Post Summer Thoughts

The past summer months have brought floods of emotions and thoughts... It's been a season of mountains and valleys and everything in between.

... they've involved many quickly changing events, feelings, and cities. From Tally to Ft. Lauderdale to St. Louis to San Francisco to New Zealand --and back again to San Fran, the Lou, and SoFLo. Then to Daytona Beach, a few weekend trips back and forth to Tampa, and ultimately ending up in Tampa at my first teaching job.

It's not something that I think writing about can adequately express. I am reminded of the extreme reluctance and fear that I had going into my time at Daytona. The first week left me frustrated and confused... Lord, why would you bring me here? Why this major? Why can't I be anywhere else?

When I first start out in a new place or find myself in an unfamiliar circumstance, my first reaction is often to doubt and question and doubt some more. I have such a hard time believing that God is exactly who he says he is and that he will do everything he promises, and then some! But I am consistently left speechless by God's grace and power when he shows up! ...not if but when.

In Daytona, God showed up in the form of a spirit-filled and encouraging security guard. My prayers for discipleship and community did not fall on "deaf ears", instead they were carefully answered according to a purpose that was bigger than my own. God showed up in the form of students who taught me what it means to labor and believe and hope! Clients who initially seemed difficult or undesirable became a joy to work with and taught me about the value of patience. As I learned to challenge them and take risks, I witnessed freedom. I gave high-fives, bought mountain dews, accepted sincere apologies, rejoiced after successful street-crossings, and salsa danced.

God provided what I need, when I needed it. He gave me my daily bread through the encouragement of an eternity-focused security guard. He chiseled away my sins of selfishness through the daily "frustrations" of running into students and staff after work hours (what can you expect when you live where you work.) He grew my compassion for people who are walking through recent vision loss and are fearful of what their lives will be like.

Although it's not what I would have chosen, God continues to teach me that I can fully, confidently, and expectantly trust Him.

Lord, help me to not lean on my own understanding. You were faithful before, you are faithful now, and you will be faithful again. Thank you for your grace in giving me what I need and what is best for my soul. Thank you for your grace in saying no when I beg for my "cup" to be taken from me. And thank you for your grace that keeps flowing and sustaining me as I walk forward holding tightly to your hand. Amen.

Psalm 63

Lately it seems like God is really chipping away at my heart. From learning about how to be generous with money to realizing that honor and esteem do not belong to me. I’m here to serve. “But God, my time can be used better someplace else. I’m not being challenged. The world doesn’t care if my student learns the routes to her classes. Why can’t I be in ministry? Why here? Why this?”

Christina, my son left His throne to serve.

Wow, what a powerful reminder filled with grace and truth. Jesus, the King of Kings, became a man but didn’t live as a king on this earth. He knew his worth, but never once demanded to rule an empire or for the current king to fork over the throne which so rightfully belonged to him. He bowed to the Father’s will and humbly served.

I’m learning how to live moment by moment by God’s strength. It’s like a constant lifeline that I’m connected to… I can’t unplug myself for a single second without crashing.  I’m tempted to think that I can just go, recharge, and leave until it’s time to run back again. However, I am becoming so aware that I won’t get very far. There’s not a single second that I don’t need to be drawing my strength from Him.

Im finishing week two of my internship at the Rehabilitation Center for the Blind and I’m exhausted. I’m spiritually and physically dry. 

“You, God, are my God,

Earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you,

My whole being longs for you,

In a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

Psalm 63

My soul is so thirsty for God. The only problem is that I’m neglecting the first part of that passage: “Earnestly I seek you.” I desperately know I need to drink and I know where the well is, but I’m either too lazy or prideful or busy to actually go.

Lord, help me run to you. I don’t have the strength on my own to even get there, so strengthen my feeble bones and bring me to your fount. I am weak and needy. Please refresh my soul and help me rejoice in You!

I can hear your heartbeat, for the world you love…

I hear John 3:16 all over but it never really occurred to me that God loves the world. I always think of him being displeased with the state of how things are. It’s easy to focus my eyes on the negative. The innocent people being killed, the broken marriages, the stealing, the closed-hearted way we treat one another… sin is running rampant.

I know that it’s hard for my soul to tolerate what is going on around me. I often long for heaven because I can’t bear to look at the state of this broken world. But God doesn’t turn his head and say “Well, you’re all hopeless.” No, God loves the world. He fights for this world. He longs for things to be made new. He left His throne and the endless praise he was receiving and entered into our mess. He gave His Son. There is no greater love than that.

