Patience With Joy

Waiting is hard. Especially when it comes to engagement. Last month, the Hughes family took a vacation to the beach. Forrest and Kristen Hughes (Hunter’s brother and sister-in-law) had just gotten back from a trip to South America. They brought some fun things back –weird fruit snacks, farmer’s tans, cortisona cream –but there was one in particular that made the crowd go wild… CHOCOLATE! 

We all gathered around the coffee table as 3 exotic chocolate bars emerged from Forrest’s bag. He explained the flavor of each and where they came from –Peru, Colombia, hint of espresso, milk, dark…

As the whole family looked on the chocolate bars with eager anticipation (I could see Bill Hughes wiping away traces of drool), Forrest added an important twist. “We learned the right way to eat chocolate.” Kristen and Forrest had been properly educated on a new approach to chocolate eating. He explained that you first break off a piece and listen for the “Snnaaap” as it breaks. The more crisp the sound, the better. Now, contrary to the American way, South Americans just place the chocolate on their tongue and patiently wait for it to dissolve. No biting. No chewing. Just enjoying the fullness of the experience.

That sounds lame.

But we all obliged and entertained this new chocolate eating procedure. I picked up the milk chocolate bar. “Snnaaap.” My fingers tingled as the tension build and finally released, a treasure waiting for me between both thumbs and forefingers.

As the morsel sat on my tongue, I tasted more flavors than ever before…. A chocolate eating experience different from any I had previously experienced.

It was smooth. The small piece literally melted in my mouth and the creamy goodness spread across my tongue. As the flavor dispersed, I tasted new hints of chocolate that were so foreign to my “stuff my face with Dove chocolates and eat them in seconds” approach.

Tonight as Hunter and I talked about engagement and our excitement, this previous experience came back to mind.

Let’s not rush through the sweetness of engagement just to get to the “good part”. I want to savor this time, knowing that God is intricately involved in the process. I was to embrace the tension of wanting so badly to be married, but also waiting patiently and rejoicing in the waiting. I want to acknowledge that this method of tasting chocolates is very new and foreign to me, but that it might… just might… be better than the way I’ve been doing it. Yes, the desire to just want engagement to be over and rush through to the marriage is there. But God is suggesting I try a new approach. A more savoring approach.

It’s difficult. A lot of days I lack this new perspective. But God is reminding me to slow down, sit quietly, and savor. And through this process, not only do I experience chocolate in a whole new way, I get to experience God in a whole new way.

Joy of the Redeemed

My loving fiancé reminded me of this truth this morning found in Isaiah 35.

“The desert and the parched land will be glad;

the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;

it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.

…

They will see the glory of the Lord,

the splendor of our God.

Strengthen the feeble hands,

steady the knees that give way.

…

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened,

and the ears of the deaf unstopped;

Then shall the lame man leap like a deer,

and the tongue of the mute sing for joy.

For waters break forth in the wilderness,

and streams in the desert;

And a highway shall be there,

And it shall be called the Way of Holiness;

the unclean shall not pass over it.

It shall belong to those who walk on the way;

…

But the redeemed shall walk there.

And the ransomed of the Lord shall return

and come to Zion with singing;

everlasting joy shall be upon their hands;

they shall obtain gladness and joy,

and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.”

It speaks of the redemption God brings to his creation. “The blind will see… there will be streams in the desert.” And He makes a highway back to Zion, our home, that is called the Way of Holiness.

This promise blows me away. It is overflowing with hope and only possible because of my redeemer who shed his blood for me. I get to be a partaker of these things, not through any effort of my own, but by the covering Christ has made for me to be seen as the holy and blameless, pure, undefiled, bride of Christ!

Hunter told me of how it makes him think of the aisle I’ll get to walk on July 22. The death and impurity of this world and of ourselves in wiped away and we are called Holy, set apart by God FOR God. We walk towards Him, towards home, on that day and all the days after. 

Thoughts on Forgiveness

You know how sometimes everything you’re learning in your life starts to overlap and it couldn’t be clearer that God is trying to get a message across?

Well you guessed it, it’s happening to me. And the topic is forgiveness.

