This week has been a humbling reminder of a lot of different things, including God's sovereignty.
If you asked me to plan out my week, I probably would've filled it with things that I know would forsure bring me enjoyment, ease, and joy. My desire for comfort leaves little room for scheduling some hard lessons learned through suffering into my week.
On Monday, I was able to wake up a bit earlier than normal which gave me time to be still before the leaving for work. Trying to get back in the word is something I've been discouraged by but oh my, it was so good! I love having God at the center of my life and work! It brings so much joy!
Tuesday started out much the same. Woke up a bit earlier and had some time to read. As I got ready, my stomach hurt a little bit... it just felt empty and like I needed to eat something. I drove to school encouraged by the time I had spent with the Lord and was excited to spend another day leaning on his strength as I went about teaching and planning.
By 10:45am I had thrown up twice and decided to head home. I felt awful and nauseous. After fighting back sickness the entire drive home, I stumbled up the sidewalk, pausing to throw up in the bushes before I climbed up the stairs to my apartment.
I continued throwing up for the next 3 hours and dozed in and out of sleep on the bathroom floor. I finally reached out to my friend Hope and asked if she would take me to the clinic. I waited and mustered up a few prayers... Lord, please help.
I heard Hope knock on the door.
I love that part of the story. Where I am helpless and unable to even sit up and then help comes. Sound familiar, eh? If that story isn't ringing a bell, I will explain later.
In case you're dying to know the end of the story, a few pills and good conversations later I was on my way to recovery. Still weak and exhausted, but feeling well cared for by Hope and my God.
I'm not gonna lie, I hadn't felt that sick in a couple of years. I was pallid and weak and drained. But at the end of the day, I couldn't help but feel so thankful! I've lived in Tampa for about a month and a half and am incredibly grateful that I had a good friend I could call who was able to drop everything and come to my help. Thank you Lord for community! I had just been to that same clinic the week before to refill a prescription so I knew it was close by and already had my info on file. Thank you Lord for your planning! It was Tuesday so my students had mobility lessons aka I wasn't missing any lessons. Thank you Lord that you know all of the details of my life!
This little excerpt from my short life here on earth reminds me that I am weak. I live in a fragile body that gets sick, tired, and breaks down. This world isn't my home, and that's a good thing! I get to wait with hope and experience more and more of how God loves and cares for me.
Thank you Lord for protecting and providing for me through friends and your sovereign timing.
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Teacher Teacher
This post is gonna take a different spin... I am still convinced that the title is appropriate. I don't know everything and I'm well aware, but this is the irony. I'm a teacher. Aren't teachers supposed to know things? Aren't they supposed to be super smart and educated? After all, they teach others, right? How can you teach other people without knowing a thing or two yourself.
After 5 years of college, 3 of those years which were spent studying in detail how to educate visually impaired individuals, and countless hours of internships and observations I feel... weak. You would think that I could solve any problem and spit out every eye disease and how to treat it, but that's just not the case. In my pride, I have convinced myself that I'm now capable of handling everything at my job alone. After all, I should be "the expert" right? But God has quickly been bringing to my attention that no amount of education makes me self-sufficient. I am totally in need of Him, not just for the things that are out of my control, but also in the things that I have the illusion that I can control on my own.
This job is no different than surrendering the future, or sickness, financial hardships, or even my next breath to Him. Although those situations seem like a no-brainer to bring to God, I am just as needy as a teacher because underneath it all, I am a sinner who is in constant need of grace.
As I look to the future and what this school year could be like, I desperately want God's help. After only a week in, I am exhausted and left feeling helpless. But praise be to God whose grace is sufficient! No, I don't know it all and I might be the first teacher willing to admit that. But what I do know is that He who is in me is greater than anything I could conjure up on my own. He is Abba Father. He is the Great Physician. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Rock of Ages. He is the Great I AM. He is Creator. He is Savior of the world. He is Redeemer. He is Wisdom. He is Teacher... and He is more than qualified to equip me to teach.
