In keeping with the theme of this blog...

These past semester has taught me a lot. I can now update software to a braillenote, and teach career skills, and talk to middle schoolers about social skills. I have learned more than I ever expected at Texas School from the Blind and from the people I've encountered in Austin. But despite all I have learned, I come back to the theme of "Knowing I know nothing."

I went to Texas feeling close to God and thinking I had a pretty good grasp on "faith". I endured long nights of feeling hopeless and despair, and I had great moments of victory. My heart is no doubt changed. If I'm being honest, the process felt a little something like this: feeling fine, starting to doubt, having my heart ripped out and remolded, patiently healing from God's surgery, and then feeling a new heartbeat of faith.

It is amazing to me how I can know so much but know so little about God at the same time. But please don't get me wrong, it is a great relief and comfort to "Know that I know nothing." I would so rather rely on God's all-encompassing wisdom than my incomplete human knowledge.

So I sit here, still fully owning up to and gladly admitting that I "Know I know nothing." But praise God that his grace and knowledge is sufficient for me.

Wendell Berry

The Parable of the Rich Fool

¹³ Someone in the crowd said to him, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.”

¹⁴ Jesus replied, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?”¹⁵ Then he said to them, “Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; life does not consist in an abundance of possessions.”

¹⁶ And he told them this parable: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded an abundant harvest. ¹⁷ He thought to himself, ‘What shall I do? I have no place to store my crops.’

¹⁸ “Then he said, ‘This is what I’ll do. I will tear down my barns and build bigger ones, and there I will store my surplus grain. ¹⁹ And I’ll say to myself, “You have plenty of grain laid up for many years. Take life easy; eat, drink and be merry.”’

²⁰ “But God said to him, ‘You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?’

²¹ “This is how it will be with whoever stores up things for themselves but is not rich toward God.”

Wendell Berry comments on this passage in Luke by stating: "The offense seems to be that he (the rich young man) has stored up too much and in the process has belittled the future, for he had reduced it to the size of his own hopes and expectations. He is prepared for a future in which he will be prosperous, not for one in which he will be dead.”

I read this and think, of course I agree with Wendell Berry! Upon further examination of my heart and intention, however, I realize that I still have much to learn about trusting the Lord.

Some questions that I have been reflecting on are:

1)    What do my actions reveal about the state of my heart as it relates to this passage?

2)    In what ways do I attempt to store up possessions to be comfortable for the future?

3)    What are my expectations for the future? How do those agree/not agree with God’s expectations for my life?

4)    What kind of future am I preparing for?

These are my thoughts after only briefly processing the fourth question: I want to be preparing for a future in heaven. And if heaven has everything I could ever need, why do I continue to try to pack for a place in which I cannot take my luggage? I want to live a life with “just enough”… meaning, I want to live generously and simply. I want to let my possessions bless others and not hold onto them so tightly knowing that they will really only be useful in this life. I cannot bring them to my next destination, so why not use them really well here? 

12/23/15 God's Love Letters

Why do we only find this romantic when a physical man does this for us? 

This morning as I was taking a walk, soft petals scattered across the pavement caught my eye. I was filled with joy at the sight! God did this for me! He delights in me! He thinks I am lovely! He is romancing me! 

A Woman Caught

Not to compare my sister to a prostitute or myself to God, but here are some thoughts:

Tonight I was frustrated as I spent time with my sister. I have been anticipating her arrival home for weeks. She walked through the door and I stopped what I was doing to greet her. I saw her looking through the cabinets and asked if she was hungry. “Yes, I’m starving.” I stopped what I was doing again, ran upstairs to grab my keys, and left the house in my pajamas to drive her to get some food. When we got there, I sat and watched her eat. Then we got into the car to drive home. She called her boyfriend and talked to him the whole way home. I felt frustration building. “After all I’ve done for you, this is how you respond…” I thought. I take the time to care for you and you just sit there and ignore me… use me as a dispenser to have your needs met and then ignore me once you’re satisfied.

I’m sure that’s not the way it seemed to her, but that’s how I saw it. That’s the way I saw it until, by the grace of God, I was given “eyes to see”. Christina… this is what you do to me, I felt him gently remind me.

He seeks her out, feeds her, cleans her, cares for her but without expecting anything in return. I think that’s the hardest part for me. I expect to receive something for it.

Loving people who don’t seem to love you back is extremely difficult. It reminds me of a faithful man loving a prostitute. Taking her home and cleaning her up, feeding her, clothing her only to not be loved in return. It looks a lot like loving someone who will just keep taking and never even consider reciprocating that love. It is exhausting. But I remember that we are not entitled to the results, we are called to love regardless.

But yet God does that consistently for us. He picks us up out of the pit that we’ve dug ourselves into, puts our feet upon a solid rock, clothes us, and feeds us. Only to see us run off again at the sight of the first idol that presents itself. Instead of faithfully loving him, we take his blessings and run to worship anything other than the giver of all good things.

That’s what I’ve been taught… you do something nice and you are rewarded in return. But that’s not the way God’s economy works. It’s not purchase and receive. Christ purchased us at an extremely high price all the while we actively opposed him… even spat on him, scourged him, and nailed him to a cross. All he received in that exchange was death.