I’m a piece of work when it comes to this topic, but God is really good at working with difficult and messy pottery. He’s like one of those tattoo artists whose job it is to cover up a really regrettable tattoo decision. (Don't act like you've never impulsively gotten a butt tatt with your friends..)  I’ve seen some pretty crazy transformations happen on the show… a woman with a sleeve of junk food and donuts that they were able to turn into a veggie tattoo sleeve. That’s pretty impressive! −to take two completely opposite things and be able to creatively see how it can be changed into something better. While the comparison is very loose, hopefully you can make some sort of connection with it ;)

Anyways, I digress.

About 2 weeks ago Hunter and I had a conflict arise. At the root of it were a lot of miscommunicated thoughts, misinterpreted thoughts, and shame. I won’t speak for Hunter, but I will speak for myself. I was extremely frustrated and bitter. Not only did I emotionally feel angry, but physically my body felt tense. The best way I can describe it was feeling like I had clenched fists. I admitted to him that I was reacting this way and that I knew it was not of the spirit but of the flesh. I felt helpless to react differently. Eventually, I cried out to God and asked for him to help. And he did. It felt as though God had applied a healing balm… my muscles relaxed and I fell into his arms.

The next day at our Easter service, the sermon was on Colossians 3:12-14

“Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.  And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

In summary, this passage commands people to put on these 5 things:

1.) Compassion

2.) Kindness

3.) Humility

4.) Gentleness (Meekness)

5.) Patience

Putting on these things lead to these 2 actions:

1.) Forgiving one another –surrendering your right to hurt someone who has hurt you

2.) Bearing with one another – an ongoing action

·         I can forgive Hunter because God has forgiven me much.

·         Forgiveness is only possible with your eyes fixed on the cross. If my eyes are any place else, my self-righteousness makes forgiveness feel nearly impossible.

(Parable of the two debtors)  : Who am I to withhold grace when my own debt far exceeds theirs…

In the case of my conflict with Hunter, I was a sinner being offended by another sinner.

This pales in comparison to my sin against a holy & perfect God.

This Good Friday was a timely reminder of that.

There’s no doubt that forgiveness will continue to be a challenge in my life. My first reaction to being hurt is usually to withdraw in order to protect myself from further damage. Then bitterness sets in along with defensiveness –if I don’t stand up for me, who will? But, through God’s word and the counsel of others, I am aware that these reactions only create a further distance and separation. By saying “Yes” to forgiveness, we are able to see how God takes broken relationships and redeems them. I can honestly say that God has brought Hunter and I’s relationship even greater sweetness and closeness following the difficult conversations. That’s what God does, He redeems!

As we walk forward, we know this is just the start of a long road of “I’m sorrys” and difficult “I forgive yous.” But, by God’s grace, we can walk forward assured that God will not abandon his children. We can confidently own our shame and come out of hiding knowing that we are first and foremost forgiven by God through Christ, and that changes everything. 

Lusting in the Workplace

I'm curious what this title brought to mind for you...

Hopefully this will be different than what you had originally thought but refreshing and a new perspective.

This evening I read in Numbers about the Israelites complaining to Moses for better food. The Lord had promised to give them enough manna every day, but after a short time wandering in the wilderness, they got sick of eating the same old thing. "Give us meat to eat!"

So the story continues...
Moses brought their complaints before the Lord. The Lord gave the Israelites what they wanted.... quail for days! Seriously, the Lord said to Moses, "I will give them meat for a whole month."

It's not because the Lord is incapable. He made that clear to Moses when he told him the plans. “Tell the people: ‘Consecrate yourselves in preparation for tomorrow, when you will eat meat. The Lord heard you when you wailed, “If only we had meat to eat! We were better off in Egypt!” Now the Lord will give you meat, and you will eat it. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, ten or twenty days, but for a whole month—until it comes out of your nostrils and you loathe it—because you have rejected the Lord, who is among you, and have wailed before him, saying, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?”’

And listen to Moses' response: “Here I am among six hundred thousand men on foot, and you say, ‘I will give them meat to eat for a whole month!’ Would they have enough if flocks and herds were slaughtered for them? Would they have enough if all the fish in the sea were caught for them?” Moses doubts that the Lord can do what he has said. I don't think Moses' response is that crazy if any old person had said that. I agree, Moses, that's a lot of quail. But Moses forgot who he was talking to. This wasn't a limited man. This is the Divine and Almighty God. Considering that truth, God's reply to Moses gets me excited. God doesn't have to explain himself, but here He is reminding Moses that he is infinitely capable and that his supply is endless.

The Lord answered Moses, “Is the Lord’s arm too short? Now you will see whether or not what I say will come true for you.”

