloused heart was able to feel

Her pain

Was able to appreciate

Her story

Could relate to

Someone who seemed so different

A girl who I once looked at with only condemnation and judgment

Was now seen through a lens of grace

Lord give me clean hands and a pure heart

The Color Gray

The color gray

I was attracted to you

Who knew

That the darkest shade of gray, could be replaced by blue

Curtains long closed

Open up to sunlight

A weary traveler

Has victory in sight

And as I peel back layers of disguise

The long road ahead has become a sunrise

As night became day, I was fully aware

That being dressed in color was not a one time affair

While dark walls turn white

And heavy garments tear off

My body took flight

Carried by a hook to His cross

As sand has been sifted

And a soul shaken by fire

Burdens light and lifted

And my gaze became fixed  higher

An Honest Prayer

It's time.

I'm ready for the last of these walls to be broken down
And I'm ready to heal your way

... I'm ready to experience a love I have never known before
... A love created by and rooted in you

And God, I place my raw and fragile heart in your tender hands
Will you take care of it for me?
It is yours for eternity.

And I await the day when I am face to face with you
And you open your hands

When my eyes behold a heart that seems familiar,
but I only faintly recognize

For it will be restored and all the old will be passed away.
And the old bleeding heart I once knew, has been made new.

11/9/14

A shocking discovery has been made this morning. Not shocking because it’s hard to believe but shocking because of how present it is and how oblivious I’ve been to it.

Pride.

It’s funny how pride works. My pride almost kept me from reading that specific chapter in a book because I thought to myself, that’s the least of my worries. I don’t struggle with pride too much…

Unexpectedly, I realized that every other problem & stronghold I had been trying to overcome (unsuccessfully might I add) was deeply rooted in pride.

Unbelief- pride causes my beliefs to waver. If I am worshipping myself it makes it awfully hard to worship God.

Insecurity- I’m insecure because I look at myself too much. I’ve noticed that when my eyes are looking at the glory of God, I don’t have racing thoughts of insecurity. Instead, I’m so absorbed in his majesty that looking away to stare at myself is no longer appealing.

Pride steals my contentment because it causes me to believe that I deserve much more than I have been given. False! I don’t deserve crowns and riches, I don’t deserve a glorious inheritance, but God gives anyways. That’s like a criminal being dissatisfied because they believe they should be on the cover of a magazine or receive some sort of an award because they think they’re a good person.  Pride causes me to believe that by my own merit, I am deserving of what God gives. A more truthful look at things reminds me that “it is by grace you have been saved, through faith.  And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Satan tries to convince me that I am “well” and don’t need to call on the help of a doctor. The reality is that I’m desperately and ill and that by not calling on the Lord for help I am choosing to let a treatable illness (treatable by His strength only) progress so far that it becomes fatal. Pride kills us! It keeps us from asking for the help that will save us.

Because of my pride, I would rather die than admit that I need help. The only dying that should be taking place is death to myself, not death as a result of stubbornness.

Pride keeps me from worshiping the Lord and loving him with all my heart, mind, and soul.

Pride has convinced me that God’s plan for my life should parallel my own plans, and that if it doesn’t I don’t need to acknowledge it.

Although a fresh perspective on my sin can tempt me to despair, as I look to God and from myself I realize that I don’t stand condemned. His word reassures me that “where sin abounded, grace abounded more.” So as I acknowledge the sin that my deceitful heart has fostered for so long, I accept the grace freely given and ask for the Lord to make me well.