A Woman Caught

Not to compare my sister to a prostitute or myself to God, but here are some thoughts:

Tonight I was frustrated as I spent time with my sister. I have been anticipating her arrival home for weeks. She walked through the door and I stopped what I was doing to greet her. I saw her looking through the cabinets and asked if she was hungry. “Yes, I’m starving.” I stopped what I was doing again, ran upstairs to grab my keys, and left the house in my pajamas to drive her to get some food. When we got there, I sat and watched her eat. Then we got into the car to drive home. She called her boyfriend and talked to him the whole way home. I felt frustration building. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you respond…” I thought. I take the time to care for you and you just sit there and ignore me… use me as a dispenser to have your needs met and then ignore me once you’re satisfied.

I’m sure that’s not the way it seemed to her, but that’s how I saw it. That’s the way I saw it until, by the grace of God, I was given “eyes to see”. Christina… this is what you do to me, I felt him gently remind me.

He seeks her out, feeds her, cleans her, cares for her but without expecting anything in return. I think that’s the hardest part for me. I expect to receive something for it.

Loving people who don’t seem to love you back is extremely difficult. It reminds me of a faithful man loving a prostitute. Taking her home and cleaning her up, feeding her, clothing her only to not be loved in return. It looks a lot like loving someone who will just keep taking and never even consider reciprocating that love. It is exhausting. But I remember that we are not entitled to the results, we are called to love regardless.

But yet God does that consistently for us. He picks us up out of the pit that we’ve dug ourselves into, puts our feet upon a solid rock, clothes us, and feeds us. Only to see us run off again at the sight of the first idol that presents itself. Instead of faithfully loving him, we take his blessings and run to worship anything other than the giver of all good things.

That’s what I’ve been taught… you do something nice and you are rewarded in return. But that’s not the way God’s economy works. It’s not purchase and receive. Christ purchased us at an extremely high price all the while we actively opposed him… even spat on him, scourged him, and nailed him to a cross. All he received in that exchange was death.

God’s economy does not involve giving and receiving in return. If it did we would be pretty disappointed in what we got. If God did operate with the “Give and take” that the world does, that means we would get what we deserve.  And what we deserve isn’t praise or money or gifts. What we deserve is Death.

I imagine us proudly grinning and holding out our hands, expecting to look down and see crowns and finest jewels. As if God owed that to us... I also imagine us being extremely displeased when we look down to see something very different from those crowns.

If God operated the world did, grace and mercy would have no place. In the world that I know, grace is uncommon and mercy is unheard of. There is no such thing as getting what you deserve or not getting what you do deserve. We operate in a fair exchange economy and expect to get what we feel we deserve in return for what we have given. Why give people something and not expect something in return for our goods and services? They are ours after all…. except, they’re not. Everything we’ve ever seen or laid our hands on is actually not ours. Everything we thing we “own” is only temporary and borrowed from the Creator. Yes, our money buys us things in this world but the reality is that God created the world and everything in it. (So everything we think we possess has already been bought)

So why do I get so angry when I don’t get what I think I deserve? Well, it’s a heart issue. I think the problem stems from me thinking I deserve more than I actually do.

Knowing all of this, how can I respond? Well, my response can involve remembering these important truths:

1)      Everything is a gift

2)      No one can add or take away to what Christ has already done for me

3)      I am in constant need of God’s grace towards me and need to extend that grace to others

If the supply I’m using to bless others is all really God’s supply, then I have nothing to lose!

So what does this look like practically? For me, it looks like loving my sister well and not expecting anything in return. It’s hard and it’s so counterintuitive. It looks like gently waking her up and cooking her an omlette for breakfast, knowing that when she’s finished she will just expect something else.

But following God is funny thing. I still am not even close to figuring it out, but from what I do know God equips us to love people and meet them where they’re at. That can even look like God giving me patience and compassion towards my sister as I sit scratching her back as she talks on the phone with her boyfriend. Or patiently waiting for her to start a movie as she sits in my room and looks at snapchat for an hour. Or waking her up to make sure she doesn’t miss her hair appointment. Or driving her to get her hair cut and then buying her lunch. Or letting her have the good bike only to be left in the dust while riding a bike that’s gears don’t change. Or brushing her hair only to later find out that she has taken my graduation dress without asking and stained it. Yes, these are all small things but they bring out parts of my flesh that I thought weren’t there. It shows me just how badly I need God’s grace.

***

If I’m being honest, I am so tired of loving my sister. Every time we are together, I am so excited to spend time with her and treat her to things I know she enjoys. And each time I walk away frustrated at the lack of consideration and gratitude. I feel foolish knowing that I keep trying and it always ends up the same way. But perhaps God’s purpose in it all is not for me to walk away feeling appreciated. Maybe he desires for me to experience the same “sufferings” that he son experienced, but on a much smaller level…

I think of the verse “¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹ He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:10-14

The Son of God became flesh and came to live among people that he knew wouldn’t treat him as God. He loved relentlessly and took the time to get to know people who he knew would deny knowing him later. He continued walking to the cross even as the people he came to die for mocked him and turned their faces away.

It also reminds me of the words of a favorite hymn:

How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That he should give his only Son

To make a wretch his treasure.

Right now I am frustrated by losing a material good to my sister’s selfishness. But Christ lost his LIFE because of our selfishness. Lord, help me! I want to get even and be cold towards Katie. Would you give me the power to love freely and fully from your Spirit, without expecting anything in return? I need your presence and I am so helpless without it. Thank you for loving us so fiercely, even when you know we have nothing to offer you in return. When I am weak, lift my eyes to your cross and remind me of the joy of your salvation.