A Woman Caught

Not to compare my sister to a prostitute or myself to God, but here are some thoughts:

Tonight I was frustrated as I spent time with my sister. I have been anticipating her arrival home for weeks. She walked through the door and I stopped what I was doing to greet her. I saw her looking through the cabinets and asked if she was hungry. “Yes, I’m starving.” I stopped what I was doing again, ran upstairs to grab my keys, and left the house in my pajamas to drive her to get some food. When we got there, I sat and watched her eat. Then we got into the car to drive home. She called her boyfriend and talked to him the whole way home. I felt frustration building. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you respond…” I thought. I take the time to care for you and you just sit there and ignore me… use me as a dispenser to have your needs met and then ignore me once you’re satisfied.

I’m sure that’s not the way it seemed to her, but that’s how I saw it. That’s the way I saw it until, by the grace of God, I was given “eyes to see”. Christina… this is what you do to me, I felt him gently remind me.

He seeks her out, feeds her, cleans her, cares for her but without expecting anything in return. I think that’s the hardest part for me. I expect to receive something for it.

Loving people who don’t seem to love you back is extremely difficult. It reminds me of a faithful man loving a prostitute. Taking her home and cleaning her up, feeding her, clothing her only to not be loved in return. It looks a lot like loving someone who will just keep taking and never even consider reciprocating that love. It is exhausting. But I remember that we are not entitled to the results, we are called to love regardless.

But yet God does that consistently for us. He picks us up out of the pit that we’ve dug ourselves into, puts our feet upon a solid rock, clothes us, and feeds us. Only to see us run off again at the sight of the first idol that presents itself. Instead of faithfully loving him, we take his blessings and run to worship anything other than the giver of all good things.

That’s what I’ve been taught… you do something nice and you are rewarded in return. But that’s not the way God’s economy works. It’s not purchase and receive. Christ purchased us at an extremely high price all the while we actively opposed him… even spat on him, scourged him, and nailed him to a cross. All he received in that exchange was death.

God’s economy does not involve giving and receiving in return. If it did we would be pretty disappointed in what we got. If God did operate with the “Give and take” that the world does, that means we would get what we deserve.  And what we deserve isn’t praise or money or gifts. What we deserve is Death.

I imagine us proudly grinning and holding out our hands, expecting to look down and see crowns and finest jewels. As if God owed that to us... I also imagine us being extremely displeased when we look down to see something very different from those crowns.

If God operated the world did, grace and mercy would have no place. In the world that I know, grace is uncommon and mercy is unheard of. There is no such thing as getting what you deserve or not getting what you do deserve. We operate in a fair exchange economy and expect to get what we feel we deserve in return for what we have given. Why give people something and not expect something in return for our goods and services? They are ours after all…. except, they’re not. Everything we’ve ever seen or laid our hands on is actually not ours. Everything we thing we “own” is only temporary and borrowed from the Creator. Yes, our money buys us things in this world but the reality is that God created the world and everything in it. (So everything we think we possess has already been bought)

So why do I get so angry when I don’t get what I think I deserve? Well, it’s a heart issue. I think the problem stems from me thinking I deserve more than I actually do.

Knowing all of this, how can I respond? Well, my response can involve remembering these important truths:

1)      Everything is a gift

2)      No one can add or take away to what Christ has already done for me

3)      I am in constant need of God’s grace towards me and need to extend that grace to others

If the supply I’m using to bless others is all really God’s supply, then I have nothing to lose!

So what does this look like practically? For me, it looks like loving my sister well and not expecting anything in return. It’s hard and it’s so counterintuitive. It looks like gently waking her up and cooking her an omlette for breakfast, knowing that when she’s finished she will just expect something else.