After 5 years of college, 3 of those years which were spent studying in detail how to educate visually impaired individuals, and countless hours of internships and observations I feel... weak. You would think that I could solve any problem and spit out every eye disease and how to treat it, but that's just not the case. In my pride, I have convinced myself that I'm now capable of handling everything at my job alone. After all, I should be "the expert" right? But God has quickly been bringing to my attention that no amount of education makes me self-sufficient. I am totally in need of Him, not just for the things that are out of my control, but also in the things that I have the illusion that I can control on my own.
This job is no different than surrendering the future, or sickness, financial hardships, or even my next breath to Him. Although those situations seem like a no-brainer to bring to God, I am just as needy as a teacher because underneath it all, I am a sinner who is in constant need of grace.
As I look to the future and what this school year could be like, I desperately want God's help. After only a week in, I am exhausted and left feeling helpless. But praise be to God whose grace is sufficient! No, I don't know it all and I might be the first teacher willing to admit that. But what I do know is that He who is in me is greater than anything I could conjure up on my own. He is Abba Father. He is the Great Physician. He is the Alpha and Omega. He is the Rock of Ages. He is the Great I AM. He is Creator. He is Savior of the world. He is Redeemer. He is Wisdom. He is Teacher... and He is more than qualified to equip me to teach.
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Is One Important?
What difference does it make teaching this ONE kid? Is it
worth all of the time and planning and effort…
I follow Jesus as my example. He counted that ONE kid
important enough to leave the 99 to go find them. He loved this ONE student so
much that he laid down his life for him.
Lord, help me not to see one student as insignificant or question if my teaching will really make a difference in the grand scheme of things. Give me the mind of Christ towards my students and help me to love them fiercely and know that Christ fought for them!
If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices more over that one sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray.…
If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he rejoices more over that one sheep than over the ninety-nine that did not go astray.…
Saturday, August 6, 2016
Post Summer Thoughts
The past summer months have brought floods of emotions and thoughts... It's been a season of mountains and valleys and everything in between.
... they've involved many quickly changing events, feelings, and cities. From Tally to Ft. Lauderdale to St. Louis to San Francisco to New Zealand --and back again to San Fran, the Lou, and SoFLo. Then to Daytona Beach, a few weekend trips back and forth to Tampa, and ultimately ending up in Tampa at my first teaching job.
It's not something that I think writing about can adequately express. I am reminded of the extreme reluctance and fear that I had going into my time at Daytona. The first week left me frustrated and confused... Lord, why would you bring me here? Why this major? Why can't I be anywhere else?
When I first start out in a new place or find myself in an unfamiliar circumstance, my first reaction is often to doubt and question and doubt some more. I have such a hard time believing that God is exactly who he says he is and that he will do everything he promises, and then some! But I am consistently left speechless by God's grace and power when he shows up! ...not if but when.
In Daytona, God showed up in the form of a spirit-filled and encouraging security guard. My prayers for discipleship and community did not fall on "deaf ears", instead they were carefully answered according to a purpose that was bigger than my own. God showed up in the form of students who taught me what it means to labor and believe and hope! Clients who initially seemed difficult or undesirable became a joy to work with and taught me about the value of patience. As I learned to challenge them and take risks, I witnessed freedom. I gave high-fives, bought mountain dews, accepted sincere apologies, rejoiced after successful street-crossings, and salsa danced.
God provided what I need, when I needed it. He gave me my daily bread through the encouragement of an eternity-focused security guard. He chiseled away my sins of selfishness through the daily "frustrations" of running into students and staff after work hours (what can you expect when you live where you work.) He grew my compassion for people who are walking through recent vision loss and are fearful of what their lives will be like.
Although it's not what I would have chosen, God continues to teach me that I can fully, confidently, and expectantly trust Him.
Lord, help me to not lean on my own understanding. You were faithful before, you are faithful now, and you will be faithful again. Thank you for your grace in giving me what I need and what is best for my soul. Thank you for your grace in saying no when I beg for my "cup" to be taken from me. And thank you for your grace that keeps flowing and sustaining me as I walk forward holding tightly to your hand. Amen.
