11/9/14

A shocking discovery has been made this morning. Not shocking because it’s hard to believe but shocking because of how present it is and how oblivious I’ve been to it.

Pride.

It’s funny how pride works. My pride almost kept me from reading that specific chapter in a book because I thought to myself, that’s the least of my worries. I don’t struggle with pride too much…

Unexpectedly, I realized that every other problem & stronghold I had been trying to overcome (unsuccessfully might I add) was deeply rooted in pride.

Unbelief- pride causes my beliefs to waver. If I am worshipping myself it makes it awfully hard to worship God.

Insecurity- I’m insecure because I look at myself too much. I’ve noticed that when my eyes are looking at the glory of God, I don’t have racing thoughts of insecurity. Instead, I’m so absorbed in his majesty that looking away to stare at myself is no longer appealing.

Pride steals my contentment because it causes me to believe that I deserve much more than I have been given. False! I don’t deserve crowns and riches, I don’t deserve a glorious inheritance, but God gives anyways. That’s like a criminal being dissatisfied because they believe they should be on the cover of a magazine or receive some sort of an award because they think they’re a good person.  Pride causes me to believe that by my own merit, I am deserving of what God gives. A more truthful look at things reminds me that “it is by grace you have been saved, through faith.  And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God not by works, so that no one can boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9

Satan tries to convince me that I am “well” and don’t need to call on the help of a doctor. The reality is that I’m desperately and ill and that by not calling on the Lord for help I am choosing to let a treatable illness (treatable by His strength only) progress so far that it becomes fatal. Pride kills us! It keeps us from asking for the help that will save us.

Because of my pride, I would rather die than admit that I need help. The only dying that should be taking place is death to myself, not death as a result of stubbornness.

Pride keeps me from worshiping the Lord and loving him with all my heart, mind, and soul.

Pride has convinced me that God’s plan for my life should parallel my own plans, and that if it doesn’t I don’t need to acknowledge it.

Although a fresh perspective on my sin can tempt me to despair, as I look to God and from myself I realize that I don’t stand condemned. His word reassures me that “where sin abounded, grace abounded more.” So as I acknowledge the sin that my deceitful heart has fostered for so long, I accept the grace freely given and ask for the Lord to make me well. 

A Coffee Date

This morning I had a coffee date with my dad. It was so nice to spend time with him… I mean I’ve called him here and there and we’ve kept in touch, but there’s nothing like catching up free of distractions.

I told him about what has been going on with school and life, and shared my most pressing worries. He responded with words of comfort and truth. He gently reminded me of all of the truths I know so well, but seemed to have forgotten somewhere in the everyday rush. As I read his words, they felt fresh and hit my heart in such a savory way.

As I sat there, just taking in his presence, I wished the time didn’t have to end. But I had classes to get to, jobs to do, and people to love! I felt better about most of the worries I had been carrying around all week, but still was unsure about the day before me. He reassured me that things would be okay, and I believed him, because he has never lied to me before.

I left with the comforting words he spoke:

 “If you need anything, just call me.”

As I pedaled towards campus, I felt new. There’s a confidence that comes from spending time with Him and it permeates my whole being. It’s a confidence I could never produce on my own…. A confidence only a Father’s love can give.  

***

Today I felt beautiful. Not because I did my hair, or put on makeup, or wore the fanciest outfit… I felt beautiful because God told me I was.

I am a woman of God

Redeemed by Jesus Christ

Loved, pursued, and chosen

Equipped with words of life

Clothed in strength and dignity

Commissioned here and now

Gifted by the spirit

Forgiven and unbound

Blessed is she who believed.

In my opinion, it’s hard to feel anything less than beautiful after hearing that statement. I am a daughter of the king. And a daughter of the king, is a daughter of the king! It doesn’t matter what she wears or how she looks …because her worth is found in an unshakable God.

10/14/14

I trust in You for every heartbeat
As long as I'm alive
Your love endures when I wake
And when I close my eyes

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

I won't demand to know the reasons
For my suffering
These open hands will trust Your wisdom
Beyond what I see

Help me to know You are God, I am not
Remind my soul You're in control

Praise to the Father
With every breath I take
In joy and sorrow
All for Your kingdom's sake
Be Thou my vision
Be Thou my hope restored
Now and forever
You are my great reward

Lord, I’ve been feeling so hopeless. It seems like there’s no goal or hope in sight and it is so easy to lose heart. Help me to know and trust that you are enough. Remind my soul to delight in you alone.

I think back to the other week and many times now when I have prayed for hope. It seems like I keep asking but feel no different. But I don’t think God’s desire for me is to wake up the next morning and just feel hopeful. I think he puts me in circumstances where I get the chance to choose hope, to choose to follow Jesus’ example and keep walking although all I’m seeing is what seems like my own death.