But following God is funny thing. I still am not even close to figuring it out, but from what I do know God equips us to love people and meet them where they’re at. That can even look like God giving me patience and compassion towards my sister as I sit scratching her back as she talks on the phone with her boyfriend. Or patiently waiting for her to start a movie as she sits in my room and looks at snapchat for an hour. Or waking her up to make sure she doesn’t miss her hair appointment. Or driving her to get her hair cut and then buying her lunch. Or letting her have the good bike only to be left in the dust while riding a bike that’s gears don’t change. Or brushing her hair only to later find out that she has taken my graduation dress without asking and stained it. Yes, these are all small things but they bring out parts of my flesh that I thought weren’t there. It shows me just how badly I need God’s grace.

***

If I’m being honest, I am so tired of loving my sister. Every time we are together, I am so excited to spend time with her and treat her to things I know she enjoys. And each time I walk away frustrated at the lack of consideration and gratitude. I feel foolish knowing that I keep trying and it always ends up the same way. But perhaps God’s purpose in it all is not for me to walk away feeling appreciated. Maybe he desires for me to experience the same “sufferings” that he son experienced, but on a much smaller level…

I think of the verse “¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹ He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:10-14

The Son of God became flesh and came to live among people that he knew wouldn’t treat him as God. He loved relentlessly and took the time to get to know people who he knew would deny knowing him later. He continued walking to the cross even as the people he came to die for mocked him and turned their faces away.

It also reminds me of the words of a favorite hymn:

How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That he should give his only Son

To make a wretch his treasure.

Right now I am frustrated by losing a material good to my sister’s selfishness. But Christ lost his LIFE because of our selfishness. Lord, help me! I want to get even and be cold towards Katie. Would you give me the power to love freely and fully from your Spirit, without expecting anything in return? I need your presence and I am so helpless without it. Thank you for loving us so fiercely, even when you know we have nothing to offer you in return. When I am weak, lift my eyes to your cross and remind me of the joy of your salvation.

Grace not DISgrace

Instead of taking my usual ignore it and wait till it’s over approach, I’ve been trying to pinpoint why going home is so difficult for me. So far, 2 things have come to mind. I think being home is hard because I don’t feel known here. The other reason I’ve come across is that being home also brings back deep hurts for me. It’s not only the familiar landscapes that remind me of past hurt and disappointment, but the people here can really bring out the insecurity in me.

In Tallahassee and in Austin, I have been blessed with people who really take time to get to know me and take an interest in me. Here, it seems that I mostly keep to myself. I’ve realized that most of the people I had only known for a few months in Austin knew me better than my own family. I don’t say this to rouse pity, but instead to try to make sense of all of these different emotions that coming back here creates.

I know it seems petty, but images bring back powerful emotions along with the memories.

When a see a certain park, I think of a friendship that has ended and all of the questions I still have about why. When a drive a certain road, I think of driving while impaired, not caring who I would hurt. When I see a certain house, I think of a destructive friendship and the strain it put on my relationship with my own family.

When I drive my old route to school, I think of mornings of depression and dread. When I sit in my room, I think of many nights spent sobbing and searching for relief. When I ride my bike on a certain loop, I think about the desperation and trying anything to escape from the sadness.

These many ranges of emotions are stirred and can bring up so much regret and shame. So I’m trying something different. Instead of avoiding and blaming, I am clinging and trusting.

Instead of feeling the weight of shame for who I was, I am choosing to feel the weight of glory of who God is... A glorious God who, despite the pain, endured the cross for people who just couldn’t get it right. I am floored by God’s grace towards me, knowing that I, in no way, desired Christ and was actively seeking death; but he lifted me from that pit and gave me life through His Son. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t make sense why God would stoop down to meet a messy sinner where they’re at, tell them that they are loved, and make them a son or daughter…

This verse has been a great encouragement for me throughout the processing:

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrew 12:2-6

On another note, while I was writing this, I had youtube open in a separate tab. One of the recommended videos was “Marvelous Light” by Ellie Holcomb. I had never heard it until now, but I think it sums up quite well what I’ve been scrambling for words to say.