... they've involved many quickly changing events, feelings, and cities. From Tally to Ft. Lauderdale to St. Louis to San Francisco to New Zealand --and back again to San Fran, the Lou, and SoFLo. Then to Daytona Beach, a few weekend trips back and forth to Tampa, and ultimately ending up in Tampa at my first teaching job.
It's not something that I think writing about can adequately express. I am reminded of the extreme reluctance and fear that I had going into my time at Daytona. The first week left me frustrated and confused... Lord, why would you bring me here? Why this major? Why can't I be anywhere else?
When I first start out in a new place or find myself in an unfamiliar circumstance, my first reaction is often to doubt and question and doubt some more. I have such a hard time believing that God is exactly who he says he is and that he will do everything he promises, and then some! But I am consistently left speechless by God's grace and power when he shows up! ...not if but when.
In Daytona, God showed up in the form of a spirit-filled and encouraging security guard. My prayers for discipleship and community did not fall on "deaf ears", instead they were carefully answered according to a purpose that was bigger than my own. God showed up in the form of students who taught me what it means to labor and believe and hope! Clients who initially seemed difficult or undesirable became a joy to work with and taught me about the value of patience. As I learned to challenge them and take risks, I witnessed freedom. I gave high-fives, bought mountain dews, accepted sincere apologies, rejoiced after successful street-crossings, and salsa danced.
God provided what I need, when I needed it. He gave me my daily bread through the encouragement of an eternity-focused security guard. He chiseled away my sins of selfishness through the daily "frustrations" of running into students and staff after work hours (what can you expect when you live where you work.) He grew my compassion for people who are walking through recent vision loss and are fearful of what their lives will be like.
Although it's not what I would have chosen, God continues to teach me that I can fully, confidently, and expectantly trust Him.
Lord, help me to not lean on my own understanding. You were faithful before, you are faithful now, and you will be faithful again. Thank you for your grace in giving me what I need and what is best for my soul. Thank you for your grace in saying no when I beg for my "cup" to be taken from me. And thank you for your grace that keeps flowing and sustaining me as I walk forward holding tightly to your hand. Amen.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Psalm 63
Lately it seems like God is really chipping away at my heart.
From learning about how to be generous with money to realizing that honor and
esteem do not belong to me. I’m here to serve. “But God, my time can be used
better someplace else. I’m not being challenged. The world doesn’t care if my
student learns the routes to her classes. Why can’t I be in ministry? Why
here? Why this?”
Christina, my son left His throne to serve.
Wow, what a powerful reminder filled with grace and truth.
Jesus, the King of Kings, became a man but didn’t live as a king on this earth.
He knew his worth, but never once demanded to rule an empire or for the current
king to fork over the throne which so rightfully belonged to him. He bowed to
the Father’s will and humbly served.
I’m learning how to live moment by moment by God’s strength.
It’s like a constant lifeline that I’m connected to… I can’t unplug myself for
a single second without crashing. I’m
tempted to think that I can just go, recharge, and leave until it’s time to run
back again. However, I am becoming so aware that I won’t get very far. There’s
not a single second that I don’t need to be drawing my strength from Him.
Im finishing week two of my internship at the Rehabilitation
Center for the Blind and I’m exhausted. I’m spiritually and physically dry.
Earnestly
I seek you;
I
thirst for you,
My
whole being longs for you,
In
a dry and parched land where there is no water.”
Psalm
63
My
soul is so thirsty for God. The only problem is that I’m neglecting the first
part of that passage: “Earnestly I seek you.” I desperately know I need to
drink and I know where the well is, but I’m either too lazy or prideful or busy
to actually go.
Lord,
help me run to you. I don’t have the strength on my own to even get there, so
strengthen my feeble bones and bring me to your fount. I am weak and needy.
Please refresh my soul and help me rejoice in You!
Sunday, June 12, 2016
I can hear your heartbeat, for the world you love…
I hear John 3:16 all over but it never really occurred to me that God loves the world. I always think of him being displeased with the state of how things are. It’s easy to focus my eyes on the negative. The innocent people being killed, the broken marriages, the stealing, the closed-hearted way we treat one another… sin is running rampant.