So what's my obsession with this Old Testament quail story. I'd love to tell you the strange connection between Moses, an elderly man from the tribe of Levi, and Christina, a 23 year old from the town of Davie, FL.

I feel like the Israelites. Lately, work has been difficult and it's so so frustrating. I often feel as though I deserve a more rewarding job instead of an exhausting one that often seems thankless. My requests for quail come through complaints for feeling successful, impactful, and craving the approval of my students.

These aren't bad things, but they are so harmful when I make them an inappropriate desire. The Israelites desire for quail wasn't wrong, they were craving good food, but a good desire turned sinful when they felt it was their right to have it and they could think of nothing else. I could relate so much to this. My desires aren't inherently "bad", but they have oh so subtly moved from harmless thoughts to sinful lust in my heart. Lately, I can think of nothing else. The story of the Israelites lusting after better food has showed me that when you become preoccupied with something to the point where it affects your perspective on everything else, you have moved from desire to lust.

God is Rich in Mercy

Yesterday I drove to a community group potluck at around 5. I noticed myself on edge and frustrated by a prior bean purchasing incident at Walmart. I just wanted to run in and out but, of course, found myself stuck in a check-out line for 15 minutes behind a woman who took her coupons very seriously.

As I made my way over to Hope’s house, God helped me snap out of my ungrateful attitude.

Christina, remember just a few months ago when you drove this same route to your very first community group? … Having no idea what to expect but praying and trusting that I would provide community. Well I did! And now you’re driving to share a meal with these people who have been such a blessing for the short time you have known them.  

My clenched fists opened and praised the Lord for his faithfulness. After some really refreshing time eating and playing games, I headed out to go to my friend Liz’s house. I pulled up and joined Liz, Jenn, and Savannah on her porch for some tea and chilly fellowship. It was so sweet to my soul to be able to sit and share life and have conversation about what God has been doing with these new sisters in Christ in Tampa.

At around 11:00 pm Jenn and I headed out, deeply satisfied from the fellowship that had God’s goodness written all over it. Jenn had reached out to me earlier in the day and asked if she could stay the night at my place. I asked if she wanted to follow me to my apartment but she said she had the directions and would meet me there.

15 minutes or so later, as I turned onto Brandon Causeway I answered a phone call from Jenn. When I saw she was calling, I figured she probably needed directions or help with the gate.

Jenn calmly started speaking: “Christina, I just got T-boned. I was just following the directions… I can’t move. I’m fine… They’re taking me to the hospital…”

 …”Hi Christina, I’m one of the paramedics. Your friend is fine but we need to take her to the hospital because of the severity of the impact.”

“Okay. Wait, where are you going? Can I meet you there? ” Click.

A million different thoughts and scenarios rushed through my mind. Pray. I need to pray. I called Liz and told her the situation as calmly as I could. Pray with me.

I asked God for these things:

Please give Jenn calmness and peace that only comes from you.

I pray for the doctors who treat her. Give them wisdom and help them care for her.

I pray that she wouldn’t be overwhelmed with the logistics and details with the car and insurance.

I showed up a little while later at Tampa General. I felt more calm after praying and worshipping as I drove there. I walked into room 4 of the ER to see both of my friends. Jenn looked at me and her eyes immediately filled with tears. I held her hands and just stared at my friend, thanking God that she was in front of me and safe.

Jenn shared that she felt strangely calm when she got there… “Idk if it was from shock or what.” And everyone here that’s taken care of me has been so nice. My car is totaled but it’s okay. Those were the exact three things I had prayed for her. Yes, God hears our prayers.

The next few hours were filled with worship. I shared with Jenn something that I had been learning recently. God’s love doesn’t always look the way we want it to… it’s not always the warm and fuzzy kind of love. Sometimes it hurts or feels more like discipline than love. But it is so obvious that God loves and cares for you, even through this.

As Jenn processed through more of the shock, I sat there so encouraged by her worshipful heart. Jenn felt weak, rightfully so, but there’s something about being rocked by the transience of life that made even the two women sitting by her bedside equally as weak.

As I listened to Jenn quietly and with heavenly calmness say, “We just never know when our last moment will be” I was caught by the weighty-ness.

Weighty-ness:

 Can you imagine how people who don’t know the Lord respond to situations like this? Yes, with a weighty-ness but one born out of fear. A realization of their impermanence that causes them to panic and consider what their purpose is and why they’re here.