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I've done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
'Cause when you're hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that's not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There's no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

Lord, you truly are marvelous. Thank you for loving me when I was disinterested and cold. Your love is unlike any other love. I thank you endlessly for your free gift of saving grace. It is so unfathomable to me that you can radically change the heart of someone who was so indifferent towards you. Only through your grace!

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” Psalm 73:25

Austin 8/16/15

"He goes before me"

Today I woke up to my first day on my own in Austin. It’s a weird adjustment and it still hasn’t really registered that I am so far away from home. I went to a new church and was so refreshed by remembering the God I serve and how worthy of praise he is. There is something unbelievably comforting about being in a place that you aren’t familiar with but feeling safe because of who God is. It is a great comfort to my soul to know that home is literally where the heart is because God is home and he lives in us.

As I waited for the service to begin, I sat in a large high school gymnasium.  While I sat in one of many black folding chairs and waited for 11:15, this thought occurred to me. I was startled by the thought that I knew absolutely no one. As I scanned the large room, I became aware that out of hundreds of people in this building, I knew no one and was known by no one. Or so I thought.

As I began to worship and through singing reminded my soul of who God was, a more important thought occurred to me. “It’s not about people knowing who I am.”

It’s easy to get thrown off course by fear and uncertainty being in a new place by myself. But, this morning I was reminded that the position I’m in is okay. So what if I leave Austin and nobody remembers me. That’s not the point. My purpose is to point to God.  If it’s about HIS fame and his glory, then I exist not to promote myself, but to make much of him. Amen for that!

During the first worship song, I heard a loud mumbled voice. A few feet behind me, a young man in a wheelchair was worshiping at the top of his lungs. As we sang the words “I give all to you”, I could hear the sincerity and surrender in his voice. After the song stopped, I heard the young man breathing heavily and gasping to catch his breath. He held back nothing. I was moved, and I know the Lord was too, that a man who has to work harder to say a few words worshiped louder than everyone in that service. Now that is pouring out praise to the King.

 I cried tears of awe as I was reminded of how worthy God is of praise. I continued to sing but could not help but listen to the beautiful cries of a heart abandoned to the cross. I think that a deep insecurity keeps the majority of us (myself included) from worshipping God in full spirit and truth. I can often get caught up with wanting to praise him, but in a composed way. I don’t mind singing the songs, but I desire to seem externally put together. Although internally I am moved, I just want to fit in with all of the other people standing with hands at their sides and eyes fixed on each other instead of the cross. But today, I was wrecked by the display of worship that I witnessed. The God that I praise is worthy of so much more than I tend to give him.

“As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” Luke 7:38

Just like the woman who saw Jesus and fell at his feet in worship, I want to be so fixed on Jesus that I am free to worship with an unveiled face and heart. This morning was a beautiful reminder of intimate worship to a most worthy Savior.

Today I am thankful that I can take comfort in these things:

o   That He goes before me

o   He will never leave me nor forsake me

o   He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion

o   I am His

o   He anoints my head with oil

o   He knows my name

o   He is a good father

I haven’t been here long, but I have already seen evidences of God’s faithfulness. I praise God for the ways he has gone before me! Although I have no idea how he will work, I am confident in my God and His promises.

Lord, I feel your hands of grace resting upon me. I know that you are for me and that you are with me. In my time here, let my life point to you. I pray that as I go forward, I will not forget who you are and that I will keep my hope in you all day long. I am absolutely dependent on you, but I know that you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for the ways you have gone before me and the ways that I will see your faithfulness and provision in the months to come. You are worthy of the highest praise!

8/1/15

Thankful for the daily reminders!

"Jesus, my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord"

The past couple of days have been a sweet glimpse into how glorious it will be on that day when I’m finally free.

I feel like the veil has been lifted… a veil I’ve looked through for so long that I learned to accept it. It’s amazing what sin and darkness can do and it’s amazing how sneaky and believable lies are.