I know that it’s hard for my soul to tolerate what is going on around me. I often long for heaven because I can’t bear to look at the state of this broken world. But God doesn’t turn his head and say “Well, you’re all hopeless.” No, God loves the world. He fights for this world. He longs for things to be made new. He left His throne and the endless praise he was receiving and entered into our mess. He gave His Son. There is no greater love than that.
I think that I need to start fighting for the world that way that God does. First, I need to fervently pray for heaven to come here. I need to truly trust and believe that God will make all things new. Second, I need to be light in the darkness. I need to ask God to help me to love people well and in deep and earnest ways. Third, I need to take on the eyes of Christ and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me and strengthen me to even get anything accomplished.
Now don’t hear this. God does NOT love murder, he makes that clear in his word: “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” Proverbs 6:16-19
However it is important to keep in mind that God is well aware of the state of how things are BUT, unlike me, he does not lose heart and he doesn’t want to flee the continent or hop on the first spaceship to Mars. No. God still loves this broken place. He doesn’t want to abandon ship. God knew the detestable sin that we were, and still are, capable of and yet “while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.” The truth gives me hope in the love that defeated death and conquered the grave! Praise God for that!
I hear John 3:16 all over but it never really occurred to me that God loves the world. I always think of him being displeased with the state of how things are. It’s easy to focus my eyes on the negative. The innocent people being killed, the broken marriages, the stealing, the closed-hearted way we treat one another… sin is running rampant.
I know that it’s hard for my soul to tolerate what is going on around me. I often long for heaven because I can’t bear to look at the state of this broken world. But God doesn’t turn his head and say “Well, you’re all hopeless.” No, God loves the world. He fights for this world. He longs for things to be made new. He left His throne and the endless praise he was receiving and entered into our mess. He gave His Son. There is no greater love than that.
I think that I need to start fighting for the world that way that God does. First, I need to fervently pray for heaven to come here. I need to truly trust and believe that God will make all things new. Second, I need to be light in the darkness. I need to ask God to help me to love people well and in deep and earnest ways. Third, I need to take on the eyes of Christ and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me and strengthen me to even get anything accomplished.
Now don’t hear this. God does NOT love murder, he makes that clear in his word: “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.” Proverbs 6:16-19
However it is important to keep in mind that God is well aware of the state of how things are BUT, unlike me, he does not lose heart and he doesn’t want to flee the continent or hop on the first spaceship to Mars. No. God still loves this broken place. He doesn’t want to abandon ship. God knew the detestable sin that we were, and still are, capable of and yet “while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.” The truth gives me hope in the love that defeated death and conquered the grave! Praise God for that!
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Sheep Playdates
Today I went to Ponce Inlet. It's a bit south of Daytona and there's a lighthouse, a marine life center, and some little docks. There's not much to do there, but Patrick (a security guard that I met here on my first day) did tell me about the jetties down on the beach so I walked a bit in the general direction and found them, Bill Hughes style. I was pretty pumped about finding them because my goal today was to stand on the rocks and look out at the waves. Mission accomplished.
My PB&J was already thoroughly digested and my stomach began to politely ask for more food. So I looked up some restaurants nearby and found one called "Black Bean Cafe". I had some of the most tasty fish tacos of my life. It was a family owned business and the staff was super friendly. I was so satisfied, not only from the delicious meal, but because of the way God planned my whole day out for me. From watching the waves crash over the rocks on the beach all the way down to finding some lunch. It was all so effortless on my part but God was so clearly involved.
I headed back to my dorm and saw one of the dorm staff, David (I later learned his last name is Hughes) outside. We talked a bit and he asked what I had been up to. I think he's around my age, but he's pretty quiet and keeps to himself. As I was talking to him about some of the places I went, Patrick saw us through the glass doors and came out to join. After a solid day of solitude, it was nice to talk to some people.