I think that I need to start fighting for the world that way that God does. First, I need to fervently pray for heaven to come here. I need to truly trust and believe that God will make all things new. Second, I need to be light in the darkness. I need to ask God to help me to love people well and in deep and earnest ways. Third, I need to take on the eyes of Christ and ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me and strengthen me to even get anything accomplished.

Now don’t hear this. God does NOT love murder, he makes that clear in his word: “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.”  Proverbs 6:16-19

However it is important to keep in mind that God is well aware of the state of how things are BUT, unlike me, he does not lose heart and he doesn’t want to flee the continent or hop on the first spaceship to Mars. No. God still loves this broken place. He doesn’t want to abandon ship. God knew the detestable sin that we were, and still are, capable of and yet “while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us.” The truth gives me hope in the love that defeated death and conquered the grave! Praise God for that!

Sheep Playdates

Today I went to Ponce Inlet. It's a bit south of Daytona and there's a lighthouse, a marine life center, and some little docks. There's not much to do there, but Patrick (a security guard that I met here on my first day) did tell me about the jetties down on the beach so I walked a bit in the general direction and found them, Bill Hughes style. I was pretty pumped about finding them because my goal today was to stand on the rocks and look out at the waves. Mission accomplished.

My PB&J was already thoroughly digested and my stomach began to politely ask for more food. So I looked up some restaurants nearby and found one called "Black Bean Cafe". I had some of the most tasty fish tacos of my life. It was a family owned business and the staff was super friendly. I was so satisfied, not only from the delicious meal, but because of the way God planned my whole day out for me. From watching the waves crash over the rocks on the beach all the way down to finding some lunch. It was all so effortless on my part but God was so clearly involved.

I headed back to my dorm and saw one of the dorm staff, David (I later learned his last name is Hughes) outside. We talked a bit and he asked what I had been up to. I think he's around my age, but he's pretty quiet and keeps to himself. As I was talking to him about some of the places I went, Patrick saw us through the glass doors and came out to join. After a solid day of solitude, it was nice to talk to some people.

Fast forward a few minutes and I ran into Patrick again as I wandered around the building... this place really isn't all that huge. We talked a bit and I thanked him for the suggestions on my activity itinerary that he wrote for me and gave me on Friday when I ran into him on campus. He asked what I had planned for tomorrow and I told him that I was gonna try out a church. I saw his eyes light up. I knew it... I just knew you had to be a believer. You know, there's just something about you, you just give off light. I told him that the other day when I talked to him I meant to ask him if he was a Christian because I also had my suspicions.

Wow, there's nothing more humbling and exciting than hearing from someone that they know you by your fruit and can tell that Christ is alive in you.

Patrick mentioned some things about how God has provided for him financially and even through meeting his wife. He told me how it had been a long awaited answer to prayer meeting her. (Patrick is in his forties and has a 3 year old daughter named Hannah).

 After talking abut our faith a bit... we basically talked about how creation just shouts God's glory and how we can't understand why people don't believe... we ended our conversation praising God and with a solid high five. I wish my words could adequately express how much joy there was in that hallway as two of God's children just bragged about how great their Father is.

I'm in awe tonight as I see how quickly God answers prayers.

 My first day here was a bit hectic, I arrived on Wednesday and immediately started working. I met my supervisor, Steve, and a woman named Holly who also works in mobility. I was pretty intimidated by them and could some major personality differences. I was convicted of my judgmental heart towards them but couldn't help but feel like "Really God? These people... This internship...This place..." On Friday I had a really good conversation with Steve about why he chose this profession. He also told me how much he genuinely cares about his interns and desires to see me grow from now until the end of the internship.

In only a few days, God has already been faithful. I'm excited to look back when it's all finished and be amazed at how God weaves this all together.

Lunch Break Thoughts

Lately it has been occurring to me how much we are expected to work at making other people like us.

The goal is to make a good first impression. –build rapport with the boss, listen to them talk (about themselves), go above and beyond, nod your head, politely laugh…

(*takes another bite of juicy chicken tender publix sub)

And boy am I feeling the pressure! There’s something so nice about others liking us but so tiring about the process of earning those affections. This all got me thinking about how different God is and praise God for that! We don’t have to work hard to please him in order for God to just “like” us… Rather, we get to come as we are, messy and sinful and broken, and God LOVES us.

I don’t have to find out what his favorite things are or ask about his latest accomplishments or hold doors for him or fan his ego…

God LOVES us. God just loves us.

