Dear American,

I’m not one to talk about politics, but with all of the women’s marches and protests the last two days, my mind needs to process.

I am perplexed. People are losing their minds. There are riots and marches and protests all standing up for "morality" while in doing so, people seem to have thrown aside all morals. This isn't everyone, but some are even lighting fires, breaking windows, defacing vehicles, and yelling obscenities on TV.

The events I have been witnessing hurt my soul. We are acting recklessly, abandoning sound judgement, and creating our own standards of what is morally acceptable behavior.

We are holding Trump to a higher standard than we hold ourselves. We have been quick to point a finger and verbally assault him with talk of how he is not behaving according to “our moral standards.” And I agree, he is wrong in the way he speaks and acts. But so are you and I. It is okay for us to lie, cheat, and swear, but not him. But wait, isn’t he a sinner just like us? Yes, the leader of our country should be held to high standards, but so should we.

Think of the music on the radio that the majority of Americans listen to. Lyrics that demean and degrade women. Songs praising a warped view on sex and intimacy. But he is worse than us? American, you are angry but you are no different. Why is it okay to watch pornography from the comfort of your own bedroom but when Trump publicly talks about the way he has violated a woman that is far worse? Why is it okay to buy into America’s cheap culture of viewing women as objects for your pleasure but when you hear “locker room talk” you cringe.

Examine yourselves. Are you better than this man? Or are you quick to point a finger, blind to your own hypocrisy? In the midst of all this “not my president” talk, honestly evaluate yourself… Does this president represent you? Yes. He does. He represents hopelessly rebellious, sinful, hell-bound people.

But God.

There is hope. Let this leader point you higher. Let this man, whom you despise and who might, just might, make you despise your own blood-stained hands, direct your eyes to another leader. A heavenly king. King Jesus. 

Pre-Sunrise Thoughts

I woke up this morning feeling jittery and unable to sleep. Perhaps it’s from all of the excitement of looking at wedding venues yesterday. Whatever the reason, here I am, awake at 5:30 on a Sunday morning. I kept trying to go back to sleep, but thoughts of wedding details and future hopes kept coming to mind. While it’s not an entirely bad thing, I didn’t like it. I wanted my thoughts to be anchored on something more certain. Not just hopes or dreams. I decided to listen to a sermon on Job, a book of the Bible that I’m reading through. It’s not that I don’t understand the basic theme of Job –I know it’s about suffering. But I wanted a greater understanding of this divinely inspired, 42 chapter book, that God has given us.

“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he

feared God and shunned evil. 2 He had seven sons and three daughters, 3 and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.”

This seemingly “fairy tale” introduction is a stark contrast with what happens in just a few chapters.

“So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head. 8 Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.9 His wife said to him, “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!”

The question “why” rings through the minds of most people who read these chapters.

            Why would God allow this?

            Why curse an upright man?

            Why give Satan the go-ahead to afflict him?

            Why take everything he has?

            Why kill his entire family?     

            Why, if God is good, does he allow suffering?

I think these are normal inquiries from people who just don’t see the whole picture. Our minds can’t comprehend the purposes of God, we are well aware of this. While the reading of the 42 chapters of Job won’t satisfy our “whys”, it will do something even greater –give us a deeper faith to accept the unanswered whys and trust that the answer God has, though unspoken, is sufficient. 

The other evening, Hunter and I were talking about the job situation. I had called Indiana School for the Blind on Monday but there weren’t any open positions. The woman I spoke with was nice, but the only advice she could give was to keep checking their job posting website and maybe something would open this Spring.

Spring. That feels way too unpredictable. If I really am moving to Indiana in the Summer, the idea of hoping for a job to open up just a few months before I move makes me uneasy. I want security. I want a guarantee. I want everything sorted out well in advance.

As I talked to Hunter, his comments were hopeful and filled with faith. He didn’t seem as worried as I did. Am I not trusting God enough with this? Should I be as peaceful as he is? Am I foolish for being afraid or is he foolish for being too confident?

The job situation has definitely been on my mind… not consistently but enough to keep me uncertain about the future. This morning I had some honest time with God. 

Lord, I’m more fearful about this job search than I thought I would be. Is it right to want to be prepared before we move?  Or is that just me trying to justify my lack of faith… I don’t think I trust you.

This afternoon, just before three o’clock, I got a phone call from Indiana.

“Hi, this is Christina.”

“Hello Christina, this is Toni (couldn’t quite hear the last name) from Indiana School for the Blind. I’m just returning your call, is now a good time?”

Now, before you start jumping up and down, I didn’t get offered a job just like that. But please, keep reading. It’s a cool story.

Toni and I talked for about 10 minutes. Her voice was kind and she seemed genuinely interested in my situation.

“So why the heck would you want to move from Florida to Indiana?!”

I explained, “My fiancé lives in Indianapolis. We were really considering either place, but it seems like he has some pretty cool opportunities in Indiana. So I’m thinking I’ll probably move there in July.”