Fast forward a few minutes and I ran into Patrick again as I wandered around the building... this place really isn't all that huge. We talked a bit and I thanked him for the suggestions on my activity itinerary that he wrote for me and gave me on Friday when I ran into him on campus. He asked what I had planned for tomorrow and I told him that I was gonna try out a church. I saw his eyes light up. I knew it... I just knew you had to be a believer. You know, there's just something about you, you just give off light. I told him that the other day when I talked to him I meant to ask him if he was a Christian because I also had my suspicions.
Wow, there's nothing more humbling and exciting than hearing from someone that they know you by your fruit and can tell that Christ is alive in you.
Patrick mentioned some things about how God has provided for him financially and even through meeting his wife. He told me how it had been a long awaited answer to prayer meeting her. (Patrick is in his forties and has a 3 year old daughter named Hannah).
After talking abut our faith a bit... we basically talked about how creation just shouts God's glory and how we can't understand why people don't believe... we ended our conversation praising God and with a solid high five. I wish my words could adequately express how much joy there was in that hallway as two of God's children just bragged about how great their Father is.
I'm in awe tonight as I see how quickly God answers prayers.
My first day here was a bit hectic, I arrived on Wednesday and immediately started working. I met my supervisor, Steve, and a woman named Holly who also works in mobility. I was pretty intimidated by them and could some major personality differences. I was convicted of my judgmental heart towards them but couldn't help but feel like "Really God? These people... This internship...This place..." On Friday I had a really good conversation with Steve about why he chose this profession. He also told me how much he genuinely cares about his interns and desires to see me grow from now until the end of the internship.
In only a few days, God has already been faithful. I'm excited to look back when it's all finished and be amazed at how God weaves this all together.
My PB&J was already thoroughly digested and my stomach began to politely ask for more food. So I looked up some restaurants nearby and found one called "Black Bean Cafe". I had some of the most tasty fish tacos of my life. It was a family owned business and the staff was super friendly. I was so satisfied, not only from the delicious meal, but because of the way God planned my whole day out for me. From watching the waves crash over the rocks on the beach all the way down to finding some lunch. It was all so effortless on my part but God was so clearly involved.
I headed back to my dorm and saw one of the dorm staff, David (I later learned his last name is Hughes) outside. We talked a bit and he asked what I had been up to. I think he's around my age, but he's pretty quiet and keeps to himself. As I was talking to him about some of the places I went, Patrick saw us through the glass doors and came out to join. After a solid day of solitude, it was nice to talk to some people.
Fast forward a few minutes and I ran into Patrick again as I wandered around the building... this place really isn't all that huge. We talked a bit and I thanked him for the suggestions on my activity itinerary that he wrote for me and gave me on Friday when I ran into him on campus. He asked what I had planned for tomorrow and I told him that I was gonna try out a church. I saw his eyes light up. I knew it... I just knew you had to be a believer. You know, there's just something about you, you just give off light. I told him that the other day when I talked to him I meant to ask him if he was a Christian because I also had my suspicions.
Wow, there's nothing more humbling and exciting than hearing from someone that they know you by your fruit and can tell that Christ is alive in you.
Patrick mentioned some things about how God has provided for him financially and even through meeting his wife. He told me how it had been a long awaited answer to prayer meeting her. (Patrick is in his forties and has a 3 year old daughter named Hannah).
After talking abut our faith a bit... we basically talked about how creation just shouts God's glory and how we can't understand why people don't believe... we ended our conversation praising God and with a solid high five. I wish my words could adequately express how much joy there was in that hallway as two of God's children just bragged about how great their Father is.
I'm in awe tonight as I see how quickly God answers prayers.
My first day here was a bit hectic, I arrived on Wednesday and immediately started working. I met my supervisor, Steve, and a woman named Holly who also works in mobility. I was pretty intimidated by them and could some major personality differences. I was convicted of my judgmental heart towards them but couldn't help but feel like "Really God? These people... This internship...This place..." On Friday I had a really good conversation with Steve about why he chose this profession. He also told me how much he genuinely cares about his interns and desires to see me grow from now until the end of the internship.
In only a few days, God has already been faithful. I'm excited to look back when it's all finished and be amazed at how God weaves this all together.
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