We don’t do anything to deserve it… in fact, all we’ve really done through our efforts is prove how undeserving we are of it. “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved” Ephesians 2:4-5

What an unbelievably comforting truth. I can come as I am because of what Jesus has done for me. I don’t need to feel ashamed, inadequate, or overwhelmed about whether or not I will live up to expectations. Instead of striving, I can rest. I can rest and trust that Christ truly is enough. I can rest and trust that God’s approval is far greater than the approval of man. And I can rest that I am loved by God and accepted into His unshakeable kingdom, not based on my achievements, but because of grace alone.

Amen!

Coming full circle

God has met me at this little desk more times than I can count in the past 3 years.

Some of the most impactful worship sessions I've had have occurred here. Times when I thought i'd just come to work and get homework done turned into raw times with the Lord.

I remember...
Praying for the strength to do this new RA job well
Praying about whether or not I would join staff with Cru
Processing counseling appointments
Praying for clarity on how to best serve in Cru
Praying and listening to God about who I needed to forgive
Being convicted over my judgmental heart, and messaging a friend to get lunch
Praying for my internship in Texas
Praying about grad school
Asking the Lord to lift heavy depression
Praying over brokenness
Asking the Lord for clarity in my relationships
Asking God for His strength to get through tough classes
Praying for a future spouse that would love me tenderly and point me back to God (I think this prayer is in the process of being answered)
And now I sit here, on Sunday, the eve of the last week of school. And I find myself returning to the "quiet place" with God. I'm letting his truth touch my ears and his promises fill my soul.

I am so unsure of what will happen. I don't know where I'll be come August or what I'll be doing. But I do know this. My God is faithful and he loves me. And because he loves me, I know that I can trust Him.

Longing for the Old Road

Longing for the Old Road

The title is pretty straightforward. Sometimes I find myself just wishing I was on an old familiar road, or just a different road altogether. This semester of college has often felt that way. I’ve felt a tension between struggling to be present, wishing I was back in Texas, wishing that college was the same as it was in undergrad, missing various far-away friends, and only a small portion of the time thankful for the present.

I was reading a short post about Laura Story (a songwriter) that shared my sentiment.

Everything radically changed after her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Watching him struggle to breathe and withstand significant memory loss, Laura begged God to heal her husband and restore their lives to the way they were.

Life hadn’t been perfect, but it had been good.

Laura told her sister of her desire to return to the normal trial-free life she had before. And her sister insightfully responded, “You know Laura, I think the detour you are on is actually the road.”

What if the detour is actually the road? Hmm…

That statement rarely, if ever, crosses my mind. My thoughts go something more like this: Just gotta keep walking and push through, the other road is up ahead…. This is just a temporary thing…. Just one more turn and around the corner will be what I’m looking for….

What a faithless and fruitless way to live.

As I look back on my past semester, I see a little girl thinking that she knows best where the path should be. Instead of trusting the good Father who has carefully and thoughtfully paved the path, she just walks along constantly discontent and telling him where she thinks it should lead.

(Picture some prospective homeowners walking through a house and pointing around while they make suggestions for how they can change it for the better)

“Now, if we move this bush and this rock, we can build the path through here and… ah, yes, then it can wind through her and connect back to where I wanted to go in the first place.”

But as I walk through, just straining to see what I wish was in front of me, God patiently walks along with me. Then he gently whispers, “Be still and know that I am God.”

My face becomes flushed… I am immediately convicted and embarrassed at my self-righteousness.

Once the shock settles, I begin to look around and think to myself:

“Hey, I never noticed those flowers over there before… and wow, the stones lining the path that I’ve always wanted to move make it look so beautiful… and check out all of these people I’ve been meeting along the way…”

I think that’s the part of this little illustration that I’m presently at. I’m looking around and simultaneously repenting and praising.

Who knows how the rest of the story will go. I could stop and appreciate the detour but again return to anxious thoughts and plans and just continue to see it as that, a detour. Or I could recognize that it is the road and mourn all of my wishes for how it looked. Or I could rebel and begin to just plow through the unpaved brush, hoping that if I just push my way through enough that I’ll get to where I want to be. Or I could praise God that he knows more and ask him for the strength and faith to walk this new road and rejoice…

(I’m really hoping for the latter response)

Lord,

Thank you for your presence. I confess that my pride often leads to discontentment by causing me to believe that I know better. But you lovingly remind me that “Your thoughts are not my thoughts nor are your ways my ways.” I have no clue what I’m doing. Please help me to long for a changed heart instead of changed circumstances. You are with me and I trust you. Thanks for loving me first.