Although there weren’t any current job openings, Toni invited me to send my resume so they would have it on file should something open up.  She also mentioned that a lot of the staff start out in part time positons and then apply for other jobs as they open up. Definitely sounded like some feasible options. Instead of a no, it sounded more like a not yet.

As we wrapped up our conversation, Toni told me that I could send her an email if I ever wanted to tour the school when I was in the area.

“My name is Toni Hughes.”

“Did you say your last name is Hughes.”

“Yes, H-U-G-H-E-S.”

“ No way, that’s soon to be my last name too!”

God is writing our story. Sometimes sentences at a time, other times paragraphs, and still other times only letter by letter. But his timing and his thoughtful detail always out-do my own vain attempts. Praise God that he is the author and finisher.

Naked I came and naked I will return.

Naked I came and naked I will return.

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:21

I don't have a single item to my name.
I know what you're thinking... yea right, girl. You have plenty of stuff. I do. I have a lot of things on loan, but truly, I don't own any of it.

We're born... Butt Naked. We don't even own clothes. It's just us and maybe some hair on our heads. And by God's grace, we're born into families that can feed, clothe, and provide for us. Then, these families send us to school and help us learn to read, write, add, and subtract. (Not even our intelligence is our own doing.) We get through school and then, perhaps, we go to college. Our minimum wage jobs in high school most likely can't afford such a pricey education, so someone helps us finance it -mom, dad, loans, a wealthy great Aunt, however you do it. Then we graduate with a degree. We're a "big shot" now. We get a job, and start earning our "own" money. We quickly forget how we got here and suddenly begin to believe that our salaries and everything we buy with them is our own.

But I believe differently. I believe that while we do put forth the effort, that it is still all a gift. Yes, a gift. Something that we have not purchased on our own, but a gift: something given voluntarily without payment in return. Take a moment to consider that.


As I am reminded that nothing is own, I am reminded that not even my life is my own... but a life granted to me by a gracious Father.

At the end of the day, anything that we feel God unjustly takes from us --a dear friend, our job, our health, a comfortable bank account, and even our own life --is, in fact, giving God back what we're just borrowing.

I love the thought of being (H)is

I love the thought of being (H)is.

As I’ve returned to a life without Hunter (physically present, that is) I’ve noticed something. I get excited to show off my engagement ring. This isn’t out of wanting to be “flashy” or show off “status” (I still can’t believe I’m wearing something that costs the equivalent of hundreds of subway sandwiches on my hand without a body guard to protect my little ring finger). I get excited to show off my engagement ring because it’s me saying to the world “Look, I’m taken! Don’t even think about it, I am committed to a man who I love deeply and who loves and cherishes me.”

I get excited to pay for groceries at Publix and hand my debit card to the cashier…

I get excited to hold and sip out of my coffee cup at the blind tiger as I’m writing this…

I get excited to type boring emails…

I get excited to read braille with my students...

I get excited to hold my pencil, or silverware, or anything! (It’s not so bad being left-handed afterall)

As I think of why I’m so excited to show the world that soon I get to be Hunter’s, it brings up a thought that I hadn’t considered until just now.

I can let this excitement point to another sweet kind of belonging. I am God’s. No, I don’t have a ring to show it. But I get something better; I get his Spirit inside of me. And here’s the cool part, while this diamond on my finger is shiny and brilliant, God’s Holy Spirit living in me shines even more brilliantly. No, I don’t have a physical outward sign of belonging to Christ, but I have this insanely powerful inward transformation, which in turn affects everything else about me, even my outward appearance. 

When I pay for my groceries, I don’t get to show off the ring on my finger. Instead, I get to show off how God has changed me! I can genuinely ask about their life and care for them during our brief interaction.  

It’s the same with any of these scenarios that I mentioned above. I get to be a living sacrament that points people to God. I get to walk around confidently and excitedly, knowing that I am His. I get to live loved and show others where to run to so they can find deep satisfaction and belonging. 

Praise God I have something so joyful to make even the most common-place activities filled with the excitement of telling others “Come and See.”

Giggling at God's Grace

1/5/17

Meanwhile at Armpit…

I woke up feeling particularly excited that I would get to call and ask about Granada today.

Praise God for some good time in the word and a sweet morning to “take a moment to remember.”

Funny enough, on my morning playlist shuffle “Be thou my vision” and “Take a moment” came on one after another. In that order. The exact same order Hunter had played them the night we got engaged.

***

Christina called Granada and left a message at around 10am:

Around 10 am, I went outside to call Granada. I prayed honestly and told God that I really did desire to get married here and it would be sweet if that happened but that I trusted him.

During planning period (around 11:40) Christina had gotten a frantic call from a student’s mom asking if she would find out why he was in the guidance counselors office. I sprang into action and checked all of the logical places –my desk, the trashcan, climbed up a tree and peered into a bird’s nest. Jk… but really, I checked a handful of places and no luck. As I was walking through the guidance office, I overheard someone say “Let’s get the vision specialist to come down”. Moments later as I walked by her office, Tania told me that there was a new VI student at Armwood and it was her first day. I walked quickly to my classroom and gave Sheri the 411 and told her they wanted to speak to her.