For several years, I have believed the lies that:

• I am unworthy of anything different
• I am alone
• I need to change
• I am unable to change
• This is my fault
• I just don’t have enough faith
• I am unlovable
• I don’t have purpose
• I need to fix myself
• That my righteousness depends on my performance

Today with a clear mind and spirit, I can so clearly recognize these lies. What has become my identity for so long is slowly being peeled back and I’m able to see how deeply rooted and damaging these lies really are.

When I look at these lies with a renewed mind, I can see them being shattered by this incredible truth:

“But God  shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

I am chosen. I am loved. I am a sinner, but Jesus is enough.

I am thankful that suffering means more of God. While I cannot even begin to comprehend the depth of God’s infinite wisdom, suffering has shown me the depths of his mercy. During this time, the Psalms have been a book where I have found much comfort. As David cries out to the lord, God assures him that his cries are heard. I am able to collapse at his feet in dependence, knowing that he is all sufficient and will hear my cries for mercy.

“Hear my prayer, Lord;
    let my cry for help come to you.
 Do not hide your face from me
    when I am in distress.
Turn your ear to me;
    when I call, answer me quickly.”

Psalm 102

“Lord, hear my prayer,
    listen to my cry for mercy;
in your faithfulness and righteousness
    come to my relief.”

Psalm 143:1

“You have kept count of my tossings;
    put my tears in your bottle.
    Are they not in your book?”

Psalm 56:8

What a comfort it is knowing that my cries for mercy are nothing new to God and that he is familiar with comforting the suffering.  What a relief knowing that God not only hears these cries, but that these cries also came from the mouth of his own son, Jesus, as he suffered on our behalf. What a greater relief knowing that those cries led to hope and freedom.

I write this with tears in my eyes as I say I have seen God’s grace in my pain. It is extremely heavy and seems impossible on most days, but because of the cross I can truly rejoice in suffering. Rejoicing in suffering is not easy nor does it come naturally or even make sense. Suffering hurts and isn’t something I would choose for myself. But because God has measured my trials and sifted them through his holy hands, I know that while it hurts it is also good.

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,  and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

Romans 5:3-5

^“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.”

1 Peter 5:10

“And the Lord will guide you continually
    and satisfy your desire in scorched places
    and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
    like a spring of water,
    whose waters do not fail.”

Isaiah 58:11

Lord, I thank you for lifting the veil and reminding me to take heart. Thanks for being near and for times of restoration and refreshing. I pray that as I continue, I would remember that you are an ever-present help in trouble. Thank you for lifting my eyes long enough to be reminded of the joy set before me. Help me to stay grounded when the feelings fade and remind me where my help comes from. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

5/29/15

“We love because he first loved us”

God gives us the capacity to love people, and to love them well.

My definition of a day well spent is sharing my soul with others and getting a glimpse of theirs. It’s risky, it’s vulnerable, it’s time-consuming, it’s tiring, and it’s only possible because of the gospel. The lord gives us the only thing worthwhile to talk about through the death of his son. God is the author of creation and the reason for conversation.

“The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.” Psalm 28:7

What better song to sing than one that rises up to the writer of all songs? How unthinkable is it that a sound from unclean lips could reach the ears of a holy God, that a sinner would even have the capacity to mutter words of any significance to God most high? 

I am learning more what it means for the lord to be my reason for joy. Sometimes it seems like there’s not much to rejoice about. I can get stuck drawing upon uncertainties and worries as my source of life instead of drinking from the well that does not run dry. Life can be overwhelming, but so can the joy that contentment in the Lord brings.

One of my favorite lines from a song says “The art of losing myself in bringing you praise.” As I went through my day, watching it twist and turn and go in directions completely different than I intended, I was reminded that it’s okay, and even better, for my own goals and plans and ambitions to get lost for the sake of God’s glory. It’s better for my plans to be overridden by praise.

May 2nd

As I get ready to graduate in just a few hours, it’s breathtaking to look back over the past four years and see God’s provision, faithfulness, and plan for my redemption.

