Grace not DISgrace

Instead of taking my usual ignore it and wait till it’s over approach, I’ve been trying to pinpoint why going home is so difficult for me. So far, 2 things have come to mind. I think being home is hard because I don’t feel known here. The other reason I’ve come across is that being home also brings back deep hurts for me. It’s not only the familiar landscapes that remind me of past hurt and disappointment, but the people here can really bring out the insecurity in me.

In Tallahassee and in Austin, I have been blessed with people who really take time to get to know me and take an interest in me. Here, it seems that I mostly keep to myself. I’ve realized that most of the people I had only known for a few months in Austin knew me better than my own family. I don’t say this to rouse pity, but instead to try to make sense of all of these different emotions that coming back here creates.

I know it seems petty, but images bring back powerful emotions along with the memories.

When a see a certain park, I think of a friendship that has ended and all of the questions I still have about why. When a drive a certain road, I think of driving while impaired, not caring who I would hurt. When I see a certain house, I think of a destructive friendship and the strain it put on my relationship with my own family.

When I drive my old route to school, I think of mornings of depression and dread. When I sit in my room, I think of many nights spent sobbing and searching for relief. When I ride my bike on a certain loop, I think about the desperation and trying anything to escape from the sadness.

These many ranges of emotions are stirred and can bring up so much regret and shame. So I’m trying something different. Instead of avoiding and blaming, I am clinging and trusting.

Instead of feeling the weight of shame for who I was, I am choosing to feel the weight of glory of who God is... A glorious God who, despite the pain, endured the cross for people who just couldn’t get it right. I am floored by God’s grace towards me, knowing that I, in no way, desired Christ and was actively seeking death; but he lifted me from that pit and gave me life through His Son. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t make sense why God would stoop down to meet a messy sinner where they’re at, tell them that they are loved, and make them a son or daughter…

This verse has been a great encouragement for me throughout the processing:

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrew 12:2-6

On another note, while I was writing this, I had youtube open in a separate tab. One of the recommended videos was “Marvelous Light” by Ellie Holcomb. I had never heard it until now, but I think it sums up quite well what I’ve been scrambling for words to say.

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I've done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
'Cause when you're hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that's not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There's no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

Lord, you truly are marvelous. Thank you for loving me when I was disinterested and cold. Your love is unlike any other love. I thank you endlessly for your free gift of saving grace. It is so unfathomable to me that you can radically change the heart of someone who was so indifferent towards you. Only through your grace!

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” Psalm 73:25