God’s economy does not involve giving and receiving in return. If it did we would be pretty disappointed in what we got. If God did operate with the “Give and take” that the world does, that means we would get what we deserve.  And what we deserve isn’t praise or money or gifts. What we deserve is Death.

I imagine us proudly grinning and holding out our hands, expecting to look down and see crowns and finest jewels. As if God owed that to us... I also imagine us being extremely displeased when we look down to see something very different from those crowns.

If God operated the world did, grace and mercy would have no place. In the world that I know, grace is uncommon and mercy is unheard of. There is no such thing as getting what you deserve or not getting what you do deserve. We operate in a fair exchange economy and expect to get what we feel we deserve in return for what we have given. Why give people something and not expect something in return for our goods and services? They are ours after all…. except, they’re not. Everything we’ve ever seen or laid our hands on is actually not ours. Everything we thing we “own” is only temporary and borrowed from the Creator. Yes, our money buys us things in this world but the reality is that God created the world and everything in it. (So everything we think we possess has already been bought)

So why do I get so angry when I don’t get what I think I deserve? Well, it’s a heart issue. I think the problem stems from me thinking I deserve more than I actually do.

Knowing all of this, how can I respond? Well, my response can involve remembering these important truths:

1)      Everything is a gift

2)      No one can add or take away to what Christ has already done for me

3)      I am in constant need of God’s grace towards me and need to extend that grace to others

If the supply I’m using to bless others is all really God’s supply, then I have nothing to lose!

So what does this look like practically? For me, it looks like loving my sister well and not expecting anything in return. It’s hard and it’s so counterintuitive. It looks like gently waking her up and cooking her an omlette for breakfast, knowing that when she’s finished she will just expect something else.

But following God is funny thing. I still am not even close to figuring it out, but from what I do know God equips us to love people and meet them where they’re at. That can even look like God giving me patience and compassion towards my sister as I sit scratching her back as she talks on the phone with her boyfriend. Or patiently waiting for her to start a movie as she sits in my room and looks at snapchat for an hour. Or waking her up to make sure she doesn’t miss her hair appointment. Or driving her to get her hair cut and then buying her lunch. Or letting her have the good bike only to be left in the dust while riding a bike that’s gears don’t change. Or brushing her hair only to later find out that she has taken my graduation dress without asking and stained it. Yes, these are all small things but they bring out parts of my flesh that I thought weren’t there. It shows me just how badly I need God’s grace.

***

If I’m being honest, I am so tired of loving my sister. Every time we are together, I am so excited to spend time with her and treat her to things I know she enjoys. And each time I walk away frustrated at the lack of consideration and gratitude. I feel foolish knowing that I keep trying and it always ends up the same way. But perhaps God’s purpose in it all is not for me to walk away feeling appreciated. Maybe he desires for me to experience the same “sufferings” that he son experienced, but on a much smaller level…

I think of the verse “¹⁰ He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. ¹¹ He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. ¹² Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— ¹³ children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.” John 1:10-14

The Son of God became flesh and came to live among people that he knew wouldn’t treat him as God. He loved relentlessly and took the time to get to know people who he knew would deny knowing him later. He continued walking to the cross even as the people he came to die for mocked him and turned their faces away.

It also reminds me of the words of a favorite hymn:

How deep the Father’s love for us

How vast beyond all measure

That he should give his only Son

To make a wretch his treasure.

Right now I am frustrated by losing a material good to my sister’s selfishness. But Christ lost his LIFE because of our selfishness. Lord, help me! I want to get even and be cold towards Katie. Would you give me the power to love freely and fully from your Spirit, without expecting anything in return? I need your presence and I am so helpless without it. Thank you for loving us so fiercely, even when you know we have nothing to offer you in return. When I am weak, lift my eyes to your cross and remind me of the joy of your salvation.

Grace not DISgrace

Instead of taking my usual ignore it and wait till it’s over approach, I’ve been trying to pinpoint why going home is so difficult for me. So far, 2 things have come to mind. I think being home is hard because I don’t feel known here. The other reason I’ve come across is that being home also brings back deep hurts for me. It’s not only the familiar landscapes that remind me of past hurt and disappointment, but the people here can really bring out the insecurity in me.

In Tallahassee and in Austin, I have been blessed with people who really take time to get to know me and take an interest in me. Here, it seems that I mostly keep to myself. I’ve realized that most of the people I had only known for a few months in Austin knew me better than my own family. I don’t say this to rouse pity, but instead to try to make sense of all of these different emotions that coming back here creates.

I know it seems petty, but images bring back powerful emotions along with the memories.

When a see a certain park, I think of a friendship that has ended and all of the questions I still have about why. When a drive a certain road, I think of driving while impaired, not caring who I would hurt. When I see a certain house, I think of a destructive friendship and the strain it put on my relationship with my own family.

When I drive my old route to school, I think of mornings of depression and dread. When I sit in my room, I think of many nights spent sobbing and searching for relief. When I ride my bike on a certain loop, I think about the desperation and trying anything to escape from the sadness.