We always hear how he loves us, fights for us, protects us, delights in us, and has good plans for us; Walking through familiar buildings and hallways this week brings back fresh memories of all of the ways I have experienced all of these things in just four short years.

I remember walking into my first class ever at FSU not knowing anybody and being very worried that they would take attendance and pronounce my last name incorrectly… (Seriously, it was a real fear and they did). I remember sitting at a desk in this new environment and feeling like a stranger. Having gone to private school since pre-k, I had the comfort of being at the same school with my siblings and being known by all of the teachers. At Florida State, it felt like I wasn’t known by anyone.

I left the Williams building on that first day of school feeling defeated and sat on a bench outside. College was not as fun as everyone made it sound. A few days earlier, I had a fight with a trusted friend and it seemed like any sense of security I had was lost through hurtful words.

The first few weeks, I remember going out at night with high school friends. It seemed like the goal was to get as drunk as possible in order to enjoy the night, even if it meant not remembering much of it. I woke up one morning after a not-so-classy night and as I walked home to kellum in last night’s clothes and still feeling sick, I vividly remember thinking: “How am I supposed to do this every weekend for four more years? I don’t think I can do this…”

The first few weeks of college were less than ideal and filled with great despair. Looking back on those weeks, it’s easy to have an overwhelming feeling of shame or regret, but it is because of what God has done that I can remember these difficult weeks with great joy. I think this verse nicely sums up the great turning point:

“For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.”

2 Corinthians 1:8

As I walked around this new campus realizing that my “strength” just wasn’t cutting it, I cried out to God. I don’t remember the exact words, but I flung up some sort of angry and desperate prayer along the lines of: “God where are you? If you’re real you need to help me out or I won’t make it.”

I look back on those times now and see how utterly hopeless I was. I can remember taking many walks across campus alone and wondering what I did wrong to be feeling the way I was. I was hurt, lonely, confused, desperate, disappointed, and couldn’t imagine any way out—  I was angry that a loving God would allow so much hurt, but what I did not realize at the time was that God’s love was entirely woven into that pain. It was through that death that God chose to bring the means of my redemption; which pointed me towards an even more beautiful exchange.

“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.”

Isaiah 53:3

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—  not by works, so that no one can boast.  For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”

Ephesians 2:8-10

When I decided to follow Christ, I don’t think I really knew what it would cost and I certainly did not  realize it would involve suffering, but a kind of suffering I would be willing to endure for the sake of knowing Christ.

I am continually amazed at how God continues to meet me where I’m at, not when I had my act together, but when I kept running the other direction and refused to acknowledge him… seeing him stoop down to lift me out of the pit of destruction I was in and clean me off… and seeing a good shepherd carry home a lost sheep and place me on solid ground.

There is not a doubt in my mind that I worship a GOOD shepherd and that I am loved by a GOOD Father! A Father that knew that light and momentary pain was necessary and better than an eternity spent suffering; a Father that decided to break the legs of his sheep rather than let it continue to wander in darkness. Today I am reminded of a time of darkness, but reminded how because of grace I am able to see a more glorious reflection of my Savior because of it.

Praise the God who faithfully brought me to my graduation day!

"Comfort, comfort my people,

    says your God.
² Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins.

³ A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
    the way for the Lord^[a];
make straight in the desert
    a highway for our God.^[b]
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
    every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
    the rugged places a plain.
⁵ And the glory of the Lord will be revealed,
    and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.”

⁶ A voice says, “Cry out.”
    And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
    and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
⁷ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    because the breath of the Lord blows on them.
    Surely the people are grass.
⁸ The grass withers and the flowers fall,
    but the word of our God endures forever.”

⁹ You who bring good news to Zion,
    go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,^[c]
    lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
    say to the towns of Judah,
    “Here is your God!”
¹⁰ See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power,
    and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
    and his recompense accompanies him.
¹¹ He tends his flock like a shepherd:
    He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
    he gently leads those that have young…"

Isaiah 40