 You see, I’m not actually looking for hope. Hope has been here. I am learning how to choose and abide in hope. I keep falling into the temptation to think that hope is a feeling or the light at the end of a long tunnel, but it seems that hope looks more like a suffering Savior taking up his cross in obedience, making a way to the ultimate hope.

“Therefore we do not lose heart.” 2 Corinthians 4:16

Charles Spurgeon said: “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”  ...And hope gives me the confidence that one day this will be my soul's refrain.

God's Wisdom Revealed by the Spirit

“I was made for God’s glory. The reason I am on the planet is to bear the image of my Father. The Christian life isn’t an answer for blessings; it’s an answer for transformation.

… And I can rest myself in the hand of the great potter so he can make me with his creativity the masterpiece I was designed to be.” –Dan Mohler, Becoming Love

I want so badly to look at people and see them the way God designed them to be. I want to look at people through the lens of grace and love, throwing away my judgmental flesh in order to put on truth. This is the battle of my heart these days and my goodness it is such a challenge.

God, I thank you for the days when the not so pretty parts of my heart are exposed. I thank you that you won’t leave me that way, but that you love me enough to change me from the inside out. Help me to rest in your hands and surrender what my flesh so badly wants to hold onto. Help me trust in your wisdom and rid me of trying to whisper my own plans to you as you refine me. And above all else, let my heart be tuned by your Spirit and not by this world.

“What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. 

The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for,

“Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?”

But we have the mind of Christ.

1 Corinthians 2:12-16

Transparent & Deep

Lord, I long to be transparent but deep...

I think of a calm lake, knowing that many times I can look in and see the life teeming on the shallower parts. But sometimes I have to actually get in to experience the rest that my eyes cannot behold just from simply looking. I want to be like that. Exposed and approachable, but also so deeply rooted that looking in the water only gives you a small glimpse of the work that is going on much deeper. God, draw people to your living water that you have deeply rooted in my soul!

Beautiful Brokenness

God has given us a beautiful brokenness in the light of the Gospel. This weekend as I looked into the broken eyes of young women, my heart was overwhelmed. Who told them they weren’t lovely? Who whispered that they simply weren’t enough?

But why were they still so lovely in the midst of this? What gave dead eyes such gentle hope?

As the women of FSU cried out in surrender this weekend, they were met with a Mighty Warrior. I saw strength being restored.

But these women weren’t met with self-help books or pep talks; they were met with a provision far greater. They were given an inheritance. They were given beauty from ashes. And their hearts were bound and sealed with perfect righteousness; righteousness through the lamb who was slain. 

Places long devastated were rebuilt and shame was diminished by everlasting joy.

Stop holding out empty cups to the world, stop pleading with things of this earth to fill you! Sit at the feet of Jesus and in faith believe that you have been forgiven.

Let the words of Isaiah 61 say what my fumbling words are trying to:

“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,^[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
³     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

⁴ They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.
⁵ Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
    foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
⁶ And you will be called priests of the Lord,
    you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
    and in their riches you will boast.

⁷ Instead of your shame
    you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
    you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
    and everlasting joy will be yours.

⁸ “For I, the Lord, love justice;
    I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
    and make an everlasting covenant with them.
⁹ Their descendants will be known among the nations
    and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
    that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”

¹⁰ I delight greatly in the Lord;
    my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
    and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
    and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
¹¹ For as the soil makes the sprout come up
    and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
    and praise spring up before all nations.”

Life hurts

I think it’s safe to say that life hurts.

Tonight as I reflected on my day and desired to choose joy, I smacked my knee into my dresser. I sat there a moment as the stinging pain pulsed through my knee and finally subsided. As I lay there, feeling the still fresh pain, all I could think was one day this won’t happen anymore. Then I laughed. You see, I’m starting to catch on to Satan’s tricks these days. When we feel like we’re doing a good job of running the race, Satan uses sin and disappointments to trip us, leaving us in pain and feeling somewhat helpless.

I knew that the tempting anger was not truth as I recalled the thought I was having right as I hit my knee.  God had given me peace in the strangest of circumstances. I was thinking of everything that had not gone according to my own plans, and thanking God that He loves me enough to discipline me. Peace and joy flowed through my thoughts and I dwelt on the words “Christ alone.” … Christ alone is enough reason for joy, Christ alone produces peace, Christ alone is who I can put my hope in, Christ alone makes me whole…. Christ alone. No wonder my thoughts were interrupted by temptation and pain. Satan can’t stand the truth!

Sometimes it seems like God’s voice is hard to hear and other times it can ring clear as day. Sometimes we feel like we’re searching in the dark and other times a sting can awaken us and help us to pay attention. The slight physical pain reminded me of my human state. I’m still living in the flesh and there is earthly pain and discomfort that comes with that –disappointment, unmet expectations, and yes even physical aches. But thank God that there will be a day when we no longer feel pain and we won’t hurt anymore. I can lift my eyes and know that these afflictions truly are light and momentary, and there will be an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

"Great peace have those who love your law; nothing can make them stumble."

Psalm 119:165