I checked one last place… Alas! I see Nathan sitting at a table in Deb Seeley’s room. He was on the phone with his mom and I asked if everything was good. No sooner had I gotten the words out of my mouth, the phone rang. I looked down and saw “Granda Lord willing, were getting married here. (I had saved the contact under that name last night.) I answered the phone and scurried outside of the front entrance.

The conversation was easy and natural. She gave me some of the details, I told her how crazy the day had been, she shared that she’s pregnant and also has a head cold from traveling… she had just gotten back from Indiana, no way, that’s where my boyfriend (oops) lives. Things were looking good but then came the moment of truth. I knew I liked the place, but would they be available in July? I asked Crystal if they had any openings in July and she, to my surprise, had openings for every weekend in July. Yippeee! I can’t wait to call Hunter. Oh dang, I need to find Nathan. (Had to die to myself for a moment). Ran back inside, found Nathan and spoke with him for a few minutes, wrote a tardy pass for him, and then ran back outside, calling Hunter before I was even out the door.

“I think we have a venue!”

There wasn’t much time to talk. We prayed. I remember just being so awe-struck but how quickly God had worked out these details. Less than 24 hours ago, we were just discussing the venue options and here we were. As I prayed, the words “I feel like Sarah laughing, not because I’m skeptical, but because you’re so good” (← or something like that) slipped out of my mouth. Seriously, I don’t even remember knowing I was gonna say that until they were coming out of my mouth. Hunter giggled… and giggled… and giggled…

No kidding, he had just read that passage earlier in the morning. Whoa. God you are so involved and love to show up in the big things and even the small things.

License Plates

When I think back to an important decision I made 2 years ago to do an internship in Austin, it seems like God made it abundantly clear through people, conversations, prayer, and even license plates. I remember the first appearance a Texas license plate made in my life that summer. I was talking with Emily Knight outside of starbucks on Tennessee St. I remember I was telling her about how quickly and recently Austin had entered my mind. As I told her about some of the confirmation I thought I was getting for it, I remember turning my head just as a car exited the drive-thru... a car with a Texas license plate. I totally freaked out. As silly as a license plate sounds as confirmation from the Lord, I remember really feeling him speaking through it.

As I've been recently considering a move to Indiana, I've been experiencing familiar wavering emotions of fear and excitement. One song in particular that I've been really using to quiet my soul is "God I look to You." Through prayer, conversations with Hunter, and a big change of heart, I have felt God leading me to really consider Indiana. Though at first I was wrestling with a lot of different variables and thinking through all of the things a move would mean, recently God has given me peace in the midst of all the vacillating thoughts.

About a week after I felt His peace in it all, I headed home to see my family for Christmas.
As I made my journey to Ft. Lauderdale, I was caught in the midst of a caravan of Indiana license plates.




1/2/17 Way back to Tampa: 2 Indy



1/3/17: coming home from Armwood




"I will remain confident in this, I will see the goodness of the Lord."

Covenant Sermon

Post thoughts on Ryan's sermon:

Preparing for marriage like we're preparing for christ to come again




Notes from 1/3/17 convo with parents:

• Taking a beautiful gift and using it as leverage (will say something if it continues to be an issue in the future.
• So we gave you the ring and you're just going to do what you want anyway
• Salary and benefits:
• bleh. Not theirs to worry about. I am doing fine on just my salary. God will provide. Not theirs to choose, it's Hunter's choice what he chooses as a career/vocation
• It's going to be hot and your make-up will run down your face
• Told them about possiblity of Indy
• You need to be in Ft. L for more than a week before the wedding (need to discuss)
• NOt good listener
• This isn't set in stone, I wanted to run the dates by you first... you already picked July?
• Are you looking for jobs in Indiana? Resumes?

Positives:

• I can understand where youre coming from... July does make more sense
• time off
• lease is up
• more people can come
• venue is available
• Dad can still pick details
• Can your pastor do it at the church? Meant alot that she asked and was cool with it
• I can also look for more churches (send em to me. Want to hear your input)
• Coral Gables is a beautiful area
• Will, Lord willing, be done with internship
• Start to set boundaries

At the end of the day:

• Reminder that I deserve worse
• Think I deserve to be treated better by them. Is it my pride though...
• It's not their wedding, it's not our wedding... It's God's
• We are still trying to honor and respect them, but need to be firm
• After the fact, things will simmer down. Just a short period of time that we need to get through
• Makes me appreciate Hunter's family... They aren't the norm and the way they respond isn't my standard for my parents... it's just another example of Grace
• Not willing to compromise on the ceremony. But do want to explain my reasoning why I'm doing certaint things/ the significance
• Reception is a celebration... more for the parents anyway
• Could be sweet for my relationship with Dad
• showing him my desire to be married... it's not just to leave and make him sad
• might make the transition easier