But can you imagine how a person who knows that God is with them responds? With a confidence knowing that this momentary suffering is God-ordained and is indeed just that, momentary. They know that their life is temporary but they do not fear death because they know their life is secure with Christ. It’s a different kind of weighty-ness… one that acknowledges the sovereignty of God and his mercy towards the lowly.

The past 24 hours have been a lot to process.  

But I am confident of this:

God loves me. And gave himself for me. And I get to know him and enjoy him forever… even after I take my last breath in this temporary body. Life is a gift and God is such a gracious gift-giver.

Lord, I thank you that we can know you. I’m so thankful that I don’t have to live life apart from you but that I get you. I get to worship you through the hard stuff and know that there is divine purpose weaved into everything I experience. I am reminded that my salvation is a gift. I can take no credit for knowing you… “And if you had not loved me first, I would refuse you still.” I could do nothing to work my way to you, but in your great mercy you gave me yourself. Thank you for the body of Christ and that even though Jenn’s family is in Georgia, that Liz and I could love her by your strength. Thank you for the opportunity to love and serve Jenn last night. It is so obvious that you care about Jenn so much. Keep my eyes heavenward. Thank you for making even the most unideal circumstances an opportunity to worship you and behold your glory. Amen.

Dear American,

I’m not one to talk about politics, but with all of the women’s marches and protests the last two days, my mind needs to process.

I am perplexed. People are losing their minds. There are riots and marches and protests all standing up for "morality" while in doing so, people seem to have thrown aside all morals. This isn't everyone, but some are even lighting fires, breaking windows, defacing vehicles, and yelling obscenities on TV.

The events I have been witnessing hurt my soul. We are acting recklessly, abandoning sound judgement, and creating our own standards of what is morally acceptable behavior.

We are holding Trump to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. We have been quick to point a finger and verbally assault him with talk of how he is not behaving according to “our moral standards.” And I agree, he is wrong in the way he speaks and acts. But so are you and I. It is okay for us to lie, cheat, and swear, but not him. But wait, isn’t he a sinner just like us? Yes, the leader of our country should be held to high standards, but so should we.

Think of the music on the radio that the majority of Americans listen to. Lyrics that demean and degrade women. Songs praising a warped view on sex and intimacy. But he is worse than us? American, you are angry but you are no different. Why is it okay to watch pornography from the comfort of your own bedroom but when Trump publicly talks about the way he has violated a woman that is far worse? Why is it okay to buy into America’s cheap culture of viewing women as objects for your pleasure but when you hear “locker room talk” you cringe.

Examine yourselves. Are you better than this man? Or are you quick to point a finger, blind to your own hypocrisy? In the midst of all this “not my president” talk, honestly evaluate yourself… Does this president represent you? Yes. He does. He represents hopelessly rebellious, sinful, hell-bound people.

But God.

There is hope. Let this leader point you higher. Let this man, whom you despise and who might, just might, make you despise your own blood-stained hands, direct your eyes to another leader. A heavenly king. King Jesus. 

Pre-Sunrise Thoughts

I woke up this morning feeling jittery and unable to sleep. Perhaps it’s from all of the excitement of looking at wedding venues yesterday. Whatever the reason, here I am, awake at 5:30 on a Sunday morning. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but thoughts of wedding details and future hopes kept coming to mind. While it’s not an entirely bad thing, I didn’t like it. I wanted my thoughts to be anchored on something more certain. Not just hopes or dreams. I decided to listen to a sermon on Job, a book of the Bible that I’m reading through. It’s not that I don’t understand the basic theme of Job –I know it’s about suffering. But I wanted a greater understanding of this divinely inspired, 42 chapter book, that God has given us.

“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he

feared God and shunned evil. 2 He had seven sons and three daughters, 3 and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.”

This seemingly “fairy tale” introduction is a stark contrast with what happens in just a few chapters.

“So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

The question “why” rings through the minds of most people who read these chapters.

            Why would God allow this?

            Why curse an upright man?

            Why give Satan the go-ahead to afflict him?

            Why take everything he has?

            Why kill his entire family?     

            Why, if God is good, does he allow suffering?

I think these are normal inquiries from people who just don’t see the whole picture. Our minds can’t comprehend the purposes of God, we are well aware of this. While the reading of the 42 chapters of Job won’t satisfy our “whys”, it will do something even greater –give us a deeper faith to accept the unanswered whys and trust that the answer God has, though unspoken, is sufficient.