These many ranges of emotions are stirred and can bring up so much regret and shame. So I’m trying something different. Instead of avoiding and blaming, I am clinging and trusting.

Instead of feeling the weight of shame for who I was, I am choosing to feel the weight of glory of who God is... A glorious God who, despite the pain, endured the cross for people who just couldn’t get it right. I am floored by God’s grace towards me, knowing that I, in no way, desired Christ and was actively seeking death; but he lifted me from that pit and gave me life through His Son. It just doesn’t make sense to me. It doesn’t make sense why God would stoop down to meet a messy sinner where they’re at, tell them that they are loved, and make them a son or daughter…

This verse has been a great encouragement for me throughout the processing:

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”  Hebrew 12:2-6

On another note, while I was writing this, I had youtube open in a separate tab. One of the recommended videos was “Marvelous Light” by Ellie Holcomb. I had never heard it until now, but I think it sums up quite well what I’ve been scrambling for words to say.

I am not who I once was
Defined by all the things I've done
Afraid my shame would be exposed
Afraid of really being known
But then you gave my heart a home

So I walked out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

With years of keeping secrets safe
Wondering if I could change
'Cause when you're hiding all alone
Your heart can turn into a stone
And that's not the way I want to go

So I walk out of the darkness and into the light
From fear of shame into the hope of life
Mercy called my name and made a way to fly
Out of the darkness and into the light

There's no place I would rather be
Your light is Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

You have come to set us free
You are Marvelous
Your light is Marvelous

Lord, you truly are marvelous. Thank you for loving me when I was disinterested and cold. Your love is unlike any other love. I thank you endlessly for your free gift of saving grace. It is so unfathomable to me that you can radically change the heart of someone who was so indifferent towards you. Only through your grace!

“Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.” Psalm 73:25

Austin 8/16/15

"He goes before me"

Today I woke up to my first day on my own in Austin. It’s a weird adjustment and it still hasn’t really registered that I am so far away from home. I went to a new church and was so refreshed by remembering the God I serve and how worthy of praise he is. There is something unbelievably comforting about being in a place that you aren’t familiar with but feeling safe because of who God is. It is a great comfort to my soul to know that home is literally where the heart is because God is home and he lives in us.

As I waited for the service to begin, I sat in a large high school gymnasium.  While I sat in one of many black folding chairs and waited for 11:15, this thought occurred to me. I was startled by the thought that I knew absolutely no one. As I scanned the large room, I became aware that out of hundreds of people in this building, I knew no one and was known by no one. Or so I thought.

As I began to worship and through singing reminded my soul of who God was, a more important thought occurred to me. “It’s not about people knowing who I am.”

It’s easy to get thrown off course by fear and uncertainty being in a new place by myself. But, this morning I was reminded that the position I’m in is okay. So what if I leave Austin and nobody remembers me. That’s not the point. My purpose is to point to God.  If it’s about HIS fame and his glory, then I exist not to promote myself, but to make much of him. Amen for that!

During the first worship song, I heard a loud mumbled voice. A few feet behind me, a young man in a wheelchair was worshiping at the top of his lungs. As we sang the words “I give all to you”, I could hear the sincerity and surrender in his voice. After the song stopped, I heard the young man breathing heavily and gasping to catch his breath. He held back nothing. I was moved, and I know the Lord was too, that a man who has to work harder to say a few words worshiped louder than everyone in that service. Now that is pouring out praise to the King.

 I cried tears of awe as I was reminded of how worthy God is of praise. I continued to sing but could not help but listen to the beautiful cries of a heart abandoned to the cross. I think that a deep insecurity keeps the majority of us (myself included) from worshipping God in full spirit and truth. I can often get caught up with wanting to praise him, but in a composed way. I don’t mind singing the songs, but I desire to seem externally put together. Although internally I am moved, I just want to fit in with all of the other people standing with hands at their sides and eyes fixed on each other instead of the cross. But today, I was wrecked by the display of worship that I witnessed. The God that I praise is worthy of so much more than I tend to give him.

“As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.” Luke 7:38

Just like the woman who saw Jesus and fell at his feet in worship, I want to be so fixed on Jesus that I am free to worship with an unveiled face and heart. This morning was a beautiful reminder of intimate worship to a most worthy Savior.

Today I am thankful that I can take comfort in these things:

o   That He goes before me

o   He will never leave me nor forsake me

o   He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion

o   I am His

o   He anoints my head with oil

o   He knows my name

o   He is a good father

I haven’t been here long, but I have already seen evidences of God’s faithfulness. I praise God for the ways he has gone before me! Although I have no idea how he will work, I am confident in my God and His promises.

Lord, I feel your hands of grace resting upon me. I know that you are for me and that you are with me. In my time here, let my life point to you. I pray that as I go forward, I will not forget who you are and that I will keep my hope in you all day long. I am absolutely dependent on you, but I know that you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for the ways you have gone before me and the ways that I will see your faithfulness and provision in the months to come. You are worthy of the highest praise!

8/1/15

Thankful for the daily reminders!

"Jesus, my Captain, my soul's trusted Lord"